Notes By Middii
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love

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In Life

Unfaithful

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As I touched the doorknob to the front door and let myself into the house I was surprised to find the house pitch dark. This was a bit odd because I expected you or your brother here watching football or playing PlayStation which was your Sunday ritual. I was a bit on edge because of the quarrel we had earlier during the day. You kept on pestering me with calls while I was in church, only for you to demand that I should go back home later in the evening. You were having the guys over and didn’t want me around because you wanted to spend quality time with them. Rage consumed my heart because this was the fifth time we were having such an argument. You were ashamed of me it all made sense now.

When I got into the bedroom to change my attire to something more comfortable my closet was empty. This was rather strange because as I left in the morning my closet was well arranged. I decided to check your closet and noticed your clothes were still there. A silly thought crossed my mind that you were finally kicking me out and I lowkey prepared to accept it. We had been on a rollercoaster of emotions with each other and I figured this was your way of healing. As the main door opened I stood by the corridor to check who it was. Your brother had just come back from his regular evening walk. He had been staying with us for a couple of days before his classes resumed.

 

Something felt strange and weird, I just could not point my finger at what was amiss. Earlier that afternoon you had left me ten missed calls and when I called back, you told me not to come home immediately till late in the evening. Infuriated with this forced circumstance, I insisted that I would be home whenever I wanted. You said I wasn’t a good wife and I needed to learn how to respect your authority. But which husband puts his wife away from the house just because he is having his friends over?

But this wasn’t the first time this was happening. The previous weekend I had gone to visit a friend and you forced me to spend the night there. Reason being that your brother was bringing his girlfriend over and he needed space. You called me selfish and self-centred just because I was not comfortable with the fact that someone else would use our matrimonial bed for their own sexual urges. You did not care if you hurt me, all you wanted was to have your way. Why I let you embarrass me so much is still something I have no answer to, because to some extent love is not blind. My so-called wisdom made me ignore all the red flags because, how does someone leave their matrimonial home and the man whom they swore to love for eternity?

Suddenly, I became so angry because the thought of you bringing one of your proteges to our home in my absence sickened me. In my rage, I yelled at your brother coaxing him why he helped you hide my things. At first, he denied having a hand to it but when I mentioned how karma will play out he finally admitted that you brought a woman over. To add more salt to injury he said you spent time with her in our bedroom. My heart broke into two as I struggled to hold on to my composure. The last few days had been emotionally draining because of how distant you became and the miscarriage I endured early that week. I knew you had been unfaithful for a long time now but to do your business here in our home, with your brother present was the highest level of disrespect.

I shamefully searched around the house for my belongings and gathered them to arrange them. You had crossed the line by this action, this was pure madness. What kind of sane human being does this to a woman who takes care of him?. What hurts the most is the mental abuse you inflicted upon me, which made me more depressed than ever. I shut the bedroom door and did what I knew would help, broke down in tears asking God why this would happen to me. I had diligently honoured our vows, the vows you effortlessly managed to turn to empty words. They say during trying times your friends and family will be there to guide you through but my shame never allowed me to open my heart to anyone. I would be the laughing stock and furthermore, on Facebook, The Kilimani mums said I was the problem. I didn’t know how but a solution to get out of this situation had to be cultivated by the end of the. You were my life, you and the demons you brought revolved in my mind.

I silently sat in darkness playing candy crush and waited for you, my lover. My mind tried to phrase workable conversations of how this situation would be handled between us. What baffles me is that even after you had dragged and tarnished my name my stupid heart still beat for you. I should have known you were good for nothing but at that moment all I wanted was to make things right.

Immediately you got into the room you opened my closet, then you looked at me. We looked deep into each other’s eyes, I couldn’t tell if you saw the pain in my eyes but you knew that I knew what transpired.

I would be the laughing stock and furthermore, on Facebook, The Kilimani mums said I was the problem.

As expected we could not have a decent conversation, I lost my cool and didn’t care that your brother was listening in on us. The greatest mistake I did was loving you unconditionally because you never deserved it. You hid my things in the kitchen drawers and in the balcony as though I was a common squatter in our own apartment. Even as I expressed my frustration I could tell how irritated you were, none of this mattered to you. I was ruining your perfect day, the day that your mistress came to your house and you passionately made love to her on our matrimonial bed, how dare you?. You showed no remorse even after I mentioned I had a miscarriage, I stood like a clown before your eyes.

“Do you love her?” I asked with tears in my eyes. You looked at me for a moment then looked at the floor completely avoiding my gaze. My fears were confirmed when you said you loved us both but her more because she was working and had ambition while I was just a mere housewife. So all the online jobs that managed to place food on the table and even do some slight shopping were nothing to you. You looked down on all my efforts. Every single shilling I got for my online writing was directed mainly to the house, not once did I use that money on myself. Now all of a sudden you love Angela who has no idea how your morning breath smells like, how you get when you are sick, how you behave when you are frustrated. Angela who you had dated for three months was enough to shake the core of our marriage.

You pretended to get a call from your best friend who you told you will be going for a sleepover at his place. You played your cards wrongly because this trick was not new to me, you had done it severally and tonight was the night all your bad behaviours would come to an end. I might have seemed a little bit delusional but all I wanted was to prevent my husband from going to another woman’s house for the night.

Walking towards our bedroom door, I locked the door and placed the key in my brassiere. You threatened to take the key forcefully from me and I warned you not to touch me because I would create a scene. A lot of investments had been made into this union and I wouldn’t allow another woman to reap where I had sowed.

At around midnight I opened the door and retired to bed. You immediately grabbed your bag pack, packed a few items, and left. My efforts to keep you in the house failed miserably and this was enough evidence that I was fighting a lost battle, the stakes were not in my favour anymore. After twenty minutes you came back home and slept beside me. You held me, kissed me, and forced yourself on me as you constantly told me how sorry you were.

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In Life

After

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As I got into the cab a feeling of great shame and guilt engulfed me, I had cheated on you. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I was faithful to you but society advocated it as healing for my bleeding heart. Every moment he caressed my body, kissed my lips, moaned in pleasure my mind thought of you. Cheating was something I would have never advocated for in my right state of mind but getting even with you was something I pondered about the past few days. Sometimes when you find yourself in a loveless relationship, you decide to look for ways to ease your pain.

All my friends told me to walk away from you because of how you treated me. You had suddenly turned into a manipulative, emotionally abusive, and disrespectful lover. Just the other day one of your side pieces came by the house looking for you. Of course, you denied everything and accused me of stirring up trouble because men like you never admit when they are caught red-handed. Men like you feed off the misery of women like me. You were my bully, taunting me with every chance you got.

When I walked into the house, you were seated on the couch and I wondered if you could sense my infidelity the way I sensed yours. The water glided on my skin washing away my infidelity and the deep sense of guilt and shame that lingered in my mind. Why was it hard to be like you, heartless in all your actions?. Society gratifies any man who commits adultery but is also the first to cast stone on any woman who commits the same. Double standards!

That weekend you had left home claiming that you were going to work then off for a team-building in the afternoon, you would be back on Sunday evening. You took me for a fool, I questioned and pleaded with you to be honest with me because no company organizes afternoon team buildings that will prolong throughout the entire weekend. Deep down I knew you lied to my face because you had planned to see one of your women. The thought of another woman pleasuring you made me sick, this was the incurable disease that inflicted me.

 

You held me that night, our bodies intertwined together, igniting a fire inside me. With every kiss, every thrust, every caress, this had to be the last time we would be like this. Tears mixed with heavy emotions fell from my eyes, and when you whispered you loved me, some tingly feeling settled in my heart. Your kiss that showered me all over made me feel alive and reborn was a similar kiss I shared with many. What a shame that your actions were not pure but full of malice and selfish desires.

When morning came my heart was unsettled, torn between leaving you and staying with you, the man who made my heart glow.

“God, give me clarity!” I repeated this prayer in my spirit for the next five minutes. Alas! as if the heavens were responding to my little prayer your phone beeped. Nancy sent you a message which confirmed my suspicions. This was not my first time contending with your infidelity. This was my awakening, a revival to steer me to my next endeavour. The laughter that would be confused to be that of a madwoman flowed out of my mouth.

Dear Lover,
I hope this finds you happy and alive, full of strength as you journey through life. Please forgive me for any form of unhappiness I caused, that made you constantly unfaithful. Now that we are no more, my prayer is that you may have happiness though sometimes(just sometimes)I wish thunder would strike you dead. The nights and days were hard at first because my body wasn’t designed to lay on its own without your embrace and my heart yearned for you, constantly calling your name.

 

Forgiveness is in the power of the forgiver not in the one who needs to be forgiven. I forgive you for all the emotional scars you caused, the low self-esteem you caused, the three years I constantly forgave you, and most of all for making me feel less human. Where you caused pain love will be my new hope. Thank you for being my confidant and for the few times you loved me.
Kind Regards,
The one you chose to forget.

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In Life

11/6/2019

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Dear Diary,
Here I am bleeding out my heart to you for the millionth time about him because you won’t judge, you would understand. For a moment it felt like we had something beautiful, grounded, and rooted deep in our hearts. Guess my heart was the only casualty because he left with no remorse leaving behind a mess of my broken pieces for me to mend. Every time my phone rings I wish it was him calling, saying he made a mistake and he wants me back. My heart tries to move on but any form of solace is met with the harsh reality, I’m not over him.

 

But how can someone who looks so innocent be so cruel and unkind? He had a beautiful smile that drove me crazy and would make me obliged to smile back. His infectious laughter would make me join in laughter too, he was really funny. Black was his signature colour and he looked dashing in anything that he wore. The aura of confidence he carried mesmerized me, made me want to be a better person. I genuinely poured out my heart to him, hoping he would fill it with his love, he was my adonis.

 

I genuinely poured out my heart to him, hoping he would fill it
with his love, he was my adonis.

One of the most vivid memories that constantly slips my mind was the time we bickered because of some messages on his phone. During that quarrel, my brain kept on telling me all this didn’t matter, the content of the texts or the person the texts were addressed to. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrong and my love for him was determined to show him that we could live past his transgressions. He knew he was my weakness but this didn’t prevent him from dropping me as if I were hot coal on his hands.

The numerous texts that I send to him all go unanswered but my main focus is reminding him what we had or maybe get some closure. Don’t get me wrong diary, I don’t mean to be a pest but how do I begin afresh without him?. Sometimes I fantasize how good it was having him next to me, his scent, his smile, and his hands, the hands that caused me sleepless nights. Maybe my heart dived a little bit too deep too fast which made me seem a little bit desperate.

Even in this moment of distance and silence between us, my heart still beats for him. What we had was pure and I strongly believe nothing could contaminate it. May I find solace and peace of mind during this time of uncertainty and anxiousness? Move on? why would I move on from someone who has my whole soul?. Any sane person would move away from this toxicity but the memory of you keeps me warm at night. I’ll hold on a little bit longer.

Your complicated companion through life!

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In Life

The Phone Call

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As the phone rang, I looked at the caller ID and clicked the ignore button. A year had passed since I fled from your toxicity and this phone call was to lure me back. As silly as this might sound, it took a simple phone call for me to end up entangled with you between your sheets. There is always that person who knows you too well to know the right buttons to push using words. You were that person for me, my ultimate weakness.

The past couple of months were emotionally rough because I threw the towel on us. Your toxicity had become the core that dictated my moods and everything concerning me. Settling into a new job was not going that well considering the heartbreak, my mind was not at ease. Your absence made me sleepless with thoughts of what could have been if you just stayed loyal. My heart yearned for your touch and some nights, sleep seemed afar because I was so used to your wrapped hands around me, which made me sleep peacefully.

 

We had a dysfunctional kind of relationship whereby you were the perpetrator, the terror that shook my very core. The manipulative words, the lies, the mental bullying all made you in control. Sometimes I think you liked torturing me just to see me shed a tear under the mercy of your feet. Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter, and so is playing wife for a mare lover, wifely duties, and pleasures which leads to zero respect. Know more on, seat covers

One of the bravest decisions was fleeing from you for the very first time. At first, I didn’t want to because despite my jobless state you sheltered me, fed me to some extent clothed me. Ideally, we are all wired to remember changes that made us stronger and this change was really painful but worth it. With several suitcases, I rang the doorbell to my parents’ home, who welcomed me with open arms.

I was being unreasonable because it was the first time you cheated, how pathetic!

Their prodigal daughter came back home after years of hiding away due to fear and shame. You thought I was being unreasonable because it was the first time you cheated, how pathetic!. Your selfishness blinded you making your main concern centred on how I viewed your transgression. Your ego made you so distant that you didn’t notice how depression took residence in my life.

You knew my love for phone calls and took it upon yourself to call me daily, pleading in the name of your so-called love to make amends with me. The more you called the more my heart remained warm and soft to your charm. Sex is the mother of all good and bad patterns that will shape your life, this played out in my life. You had asked to see me over the weekend, and I knew what would happen, I wanted it to happen. Men are visual creatures and this was my driving motive for my attire selection. By the end of the meeting, I was intertwined with your body, forgave your transgressions, and became your mate again.

The heart can be so gullible and vulnerable when in love which leads to stupid decisions. A few months after our blissful reunion you went back to your old habits. As disrespectful as it was my heart thought you would change, and my love burned with the same flame. It’s a mystery to how the heart reasons because how do you stay in love with someone who tears you down every day? how do you kiss that person every morning without shuddering?. You vowed to change and talked me out of leaving you a couple of times. But words without actions are pointless, just uttering English into a blank space.

For the second and final time, I gathered my belongings and left. Honestly, my heart thought that we would work this out like we always do but destiny had something different in-store. The days turned to months, it dawned on me we were over. Women are known to pick themselves up faster in the event of heartbreak and I lived up to this. My life had to go on with or without you. Though I have to admit there is a void in my heart, thirst only you could quench. And here you are a year later, blowing up my phone, this was a phone call from hell.

” Hello! How are you?” you asked in a deep raspy voice
“I’m okay!” I responded
A moment of silence passed between us.
” If you are home please come by we talk as you pick some of the clothes you left behind,” you said in a soft voice which was very familiar to me
” I don’t need them, just burn them,” I hang up the phone.

It’s funny how just the sound of your voice was able to completely throw me off balance. For a split second, I longed for you, your touch.

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In Life

The Ordeal

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The conversation around rape is one that has often received a lot of backlashes, especially with certain factions of the society aiming to normalize it. I pride myself in being of the school of thought that there exists no such thing, based solely on the premise that as long as there isn’t consent given to the other party to the act, then that act constitutes rape, period.

Over time we have witnessed masses, especially with the development of technology in the media realm trying to downplay this scenario, often laying blame on the lady, claiming that she was the one who seduced the perpetrator, luring Him/Her into committing the heinous act, or worse yet claiming that she is a liar. Enough with the sugarcoating, let us call a spade a spade. It is high time society learned to empathize with victims rather than taking an offensive stance with regards to this issue. There is so much wisdom in biting one’s tongue.

Given a chance to meet twenty-two-year-old me, I would embrace her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Pick her from the ground, dust her up and urge her to fight for her rights by reporting her perpetrator to the authorities. Advice her to block all the negative voices that made her feel like she deserved the misfortune because it was these very voices that taunted her in her sleep, causing nightmares accompanied by heavy sweating and screams. Sadly this scar will follow me for the rest of my life, and I will always have a certain fear associated with men.

As I reflect on the events of that day, my heart shudders at how naive and gullible I must have been. Mama had always warned me to stay woke of men who seemed too nice because they were constantly hunting for broken girls, assuring them of love and protection. As an adolescent, my hormones dictated most of my actions instead of my brain. Having a boyfriend who I could drool over and talk about with my mates was considered a rite of passage. For a long time, some part of me never blamed him for the atrocity he committed because everyone I sought comfort from found fault in me

 

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my work station.

Straight off from culinary school I landed an internship at one of the most prominent hotels here in Nairobi. Although negative rumours had gone round about how women were treated in this establishment, it didn’t occur to me that I would be one of these women who had heart-wrenching stories. On the day I met him a tingly feeling settled in my tummy which was brought about by the collision of our eyes.

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my workstation. From his uniform, I could tell that he wasn’t an ordinary kitchen staff but was from the housekeeping department.

 

My mind didn’t pick a signal that something might go wrong when he asked me to spend more time with him at his place. My foolish heart anticipated for this moment where we would be alone to our own words and thoughts without the glare of the outside world. The thought of our lips joining together or our hands intertwined for the first time caused a deep wave of ecstasy in me.

When we got to his house the first thing he did was lock the door and slid the keys into his pockets. He then carefully drew all the curtains in the room and turned on the stereo, some classic RnB burst out the speakers. He carefully poured me a glass of wine which got me a bit tipsy and comfortable with the atmosphere he created.

I remember becoming extra chatty than normal, giggling at every single thing he said. After a while, he then pulled me closer to him and planted a soft kiss on my lips. This being my first kiss, I shied off and shifted my gaze away from him.

With my face in his hands, his lips on my lips he gave me a deep kiss which was more intimate than the first one. He slowly began caressing my body which made me so hot and caused an erection for him. Everything happened so fast and in no time he didn’t have his trousers or boxers on which made me freet. I zapped myself back to reality and asked him to stop because I was on my period. With a wave of anger, he held my neck and choked me as he violently kissed me. When I attempted to scream he planted heavy blows on my mouth and his masculinity completely subdued me. The fact that I was on my period did not stop him because he constantly moaned and groaned in ecstasy.

My dignity was tainted making shame and guilt be the only emotions that radiated from my heart. With no one to talk to my thoughts became my prison, multiple anxiety attacks which caused mental paralysis. My healing was gradual because I chose to embrace my pain, love myself, and accept whatever happened.

No woman deserves to be humiliated and victimized because of rape. You will rise again despite the immense pain that will break you down and threaten your whole sanity. You will have social anxiety which will make you whimper whenever any form of physical touch is done. There will be days when you will cry your paper heart out till you feel lifeless. Some may not understand your emotional outburst, or may even judge your isolation. Your healing process might take longer than usual but you will heal.

 

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