Notes By Middii
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In Love

Precaution

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When the heart is faced with pain the logical step we take is creating certain precautions that will prevent us from death. Not physical death but the death of our emotions. We take certain steps as a defence mechanism. But could these steps that we take be the cause of more anguish?

“Side chick! You are going to meet the side chick? What is wrong with you Michelle? Why would you stoop so low?” my best friend’s voice echoed from the phone.
“I don’t know honey. I love him and maybe I can get her to keep off. We have been together for one and a half years and he has always been supportive, plus I am pregnant for him. Isn’t it logical that my baby gets to have the father present?” I said with tears in my eyes.
” Speaking of pregnancies, have you told him you are pregnant yet or you are still buying time waiting for the dust to settle?” she asked. I could feel the concern in her voice.
” How can I tell him? The past few months ever since I lost my job have been really on edge for both of us. Plus the cheating scandals how can I? Yesterday night we were at each other’s necks and I’m sure he wanted to kill me at that moment. What I did was unacceptable. So it’s only reasonable if I wait for everything to cool off.” I said in a shaky voice
” I don’t know but I am not rooting for this at all. But if it will give you peace of mind, go ahead and keep me posted how it goes. I love you and take care,”.

 

I hanged up the phone, proceeded to shower and dressed up, and left the house. Yesterday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I took his phone, a trail of messages to another woman who he had sworn to love for eternity. The affair had gone on for three months approximately the same time frame I was getting over the loss of my father and my resignation from my job.

 

They were other flirty conversations with other women but this specific woman had won his heart. She cooked for him, made love to him and he financed her. Was I jealous? Yes, I was. This is the same man who had decided not to provide for me even the basic needs I needed due to lack of finances, he would shamelessly come and make love to me too after his encounter with this woman.

With his phone in my hand, I had a panic attack. If you are an asthmatic patient you know that this is the body’s response due to shock. I could not breathe and in my struggle, you woke up.
” My God Michelle, what are you doing with my phone,” you asked.
Your concern was about your bloody phone. Not even the fact that I would lose breath completely and you would be answerable. I managed to say a few words to you,” I hate you so much,”.
” What is all this nonsense, let me take you to hospital,” he cried.
” No, call my uncle I want nothing to do with you,” I retorted.

As expected my uncle was not in a position to come for me though he was a neighbour. He had a newborn and it was just sort of invading his space. So you took my phone called an uber and sat in the front seat and left me all alone in the back seat. My Uncle sent some money, I paid for the uber which you shamelessly sat on as if nothing was happening. I paid for my medical bill and we went home after I was stable. You woke up the next morning and Kissed me as you went to work.

I know you probably are thinking that I deserved this because I went snooping through his phone when he was asleep. But when you are in distress as a human being you can do anything to ease your distress. And when you are faced with something threatening your happiness, your whole existence you will do everything to salvage the situation.

 

For three months I had become Nancy Drew, collecting every evidence I could because I was in disbelief. I had sworn to love you for eternity. Before I raised my complaint I had to have the right evidence needed to pin you down. Hopping you would admit your transgressions, I would forgive you and we would raise our coming baby. Everything would be fine and I would love you even more for choosing me.

As I walked into the coffee shop, she was not hard to notice. She was Petite and so gorgeous. Like I suspected she was only 20 years old. A thought crossed my mind ” You can’t compete with this, you are a pig yourself, plus she is soo young plus a lot prettier than you”. I felt like running away but I was determined to save my family and save my man and put an end to his little adventure. I said hello and took my seat.

” So how did you two meet?” I asked.
With arrogance and confidence, she responded ” I had gone to bank money to the bank and he attended to me” she answered.

That bloody bastard! this is the same tactic he used to woo me till now I’m head over heels and pregnant for a good for nothing. Damn him. She narrated how the affair began and how she has been to my house severally and did not see me or traces of a woman’s presence in that house. Of course! how could there be evidence of a woman living in that house when he and his brother joined forces in hiding my things in the front balcony and the kitchen drawers whenever she visited. She even admitted to making love to him on my matrimonial bed.

Tears stung my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. As she continued to narrate to me everything how he visited her every evening as soon as he got off work at four pm, how he bought her expensive things and took him to meet her parents and friends. My God! This man was a snake and I sat there transfixed to my chair I wanted to vanish into thin air and never return. Bur I asked for this, I asked for this pain when I decided to meet my rival. I had been in anguish for three months, no sleep just thinking of what to do next.

A childhood friend visited me the other day and we wanted to start a boutique together. Look! I was trying my level best not to be a cabbage wife. I had some online jobs that brought money enough for me to buy some groceries and household essentials. I remember how my childhood friend said we were a lovely couple and she wished me happiness. But now here I am, fighting demons I am not aware of. My God, if this is what love is supposed to be then I don’t ever want to love. You see, I had never experienced the joys of being loved by a man till I met him. I wanted us to go back to that moment where we were first lovers, the only difference was his heart had left my heart and I had become the nagging and paranoid lover. I swear, I tried to ignore everything and cancel it out as paranoia but my gut just wouldn’t stop.

” Are you okay? you look so pale,” she said
At that moment I was zapped back into reality and gasped, “Yes, I am okay. Go on,”.
” Do you love him?” she asked me with a small voice.
” Yes, I love him. He is my rock and he is going to be an awesome baby daddy,” I said holding my stomach.

” You looked pregnant btw but I didn’t want to ask about it. You know what I think he is a selfish person. Why would he not tell me about you and lie that he is single? Michelle, I am very sorry. I am putting an end to this just because I don’t like drama. I am genuinely sorry,” she said. Sounds honest yes? But this woman kept on tormenting me till I had enough and left my home, back to my mother’s house.

That night I could not sleep. There was an excruciating pain that I never felt. More of period cramps but a heightened one. I cried myself to sleep and you came in at midnight and laid next to me.
“Michelle,” I heard you say, “I’m sorry, I love you,”
” Okay,” I said and slept.
I think you might have left early because you didn’t wake me up with a good day kiss like you always did. The pain had not subsided though I felt as though I was soaked with some wet substance. When I lifted the duvet…
” Oh no! My baby!”
I cleaned myself up and rushed to the hospital. My baby was no more.

I hated you so much in that instant. I went back to the house, packed my things called a cab, and went home.
As expected my mother received me with open arms. I was in so much pain and she saw my pain. She asked me what happened and all I said was ” I left him, mama! I left him!” and broke into tears.

The next six months were difficult. Back and forth texts from you and your mistress even after I had resulted not to text you I still found myself texting you, calling you entertaining you. But my heart and mind were in constant turmoil. I kept on asking myself if my baby deserved to die or did I unknowingly cause its death just because I inflicted so much stress on myself. In one of these phone call confrontations, you called me fat, and you said my only work was to eat and finish all the food in the house. Was this the reason why you chose her over me? Little did I know this was a trap that will lure me in and bring forth my penance.

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In Love

Tranquility

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Dear, you,
Some days the voices in your head get louder and drive you insane, pushing you to a wave of depression and an irritable mood. On such days I want to remind you: You are enough…You can do this…you are fine. You have people who care so much about you, suicide should not be an option and should never be placed on the table as a bargain. Reach out to these people to re-energize you and fill your heart and mind with positive vibes.

You might be reading these words and you feel like I am not making any sense, that your death will ease the pain. You want to get rid of the pain and go back to your normal self and just feel free. But darling! pain demands to be felt. Cry if you need to cry to let the frustration out do whatever you need to do to feel and embrace the pain but under no circumstance should you lock it in. You see that teardrop that falls from your eyes, that sadness in your eyes, that pain in your heart is very much necessary. Why is it necessary? It is necessary to shape and mould you into a greater form of You. One thing I know for sure and I can attest to is that God never wastes our past pain, but he rather turns it into gain.

Our mind is a great stronghold and it impacts what we say and to some extent, it dictates how you behave. Your mind is a constant battlefield on a day-to-day basis. Somedays you may find your mind constantly repeating thoughts that you have no control over making you feel feelings of great sadness and anger which is completely unnecessary. And at that moment, I want to remind you that as long as you have no control of that situation free your mind but not thinking about it anymore. I want you to understand that you will not always have control of things that are happening in your day to day to life but you can choose to be aware, and realize you can control how you accept and relay the message to your mind.

Allow yourself to trust the process of every setback you might be feeling. You wouldn’t pretend you are not in pain if you stubbed your toe onto the wall or a table. Emotional pain is just as valid as physical pain and you should never be ashamed of it. You are allowed to feel your feelings because your feelings are valid. Do not beat yourself up, your pain doesn’t have to define you. Your strength and courage to go through this are what should define you.

When your chest aches and is swimming with all your faults and flaws and you can’t seem to find your footing remember that fear is a liar. Do not allow the pain you feel to turn you into something that you are not. Give yourself a pep talk “I can do this, I can be happy, I can go through this with a smile, I can and will have a good day” it works wonders.

Finally, be kind to yourself because the way you speak to yourself matters. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you think you might have made. Take as much time you need for yourself till you become yourself again.

Tranquillity, a state of calmness.

Your Friend,
Michelle.

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Perpetrator

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We’ve all been told this “trust your gut, listen to your instincts” I guess in a way it’s your subconscious telling you something is not quite right or not where it should be. But what do you do when you are faced with a difficult choice, between trusting your gut and trusting your love?. Well, the answer is simple and extremely difficult to accept but always trust your gut.

Life in college was perfect, the best life I could have wished for, not because I was getting A’s(Lord knows I was at the very best a B student) and not because I had amazing friends who we just mainly goofed around and played FIFA but because I got to see you every day. You were my only reason, for waking up early in the morning and taking that bus to school (God knows am not a morning person), everything I did was for you. You made my life bearable and added flavour to it. My muse, my love, all I wanted was you being in love with me as much as I loved you.

We weren’t in the same class, not even in the same faculty but when I shifted campuses you followed me because we had grown inseparable. Everything was perfect between us, and I loved how I discovered something new about you every day. I made it my aim to make time for you so as to get to know and understand you. We would see each other in the early mornings before either of us got to their first class, during lunch hour and we would sit together and eat the lunch I had prepared for you the previous night then finally after classes, we would take the bus home together.

Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all.

Normally the rides home were my daily highlight. I anticipated them every single day because then I would get to hold your hand and kiss you. Get lost in you and the perfect moment we created, you had such a great effect on me, my love. As I walked you home we would laugh along the way, holding each other’s hands and when we got to your gate I would lean in for a kiss. If there’s anything that stuck to my mind throughout the years was the taste of your lips, your kisses were perfect, made me feel alive.

A month after our final exams things shifted, you became distant because of a fight we had. My gut kept on telling me that something was wrong but I chose to suppress those feelings by telling myself I was paranoid. We fought again the previous day and all I wanted was to see you, talk about it and assure myself that I still haven’t lost you. You showed up later than usual and didn’t seem bothered by the fight.

I decided to take your approach and assumed it to be nothing to worry about. You became more distant than ever and for a whole week, my mind was in a constant dilemma. As expected I reached out to you but you pushed me away saying you wanted to be alone. I missed you terribly and at this point, there was nothing I could do about it, but you didn’t miss me all you wanted was to be alone.

I paced up and down my room as I mastered the courage to call you and find out how you were doing and maybe fix whatever was broken. You bluntly said you were breaking up with me. These words stung through my heart. I kept on recking my brain asking myself where and what I did wrong. Didn’t I love you right? was this our goodbye?. My head was spinning with a lot of questions only you had answers to. Closure! I needed closure because you said you loved me. You agreed to come over and explain things to me, and weirdly I thought I could get you to change your mind. You know, take me back maybe.

“I just can’t do this anymore. Kevin is my boyfriend now and I just came to set things straight. It’s over, you need to move on, ” you said to my face with no remorse at all. Kevin was the guy you met on the bus after our last fight, the day you decided to take the bus alone without me. At that moment a wave of anger filled my mind and all I could think of was how soon you moved on. Was all this a joke to you? , the promises we shared, were they all nothing? I hated Kevin because he ruined us and our perfect life. He was older, taller, and richer than me, he would take you for expensive dates. I found him to be ugly and a show-off but my thoughts didn’t matter, I guess the good outweighed the bad right?

I remember breaking down in tears hoping that my tears would move you, as my weakness showed I cursed myself because men were not supposed to cry over women. But you weren’t just any woman, you were the one meant for me and you had just decided to crush my world cause of Kevin. With swollen eyes, I threw up on the floor because I did not have the strength to move about and go to the bathroom. Pathetic?

I guess because you stood up and left the house. As I lay there on the floor all I could think of was my life fleeting away because how could I live without you? my sunshine. By the time I zapped myself back to reality, it was 9 pm. My whole body was numb and the only thing I could think of was how much I loved you, how you made a mistake. I let the tears flow freely because no matter how much I loved you, you would never come back to me. You caused these tears, you caused this pain, you caused this dysfunctionality.

After a week I finally got the strength and confidence to leave the house. It was about time I went back to my normal routine because I had to get by, at least till the end of the semester. It was hard adjusting to everything, and constantly seeing you with Kevin didn’t make things easier. My heart failed me on various occasions because it longed for you and missed you terribly. On most days thoughts of you flooded my mind which brought a great wave of loneliness. You looked happier you know, even dressed differently and it was like I was the one holding you back, you were moving on and I still lived in the illusion that you would come back. My academics were a mess and could barely concentrate in class until I began getting low grades this became a reality check for me.

I had to wake up from this illusion that had become my day-to-day life, a nightmare I had created for myself because I did not want to live without you. It was time I became intentional about putting myself first. Ideally, I could not erase the memories, the feelings but I had to start somewhere, right? My phone had a lot of memories of you from pictures, messages, and even voice notes, this was where I would start, delete everything and begin afresh. This was the hardest but I wouldn’t back down, I wouldn’t allow myself to drown because of a woman who broke my heart. I was determined to forget you.

Three months later, I saw you and you looked different. You had added some weight and the rumours were right. You were pregnant for Kevin. And this was the final blow for me. My heart broke into a million pieces. But it was fine, you were doing you and I had to do me. I lost you forever to Kevin and for the sake of my sanity, I had to be okay, okay with the fact that he had your loving and I didn’t. That baby you were carrying bounded both of you for life.

Five years after you left and the pain is fresher than ever. I admit in my idle moments I do think of you. Are you okay? Is Kevin taking care of you as you deserve?. On other days I can’t resist checking your social media and Facebook tells me you had a daughter and you’re still with Kevin. At times I wish I could just see you physically, even if it’s through a glimpse I would be satisfied.

Maybe my heart still aches for you but at this moment I acknowledge that I have never forgotten you. Maybe I was not meant for you but still, I choose to always love you. You are the one that got away and I guess life is that cruel.

Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all. Contrary to this, men are very vulnerable and extremely sensitive. They break, drown in sorrow and hold their tongue when faced with emotional issues because that is what society has portrayed them to be. “Suffer in silence, never let them see you cry like a woman, be tough”, are some of the statements that are repeated to them constantly, thus the depression rate is higher in men higher than in women.

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In Love

The Lover

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As the bus left the NYS Camp a slight ray of excitement filled my heart. Ever since I joined the NYS camp my anticipation for this day, my first job placement had been building up. When my parents found out about the NYS program, they didn’t bother to ask whether I was interested in joining it or not, they decided for me. This exasperated me but growing up with strict African parents, you already knew that whatever they said or decided had to be done incontrovertibly. After staying for three years with a useless University degree and no job, this seemed like a solid strategy to me landing a well-paying job.

The NYS program was really hard and I loathed everything about it from the early mornings with tiresome exercise routines, the uniform we had to wear, and the fact that we were completely isolated from the outside world, apart from the days we went home. The fact that I didn’t have access to my phone for the early part of the program was depressing, imagine being confined with the same people, the same daily routine without even having a social media breather, mentally exhausting right?. For me, the rules that governed the NYS seemed needless, I was twenty-four why would I still need to operate as though I was in a boarding school. I finally got my phone back during the last lap of the program and this was because I got job placement at the JKIA. My parents and best friend were elated as much as I was, things were finally looking up for me.

As we got to the JKIA we were directed to a designated waiting area and advised to wait for the next directive. We waited in silence and as my anticipation for the day grew so did my glee, I intended to make a good first impression. In approximately thirty minutes the supervisor came and she directed us to our designated stations. By the time the bus came to pick us up in the evening to retire to the camp, I felt accomplished and could hardly wait for the next day.

Singlehood was a path I had chosen for four solid years after walking out of a very abusive relationship and was content with my emotional and mental state. My cousin had other plans for me, she decided to set me up with one of her friends who worked at JKIA too. George was quite an adonis but he was neither my type because he was a bit uncouth and rustic. He was completely clueless about how a lady was to be treated, this got me more disinterested. I urged myself to give him a chance even though I did not feel the same towards him.

 

Ben was the guy who kept on pestering me at work and didn’t take no for an answer. When we met at the hallways he would constantly say hello and tell me stories that didn’t make sense. With a blank stare on my face, I would unwillingly entertain him and wished that our encounter would end because he infuriated me. He took this courting to a higher notch where he would send my work-friends to bring me gifts like food and shoes just to lure me and constantly showing up at my workstation. I had made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he feared to give me the gifts personally because of my reaction. His fears were justified because, given the chance, I would love to shove him away and throw the gifts at his face.

As time passed by I got so comfortable and accustomed to his gifts and without noticing I developing a liking for him. My friends urged me to give him a chance because he knew how to treat a woman, was handsome and was everything George was not.

After a series of internal monologues, I decided to go on a date with Ben. Earlier during that week, I had filled in a leave-out sheet at the NYS camp with the reason being I had to see my optician. By Friday morning the Nys warden informed me that my request had been approved and I should be ready to leave by noon when my parents arrived. My glee couldn’t be contained and I texted Ben to tell him we would meet the next day for our planned date after I visit the optician.

I took longer than usual to prepare for my date because I wanted to look sensational and leave an impression that will linger in Ben’s mind. We met in the CBD at noon and went for lunch at the Big square. For the first time, I found myself enjoying his chattering and even laughed at some of his lame jokes. We then proceeded to Panari Hotel for skating which I had never done before. Fear took over me but he was there to encourage me to try out something new. By the end of the night as he drove me home a wave of calmness and peace radiated inside of me. As we got to my gate he leaned in and kissed my lips. My stomach became hot and some chills ran down my spine as he caressed my cheek, I felt complete. As I went into my room that night I went to eutopia as I smiled sheepishly reminiscing the day’s events.

I could not contain how I felt towards Ben, it was evident I was growing fond of him with each passing day. When He asked me to be his girlfriend I was elated and decided to end things with George. The news destroyed George especially when he found out that his successor would be his friend, Ben. In all honesty, when I accepted Ben’s proposal to be exclusive with him, I was not completely in love with him but I believed my love would grow gradually.

My hands trembled as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand, two red lines, I was pregnant. It had only been a month after I completed the NYS program and we had only dated for three months. How would we explain to our parents about this pregnancy?. His Parents were staunch Christians and his mother never advocated for fornication, she always wanted us to wait till marriage. On the other hand, my parents had so many dreams for me and this new situation meant that my life would take a different turn. Fate played a great role on the day we approached both our parents, they were a bit disappointed but expressed their support.

On one of our dates, I developed excruciating abdominal pain and you rushed me to the hospital. To our dismay, the hospital attendants expressed some laxity and completely ignored it. With hot tears flowing from my cheeks, my motherly instincts were awakened, all I could think of was the well-being of my baby. After an hour it was our turn to see the doctor and he conducted an ultrasound and a pap smear test. He suggested that I had a minor infection that will clear off and prescribed antibiotics. I was dissatisfied with his findings simply because of the poor services the facility had offered and my gut had always been right. You felt I was being paranoid and we agreed that I should take the medication and monitor my progress after a day or two.

When my condition became worse with assistance from our parents we decided to seek a second opinion. We visited a new gynaecologist who was very worried because one of my fallopian tubes contained cystic growth and the pap smear test I did at the other health facility did more harm than good. He advised that I was to be admitted to the medical facility but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable, actually I hated hospitals. He prescribed bed rest and my parents and siblings took it upon themselves to take care of me. A couple of days after we left the hospital was completely lifeless and my complexion had changed to yellow. My mother was so scared and took me to the gynaecologist we had met. On our way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat of the car in complete silence and tears flowing from my eyes my mother held my hand and tried to assure me that the baby will be fine.

It was too late, nothing could be done, our baby was no more. You came to the hospital as soon as you heard the news and held me in your arms:
” Baby, it’s going to be okay,” you said.
Having you at this moment gave me strength and for the next couple of days though my grief was heightened you were still there. When I lost our baby I felt like I died too but your love and support nursed me back to life.

After a couple of months, things began changing between us, you became notably reticent and pushed me away. We were in constant quarrels and on some days we wouldn’t even talk. This broke my heart because you were my happy ending and this didn’t seem like a happy ending, it was more of a nightmare. Then you broke up with me with the defence that you wanted to make a turnaround in your life and become a serious Christian like your parents. You alleged that we were sinning and if we don’t change we would go to hell, you even dared to criticize me and told me this relationship would only work if I changed my lifestyle and got saved, how judgemental.

I permitted you to have your way and picked my broken pieces and tried to move on. My heart ached for you, the nights became sleepless because all I could think of was you and your loving. Why was it so easy for you to let me go and forget what we had?. But then you realized you made a mistake and began pursuing me pleading with me to forgive you. My heart was glad, I choose to let bygones be bygones and accepted you back because I needed you.

 

Every time I came over to your house for a sleepover you were constantly on your phone, constantly on the lookout as though you were hiding something and numerous passwords for everything, which made me get more suspicious. Your neighbour was very attractive and I noticed you had developed a habit of hanging out with her behind closed doors of her house even when I was present. You would post her on your WhatsApp status and indicated she was the reason for your living. Was I insecure? Yes, I was extremely insecure, this woman was getting everything I once had and what I needed, your attention.

One day you left me alone in the house and I decided to do the general cleaning of the house. I began to find women’s items that did not belong to me in our bedroom. My heart shuddered with fear and distress, I had lost you I really had. But I convinced myself I would not leave you unless you told me to because I could not imagine life without you. With a heavy heart, I gathered all the items I had found and placed them on the table and I prepared myself to get my answers and clarity from you. As expected you came home really late and I was on the couch watching TV. I asked you if we could talk and I began to coax you about the items I found.

The conversation took a different curve, it turned into a heated argument and I began to cry, asking you to take me home. You took my cellphone and locked me inside the house because you didn’t want me to leave. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I developed an anxiety attack. I banged the door with my fists and pleaded with you to let me out for some air but you completely ignored me. After an hour you came back and apologized for everything. It’s funny how my brain had a perfect image of how this week would turn out, we would rekindle our love but look at how it turned out.

When I went back home I had a recollection with myself and came to a realization that I deserved better, not you. You had caused me so much pain in the past few months, I could hardly smile. You had become too toxic for my sanity, something had to give way for me to regain my happiness. I deleted your number and every tangible memory of you on my phone, you now became a distant memory. But you wouldn’t let me be, you would constantly call and text and I ignored you till the day you showed up at my home. The only decent thing I could do is give you a listening ear because I wanted to put an end to this aberration. To date, I don’t know what to make of what you told me.

You explained a few months before we met you stole a huge sum of money from your auntie who had been cruel to you. The money is what made you buy not one but two cars and it sustained your lavish lifestyle. You firmly believed she planted a curse on you which was the reason we lost our baby and the sole reason for every anguish in your life. You admitted that this was the reason you broke up with me the first time because you wanted to keep me safe from the curse.

That night as you walked out the door something walked out of me as well. This was the end I had spent preparing for the last couple of days.

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In Life

The Ordeal

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The conversation around rape is one that has often received a lot of backlashes, especially with certain factions of the society aiming to normalize it. I pride myself in being of the school of thought that there exists no such thing, based solely on the premise that as long as there isn’t consent given to the other party to the act, then that act constitutes rape, period.

Over time we have witnessed masses, especially with the development of technology in the media realm trying to downplay this scenario, often laying blame on the lady, claiming that she was the one who seduced the perpetrator, luring Him/Her into committing the heinous act, or worse yet claiming that she is a liar. Enough with the sugarcoating, let us call a spade a spade. It is high time society learned to empathize with victims rather than taking an offensive stance with regards to this issue. There is so much wisdom in biting one’s tongue.

Given a chance to meet twenty-two-year-old me, I would embrace her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Pick her from the ground, dust her up and urge her to fight for her rights by reporting her perpetrator to the authorities. Advice her to block all the negative voices that made her feel like she deserved the misfortune because it was these very voices that taunted her in her sleep, causing nightmares accompanied by heavy sweating and screams. Sadly this scar will follow me for the rest of my life, and I will always have a certain fear associated with men.

As I reflect on the events of that day, my heart shudders at how naive and gullible I must have been. Mama had always warned me to stay woke of men who seemed too nice because they were constantly hunting for broken girls, assuring them of love and protection. As an adolescent, my hormones dictated most of my actions instead of my brain. Having a boyfriend who I could drool over and talk about with my mates was considered a rite of passage. For a long time, some part of me never blamed him for the atrocity he committed because everyone I sought comfort from found fault in me

 

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my work station.

Straight off from culinary school I landed an internship at one of the most prominent hotels here in Nairobi. Although negative rumours had gone round about how women were treated in this establishment, it didn’t occur to me that I would be one of these women who had heart-wrenching stories. On the day I met him a tingly feeling settled in my tummy which was brought about by the collision of our eyes.

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my workstation. From his uniform, I could tell that he wasn’t an ordinary kitchen staff but was from the housekeeping department.

 

My mind didn’t pick a signal that something might go wrong when he asked me to spend more time with him at his place. My foolish heart anticipated for this moment where we would be alone to our own words and thoughts without the glare of the outside world. The thought of our lips joining together or our hands intertwined for the first time caused a deep wave of ecstasy in me.

When we got to his house the first thing he did was lock the door and slid the keys into his pockets. He then carefully drew all the curtains in the room and turned on the stereo, some classic RnB burst out the speakers. He carefully poured me a glass of wine which got me a bit tipsy and comfortable with the atmosphere he created.

I remember becoming extra chatty than normal, giggling at every single thing he said. After a while, he then pulled me closer to him and planted a soft kiss on my lips. This being my first kiss, I shied off and shifted my gaze away from him.

With my face in his hands, his lips on my lips he gave me a deep kiss which was more intimate than the first one. He slowly began caressing my body which made me so hot and caused an erection for him. Everything happened so fast and in no time he didn’t have his trousers or boxers on which made me freet. I zapped myself back to reality and asked him to stop because I was on my period. With a wave of anger, he held my neck and choked me as he violently kissed me. When I attempted to scream he planted heavy blows on my mouth and his masculinity completely subdued me. The fact that I was on my period did not stop him because he constantly moaned and groaned in ecstasy.

My dignity was tainted making shame and guilt be the only emotions that radiated from my heart. With no one to talk to my thoughts became my prison, multiple anxiety attacks which caused mental paralysis. My healing was gradual because I chose to embrace my pain, love myself, and accept whatever happened.

No woman deserves to be humiliated and victimized because of rape. You will rise again despite the immense pain that will break you down and threaten your whole sanity. You will have social anxiety which will make you whimper whenever any form of physical touch is done. There will be days when you will cry your paper heart out till you feel lifeless. Some may not understand your emotional outburst, or may even judge your isolation. Your healing process might take longer than usual but you will heal.

 

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