Notes By Middii
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In Love

Kiss

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A kiss is the greatest form of affection that can numb you altogether. It can make you feel alive, calm you down while you are in a state of panic, or give you some form of jittery feelings. In a scenario of first-time kisses, it is mostly used as an “I want you” gesture. It is beautiful how a kiss that is pure without any sexual intent can make you feel. I once experienced this and I still consider this as one of my best kisses of time, not that the others were shitty or anything, but this one just stood out

I had just joined culinary school fresh from high school. And my mom was pretty much the ” stay away from boys” advocate and I couldn’t blame her, she was only doing her job as a parent. But I had other plans in mind. All my life I had heard the slogan,” study first, boys latter” and it honestly didn’t make sense at this point in my life. Why? I was eighteen, I had my ID and this fact made me feel that I could make any decision I damn well pleased, replications later or as we normally say “kesi baadaye”.

I joined college during the WhatsApp era. At this point in time, WhatsApp was the in thing all the cool kids used. You would find yourself in groups where you don’t know anyone and join the conversation. What a good way of meeting strangers, I was very shy back then and found it very convenient. That’s where I met the kisser, the kisser that sealed my lips with a kiss that awoke every part of me.

He slid into the DM. And the conversations were something to anticipate for. I would stay up all night talking to him and in my mornings it was all him. At some point, I got distracted in class just because I was talking to him. Was I in love? Is this how love felt?

I had never had a boyfriend before so I couldn’t quite tell if what I felt was real. But he made me feel alive. We had shared pictures and I liked how he looked. Tall, slim in body size, wore glasses like me (I always thought of us as the dorky couple) and he lived a few blocks from where I stayed. He was perfect. But I wouldn’t make my move because I was told the man is supposed to make all the moves, my work was just being pretty and make myself irresistible.

” Can you come over for a date over the weekend?” the text read.
I read it over and over again to let those words sink in. I would actually be going on a date for the first time.
“Yes! I would really love this.”I responded. This was on a Friday and I couldn’t wait for Sunday at noon to go see this man who had captured my heart with just words. Lol at the back of my mind I thought we would talk about books, movies, and music so I didn’t mind. A typical way of starting off our first date on a good note.

My best friend has always influenced most of the decisions I made. She is three years older than me and has played a great role in my life. So for this first date, I consulted her and she gave me guidance. Being my first date I wouldn’t want to ruin it, I wanted everything to go as I expected. We would watch a movie, eat the food he prepared, talk about books and music then he would walk me home. Plus I trusted him enough to go to his house for this date, he was my friend. The main aim of the date was for us to meet physically.

“Breathe in! Breathe out! you’ve got this., “I told myself.
” Hello, could you please come to get me? I’m here at the bus stop like we agreed,” I said through the phone.
“Okay! I’m on my way,” he said.
I have this habit of pretending to scroll through my phone as I am waiting to meet someone but secretly look around to see if I can spot them. Why? Because my face lights up with so much joy when I see them and I find it sort of embarrassing. Like seriously, I can have a banana plastered smile on my face just to see my friends, even though it’s the third time imI’meeting you in a row.

I think he noticed I was a bit shy so immediately after he hugged me, he held my hand as we walked. That calmed my nerves a little and I got a bit comfortable. I liked his laughter and without his glasses, he had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen to date, milky big white eyes and once you looked inside them you felt safe. We watched some movies then we drifted and just began talking. I played my head on his thighs and he caressed my hair. This was the most beautiful feeling. It was such an innocent gesture of affection and I loved how I felt at that moment.

He asked me to take my glasses off and close my eyes because he wanted to see my eyeshadow clearly. I had some deep purple eyeshadow that I really loved. My hand in his hand, I felt him bend his neck and he planted a kiss on my lips. At this moment there were flames of love and ecstasy and my stomach suddenly became hot. Nothing else mattered, just him and I, we could take over the world now. In a wave of emotions, I opened my mouth and kissed him back too. His lips were soft tasted like strawberries and I remember I wanted to feel him more and more. He gently caressed my cheek and as if sensing I wanted more, he didn’t stop, kept at it till we were both zapped back to reality.

 

“I know it’s not going to be easy….,” he said in a shaky voice. I could feel the nervousness, ” …but I want to be with you. Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked
I sat upright and looked him in his eyes, “Yes I will be your girlfriend,” in another wave of emotion I pulled him nearer, and this time I kissed him more passionately.
As he walked me home that night, his hand in mine I felt like the only girl in the world, his only girl for the record.
What happened after the kiss? that’s a story for another day.

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In Life

The Ordeal

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The conversation around rape is one that has often received a lot of backlashes, especially with certain factions of the society aiming to normalize it. I pride myself in being of the school of thought that there exists no such thing, based solely on the premise that as long as there isn’t consent given to the other party to the act, then that act constitutes rape, period.

Over time we have witnessed masses, especially with the development of technology in the media realm trying to downplay this scenario, often laying blame on the lady, claiming that she was the one who seduced the perpetrator, luring Him/Her into committing the heinous act, or worse yet claiming that she is a liar. Enough with the sugarcoating, let us call a spade a spade. It is high time society learned to empathize with victims rather than taking an offensive stance with regards to this issue. There is so much wisdom in biting one’s tongue.

Given a chance to meet twenty-two-year-old me, I would embrace her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Pick her from the ground, dust her up and urge her to fight for her rights by reporting her perpetrator to the authorities. Advice her to block all the negative voices that made her feel like she deserved the misfortune because it was these very voices that taunted her in her sleep, causing nightmares accompanied by heavy sweating and screams. Sadly this scar will follow me for the rest of my life, and I will always have a certain fear associated with men.

As I reflect on the events of that day, my heart shudders at how naive and gullible I must have been. Mama had always warned me to stay woke of men who seemed too nice because they were constantly hunting for broken girls, assuring them of love and protection. As an adolescent, my hormones dictated most of my actions instead of my brain. Having a boyfriend who I could drool over and talk about with my mates was considered a rite of passage. For a long time, some part of me never blamed him for the atrocity he committed because everyone I sought comfort from found fault in me

 

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my work station.

Straight off from culinary school I landed an internship at one of the most prominent hotels here in Nairobi. Although negative rumours had gone round about how women were treated in this establishment, it didn’t occur to me that I would be one of these women who had heart-wrenching stories. On the day I met him a tingly feeling settled in my tummy which was brought about by the collision of our eyes.

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my workstation. From his uniform, I could tell that he wasn’t an ordinary kitchen staff but was from the housekeeping department.

 

My mind didn’t pick a signal that something might go wrong when he asked me to spend more time with him at his place. My foolish heart anticipated for this moment where we would be alone to our own words and thoughts without the glare of the outside world. The thought of our lips joining together or our hands intertwined for the first time caused a deep wave of ecstasy in me.

When we got to his house the first thing he did was lock the door and slid the keys into his pockets. He then carefully drew all the curtains in the room and turned on the stereo, some classic RnB burst out the speakers. He carefully poured me a glass of wine which got me a bit tipsy and comfortable with the atmosphere he created.

I remember becoming extra chatty than normal, giggling at every single thing he said. After a while, he then pulled me closer to him and planted a soft kiss on my lips. This being my first kiss, I shied off and shifted my gaze away from him.

With my face in his hands, his lips on my lips he gave me a deep kiss which was more intimate than the first one. He slowly began caressing my body which made me so hot and caused an erection for him. Everything happened so fast and in no time he didn’t have his trousers or boxers on which made me freet. I zapped myself back to reality and asked him to stop because I was on my period. With a wave of anger, he held my neck and choked me as he violently kissed me. When I attempted to scream he planted heavy blows on my mouth and his masculinity completely subdued me. The fact that I was on my period did not stop him because he constantly moaned and groaned in ecstasy.

My dignity was tainted making shame and guilt be the only emotions that radiated from my heart. With no one to talk to my thoughts became my prison, multiple anxiety attacks which caused mental paralysis. My healing was gradual because I chose to embrace my pain, love myself, and accept whatever happened.

No woman deserves to be humiliated and victimized because of rape. You will rise again despite the immense pain that will break you down and threaten your whole sanity. You will have social anxiety which will make you whimper whenever any form of physical touch is done. There will be days when you will cry your paper heart out till you feel lifeless. Some may not understand your emotional outburst, or may even judge your isolation. Your healing process might take longer than usual but you will heal.

 

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