Society has portrayed the male gender to be the mastermind behind all heartbreaks and toxic relations. Mostly we hear the term “Men are dogs” and I think it is a bit unfair, women too can be dogs. But what if we all came to an acknowledgement that we are all toxic in our way and we both have the upper hand in causing pain. I am sure that in my lifetime I too might have caused pain to a certain man who might have loved me with all he had, not once or twice. Let’s put down our self-righteous hats and look at relationship heartbreaks from both angles.
After being with someone for so long you adopt a carefree lifestyle because you are sure that they have your back no matter what. You consider them as your soulmate and you can almost not picture a life without them. I never saw this coming and somedays I wish the universe gave me a heads up before this heartbreak. The truth is I loved you with my all, you were meant to be my woman for eternity. Now I’m torn between making a fresh start and accepting you back.
“Wow, the view from up here is amazing,” I said with so much cheer in my voice. We had just got to the top of the third hill of Ngong and we were both fatigued. Panting heavily we took a moment to rest by the grass and you laid next to me. I looked at you and my mind noted that this is what perfection looked like, you looked so beautiful today. A thought came into my mind to take pictures of you because I believe pictures hold sentimental memories. So I stood up, got my phone, and with every snap you switched your poses and angles. My excitement must have been way overboard because by the time I finished taking the pictures my phone almost went off. They were two hundred and thirty-seven, yes, I counted them immediately I got home.
We planned for a sleepover and I was eagerly anticipating that night.
When the evening came I remember I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to spend more time with you. One whole day was not enough for me, I needed to feel you every day because my heart was falling deeper and deeper in love with you. We had dated for three years and I was convinced you were my chosen queen. As we went separate ways to our abode, I could hardly keep calm because I wanted to text you to find out if you got home then the conversation would flow from there. Our conversations were the best, we would talk day and night and never run out of things to tell each other. We were like teenagers who discovered the theory of technology and online romance, constantly on our phones.
We planned for a sleepover and I was eagerly anticipating that night. We would get take out dinner, watch some movies on Netflix and just be in that moment together, typical lovers sleepover. Your parents were really strict, but you found a way to convince them and showed up at my house for the agreed sleepover. We had a beautiful night together and soon it was morning.
“What is your phone password,” I asked as you were in the shower. I was never the type to snoop but I was curious about what you told your girls’ about me. Any guy who is dating knows that if they want to get tea about a girl’s true feelings for them their closest girl chats contain this information.
A moment of silence passed between us, “1983,” you responded hesitantly. I logged into your WhatsApp and perused through the group chat. Then I saw most conversations were based on Keith and not me. Keith was the son of your parent’s friends, they had visited your home and they brought Keith along. This is how your friendship began, at least that’s what you told me. He took you out for dates and one time he took you to KFC and you wore one of my hoddies, took a selfie with him, and posted it on your social media. From the chats I couldn’t believe my eyes, you were cheating on me with Keith. We had been in a relationship for three years, our families knew we were dating then suddenly Keith comes along and three months later you are dating him. What is it that you saw in him for you to throw away all the three years we had?
A sharp pain stung my heart and a slight tear dropped. Three whole years fleeting from my grip in a span of minutes, just minutes. As I sat on the bed waiting for you to get out of the bathroom I tried to join the dots, asking myself where I had failed. And as you got out of the bathroom and saw my face you knew that I knew and nothing could change. You went to the kitchen got a knife and held it to your stomach threatened to kill yourself if I left you. I clenched my fists in anger because you disrespected me. How dare you pull this suicide card on me? I wasn’t the one who cheated, you did.
Hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks and you tried to console me but I shoved you away. My heart wept because it loved you immensely and was not willing to do life without you. How stupid! Love can make you endure things that you don’t deserve. We sat on the bed in silence as I wept trying to release the pain I felt and you looked at me with fear and confusion in your eyes. You tried to tell me that you made a mistake and were willing to fight for us, but at that moment I wanted a reason as to why you did it. My darling, I was or still I’m a fool for you because I chose to forgive everything and love you with your faults.
Two days after you left my house is when I began feeling the adverse effects of our end. You stopped responding to my texts or calls and we barely talked or saw each other anymore. All I wanted was to show you that I can be there for you, love you harder and be the man for you. Your actions proved that I wasn’t enough for you and this broke me completely. I tried my best to bring us back together but your texts were curt and emotionless. The harder I tried the more you pushed me away, showing me how useless my efforts were. I asked whether you cared about me and you said that I made you not care about me, these words stung deep into my heart.
As helpless as I was I would constantly call you to get an explanation as to what I was doing wrong to make you not care for me. As expected, all my calls would end up being disconnected. I might have looked a little bit desperate but I was your fool, a fool for your love. Then it dawned on me, I had to read between the lines because actions speak louder than words and in this scenario, your actions simply showed that you were done with me, yes you forgot all the three years we spent together. I want to apologize for loving you too much, for needing you a little bit more than you did me, for always wanting to spend every moment with you. Forgive me for not letting you go when you clearly gave me the indication that we were over. And for all the moments I embarrassed myself before you, please pardon me, my lover.
Recently I got the courage to delete all your pictures from my phone, the two hundred and thirty-seven that we took at Ngong Hills, and every other photo I had of you. As deleted them, I swear I received my healing.