Notes By Middii
Tag

love

Browsing
In Life

INHALA EXHALA, YOU’VE GOT THIS!

No Comments

As we navigate through the ups and downs of life, we all face challenges that can impact our mental and emotional well-being. From dealing with stress and anxiety to coping with grief and loss, our mental health is constantly being tested. In the midst of these struggles, one thing that can make a tremendous difference is speaking from the heart.

At its core, speaking from the heart means expressing ourselves in an authentic, heartfelt manner. It involves tapping into our deepest emotions and values and communicating them with clarity and conviction. When we speak from the heart, we not only connect with others on a deeper level, but we also connect with ourselves, gaining a greater understanding of our own thoughts and feelings.

In the context of mental health and personal growth, speaking from the heart can be a powerful tool for self-expression and healing. For example, if you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, speaking openly and honestly about your feelings with a trusted friend or mental health professional can help you gain insight into your own emotions and find effective coping strategies.

 

Expressing ourselves authentically can also be a key component of building and maintaining meaningful relationships. When we share our vulnerabilities, we create a space for others to do the same. This can foster deeper, more authentic connections with        others, which can help us feel less alone and                                                                          isolated in our struggles.

However, speaking from the heart can be challenging, particularly if we’re not used to expressing ourselves in this way. It can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable to share our innermost thoughts and feelings with others. That’s why it’s important to practice self-care and self-compassion and to seek support from trusted friends or mental health professionals if we need it.

Here are some tips for speaking from the heart:
1.  Take time to reflect on your emotions and values. Before you can speak from the heart, you need to have a clear understanding of what’s important to you and what you’re feeling. Spend some time journaling or meditating to gain a deeper understanding of your own emotions and values.

2.  Find a trusted listener. Speaking from the heart can be challenging, especially if you’re not used to expressing yourself in this way. Find someone you trust, such as a close friend or mental health professional, to share your thoughts and feelings with.

3. Practice active listening. Listening is just as important as speaking when it comes to speaking from the heart. When someone else is speaking, make sure to give them your full attention and actively listen to what they’re saying.

4. Be honest and authentic. Authenticity is key when it comes to speaking from the heart. Don’t try to sugarcoat your feelings or hide your true self. Speak your truth, even if it’s difficult.

5. Practice self-care and self-compassion. Speaking from the heart can be emotionally taxing, so it’s important to take care of yourself. Make sure to practice self-care, such as getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. And don’t forget to be kind and compassionate to yourself, especially if speaking from the heart brings up difficult emotions.

In conclusion, speaking from the heart is a powerful tool for promoting mental health and personal growth. By tapping into our deepest emotions and values, and communicating them authentically, we can gain a greater understanding of ourselves and build more meaningful connections with others. If you’re struggling with mental health issues or just looking to deepen your connections with others, consider speaking from the heart as a way to promote healing and growth. Remember, when it comes to speaking from the heart, authenticity is key.

Read More
By
In Life

BEST YEAR YET!

19 Comments

Twenty-twenty-two will always be a special year for me. It was a year of personal growth and challenge. There were times when I felt overwhelmed and unsure if I could handle everything that was thrown at me, but through it all, I felt God’s strength and support. This year pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. I also learned to appreciate the true value of friendships that were there for me during the tough times. As the year comes to a close, I wanted to reflect on some of my lessons.

Personal growth is often accompanied by a feeling of accomplishment, but it is important to remember that it is often through challenges and difficulties that we experience the most growth. This year, I have encountered several experiences that have forced me to slow down and reflect on my personal growth as an individual.

At the start of this year, I was living in a small studio apartment and had just adopted my first cat, Oreo. Oreo was an all-black cat with a white birthmark on his body. Living on my own can be lonely, and Oreo helped brighten my mood and provided some emotional support. Unfortunately, my time with Oreo was cut short when he ran away. I was devastated and spent months searching for him, but eventually had to accept that he was gone. It was a tough experience, as I felt like a failure for not being able to keep my pet safe and happy. Oreo had

Explore the benefits of selling your house for cash in Maryland at https://www.cash-buyers.net/maryland/. become an important part of my emotional well-being, and losing him was difficult.

 Sometime this year, I quit my job as a Digital Marketer and ventured into being a Travel Consultant. During my time in this new job, there were several warning signs that I chose to ignore because of the financial benefits. I was eager to improve my financial situation and wanted to be able to afford nice things and create a comfortable future for myself. For months, I tried to convince myself that my new job was because of my qualifications and work ethic but it wasn’t. The answer to my dilemma was black and white, the only reason I got that job was that my friend was the wife of the owner of the company. However, this new job ultimately brought out negative aspects of my personality and reopened old wounds related to bullying. It also became apparent that I was not valued or wanted within the company

An unsettling experience in which my safety was compromised prompted me to take a pause and reevaluate my actions. At what felt like the peak of my success, I was unexpectedly terminated from my job and had to find the motivation to move forward, even though all I wanted to do was succumb to my sadness and isolate myself. This was a particularly difficult time for me because, although I take pride in my work ethic and had never been fired before, I found myself in a demoralizing situation.

The third experience that prompted me to change my approach to personal growth was a friendship that I considered to be very dear to me. Ivy (not her real name) and I had been friends off and on for years, and as someone who is anxious and prone to being clingy in my relationships, I truly cared for her. However, despite my feelings for her, our friendship was not enough for Ivy, and after months of reconnecting, she suddenly stopped communicating with me. I spent days lost in thought, trying to understand what I might have done wrong to cause the loss of this friendship. I began to question my ability to judge people and their intentions towards me, as I had experienced a significant number of lost friendships over the course of the year and had come to the conclusion that I was the problem. Losing friends can throw off your sense of balance and leave you feeling lonely.

In July, I became engaged to the love of my life. I used to underestimate the transformative power of love, but I have come to realize just how much it can change a person. I never thought that someone would find me worthy of love, as I have faced a series of rejections throughout my life. My partner’s acceptance and love for me was the greatest highlight of my year. He loves me with pure and genuine love and is gentle, compassionate, and caring. He is almost perfect in every way, and being with him makes me constantly feel high and in love. He is my forever source of joy and happiness.

Through these experiences, I have come to understand that life is always changing and we have the power to decide what we allow to affect us and what we need to let go of in order to lead a happy and stable life. I may not be where I thought I would be by the end of the year, but I am proud of myself for how I handled the challenges that came my way. I am proud that I never gave up on myself, even when everything seemed to be falling apart, and that I remained true to my values and beliefs. These highs and lows have made my twenty twenty-two an unforgettable year.
I have learned to love even harder when love is not reciprocated. I have learned to laugh and find joy in the music of life, no matter what it may bring. I have learned to accept myself as a constantly evolving and improving person, and to stand tall in the face of whatever challenges life throws my way. I have learned to appreciate and love those who truly care for me, and to let go of people who send mixed signals or do not align with my values.

One area that I regret not focusing on more this year is my mental health. It is unfortunate that we often prioritize our physical well-being over our mental well-being, but our minds play a crucial role in our emotions and overall functioning. I found myself sinking into depression and no one around me seemed to notice. I am the type of person who puts on a facade for different situations, but behind closed doors, I was struggling and it almost consumed me. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about what was really causing my pain due to the stigma surrounding mental health issues. However, in twenty-twenty-three, I vow to make my mental health a top priority. I will seek counselling, take time for myself, and focus on healing. It is important to take care of our mental health not only for our own well-being but also because our mental state can have an impact on those around us.

 

Read More
By
In Life

MICHELLE IS BACK.

2 Comments

“Your life is a beautiful blank canvas. You have the choice of splashing it with the most gorgeous and spectacular colours by doing what you love.”
― Hiral Nagda

Writing has always been a form of escape for me over the years. Without it, I tend to feel suffocated, lost and emotionally heavy. Over the years, my words have given me great solace whenever traumatic life situations posed a threat to my mental state.

When I began this blog, some friends reached out to me. Most of them could not understand why I chose to be vulnerable, open and transparent in a public space. I remember I smiled and told them it was not about me. People needed relatable life solutions and encouragement that they have someone in their corner. With this driving force, the support I got from strangers and people willing to share their stories was overwhelming.

They say you can not pour from an empty cup, thus my long hiatus. I have done the hard work, re-filled my cup, loved on myself and am ready to pour my heart to you. Know more on, FL treatment centers

It feels good to be back!

Yours Truly,
Michelle Middii

Read More
By
In Love

Musings

12 Comments

As I looked deep into his eyes, they were distant and emotionless.
Gonne were the days when his eyes were full of admiration and love for me. In my disbelief, I repeatedly tried to convince myself that this was forever. He had poured out his love to me till it ran out. I knew deep down that these were signs of a shattering end. I couldn’t imagine a life without him, the apple of my eye.

As I drowned in his arms, his embrace was emotionless. He just held me as though it was a mandatory responsibility. The warmth that would make me feel loved was lost replaced with ice. The signs are evident, love no longer lives here, but my heart still holds on to you.

Every day you would engage me in meaningless yet exciting conversations which would keep us up through the night. Your smile was like a sudden beam of sunlight illuminating the darkest corners of the room, but a frown has replaced the vibrant smile that made me feel alive. Lately, silence seems to be the only conversation between us, head nods and phone tones make us aware of the presence of each other.

The burning desire that would make you touch my clothes like pages you wanted to turn and drown into a world of endless ecstasy is a distant memory. I crave your mouth and desire to eat your skin like a whole almond. So fierce is the desire to align and entwin our mouths, a raging forest fire.

Maybe, it’s time to say goodbye.

Read More
By
In Love

Kiss

No Comments

A kiss is the greatest form of affection that can numb you altogether. It can make you feel alive, calm you down while you are in a state of panic, or give you some form of jittery feelings. In a scenario of first-time kisses, it is mostly used as an “I want you” gesture. It is beautiful how a kiss that is pure without any sexual intent can make you feel. I once experienced this and I still consider this as one of my best kisses of time, not that the others were shitty or anything, but this one just stood out

I had just joined culinary school fresh from high school. And my mom was pretty much the ” stay away from boys” advocate and I couldn’t blame her, she was only doing her job as a parent. But I had other plans in mind. All my life I had heard the slogan,” study first, boys latter” and it honestly didn’t make sense at this point in my life. Why? I was eighteen, I had my ID and this fact made me feel that I could make any decision I damn well pleased, replications later or as we normally say “kesi baadaye”.

I joined college during the WhatsApp era. At this point in time, WhatsApp was the in thing all the cool kids used. You would find yourself in groups where you don’t know anyone and join the conversation. What a good way of meeting strangers, I was very shy back then and found it very convenient. That’s where I met the kisser, the kisser that sealed my lips with a kiss that awoke every part of me.

He slid into the DM. And the conversations were something to anticipate for. I would stay up all night talking to him and in my mornings it was all him. At some point, I got distracted in class just because I was talking to him. Was I in love? Is this how love felt?

I had never had a boyfriend before so I couldn’t quite tell if what I felt was real. But he made me feel alive. We had shared pictures and I liked how he looked. Tall, slim in body size, wore glasses like me (I always thought of us as the dorky couple) and he lived a few blocks from where I stayed. He was perfect. But I wouldn’t make my move because I was told the man is supposed to make all the moves, my work was just being pretty and make myself irresistible.

” Can you come over for a date over the weekend?” the text read.
I read it over and over again to let those words sink in. I would actually be going on a date for the first time.
“Yes! I would really love this.”I responded. This was on a Friday and I couldn’t wait for Sunday at noon to go see this man who had captured my heart with just words. Lol at the back of my mind I thought we would talk about books, movies, and music so I didn’t mind. A typical way of starting off our first date on a good note.

My best friend has always influenced most of the decisions I made. She is three years older than me and has played a great role in my life. So for this first date, I consulted her and she gave me guidance. Being my first date I wouldn’t want to ruin it, I wanted everything to go as I expected. We would watch a movie, eat the food he prepared, talk about books and music then he would walk me home. Plus I trusted him enough to go to his house for this date, he was my friend. The main aim of the date was for us to meet physically.

“Breathe in! Breathe out! you’ve got this., “I told myself.
” Hello, could you please come to get me? I’m here at the bus stop like we agreed,” I said through the phone.
“Okay! I’m on my way,” he said.
I have this habit of pretending to scroll through my phone as I am waiting to meet someone but secretly look around to see if I can spot them. Why? Because my face lights up with so much joy when I see them and I find it sort of embarrassing. Like seriously, I can have a banana plastered smile on my face just to see my friends, even though it’s the third time imI’meeting you in a row.

I think he noticed I was a bit shy so immediately after he hugged me, he held my hand as we walked. That calmed my nerves a little and I got a bit comfortable. I liked his laughter and without his glasses, he had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen to date, milky big white eyes and once you looked inside them you felt safe. We watched some movies then we drifted and just began talking. I played my head on his thighs and he caressed my hair. This was the most beautiful feeling. It was such an innocent gesture of affection and I loved how I felt at that moment.

He asked me to take my glasses off and close my eyes because he wanted to see my eyeshadow clearly. I had some deep purple eyeshadow that I really loved. My hand in his hand, I felt him bend his neck and he planted a kiss on my lips. At this moment there were flames of love and ecstasy and my stomach suddenly became hot. Nothing else mattered, just him and I, we could take over the world now. In a wave of emotions, I opened my mouth and kissed him back too. His lips were soft tasted like strawberries and I remember I wanted to feel him more and more. He gently caressed my cheek and as if sensing I wanted more, he didn’t stop, kept at it till we were both zapped back to reality.

 

“I know it’s not going to be easy….,” he said in a shaky voice. I could feel the nervousness, ” …but I want to be with you. Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked
I sat upright and looked him in his eyes, “Yes I will be your girlfriend,” in another wave of emotion I pulled him nearer, and this time I kissed him more passionately.
As he walked me home that night, his hand in mine I felt like the only girl in the world, his only girl for the record.
What happened after the kiss? that’s a story for another day.

Read More
By
In Love

Koito

2 Comments

The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favour from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

NLT

This is a traditional Kalenjin wedding ritual that involves the negotiation of the bride’s dowry. The bride and her family are in charge of all the expenses on this day because it is considered to be the bride’s day. They are two ceremonies in one, the first one is the bride negotiating the price which involves the elders from the bride and groom side together with their parents and other family representatives. For any woman, it is a divine joy to be given away to her husband by her parents in a ceremonious yet beautiful way.

My best friend and I had been planning for months about this day which was scheduled to be on the twenty-sixth day of December in Kapsabet. I have always been a country girl, I have to admit the number of times I have visited the countryside are countable. This made Mavis a bit sceptical if I would survive a whole week with her in the countryside. I had to travel a few days earlier before the planned date because she needed my help with some final preparations.

 

Mavis has been my best friend since 2014, more of my soulmate and human diary. We met at The Boma Hotel over a brunoise carrot cut and we became inseparable ever since. I had seen her grow from the time we met to this moment when she had decided to start this new path for herself. It had been a blessing being her partner throughout her journey and now she had to add another crucial partner to guide her too through her journey.

Everything was set for the long-anticipated day. We were in Eldoret town having lunch before we went to Kapsabet town. As victor and Mavis sat across me I could see how much they were in love. It’s funny how when you meet your right rib you all begin to portray similar characters. Victor was a man worth admiring, a few months after he and Mavis met he was sure that he wanted to spend his life with her. He didn’t hesitate to do things right and two years down the line they were both making it formal. They belonged to each other and I was one of the people rooting for this relationship even when things became thick. It then dawned on me the element both of them had is that they never gave up on each other when times got tough, they were extremely patient with and they tried their best to understand each other even when at times the best response was to fight each other. It had been a long day, we were doing final preparations for the next day which was the long-awaited celebration.

By the time we got to Kapsabet, the rain had subsided. It had rained heavily for the past few days and all we could do was hope that the clouds will not pour the next day, or till the ceremony was over and done with. There was so much excitement in the house. Mavis’s family embraced her and were proud of her that she had decided to take this life-changing step.

 

That night we ate tripes (matumbo) and I remember her aunties warning her against eating the tripes because it would rain heavily on her special day, this was more of superstition so we didn’t take the warning seriously. That night there was a heavy downpour that escalated to early the next morning. The village women woke up at 4 am all roads leading to Mavis’ home. They began to prepare the delicacies that would be eaten throughout the whole day. The event planner arrived very early but couldn’t do the proper setup of the home compound till the rains subsided. As expected, the area was a bit muddy, but the show had to go on no matter what.

Mavis and her maid of honour had two sets of clothes. One which was to be worn during the bride price negotiations and the other to be worn during the final ceremony. The Maid of honour played a very important role. She had to be someone who was completely conversant with Kalengin traditions and she was to act as a witness and sign a document once the bride price was agreed upon.

The bridal price negotiation began at around 11 am due to the heavy rains. A representative for Mavis’ family, Kimutai, welcomed Victor’s family and the negotiations began. Normally the number of people who would be allowed into the main house for the bridal negotiations would depend on the size of the house. In this scenario, Victor, his parents one of his uncles, one of his aunties, elders of the family, and his brother were allowed into the house to conduct the negotiations.

As soon as the necessary parties had settled in the living room, Kimutai cleared his throat and asked “What has brought you to this homestead?”

 

“Well! We were passing by and we saw a very healthy good looking cow that we would like to borrow?” Korir answered, he was the representative for Victor’s family. A formal introduction would then be done from both parties their family name, the clan they come from and the animal symbol they identify with.

” We have very beautiful women in this homestead. Given a chance to identify your woman, will you be able to identify her?” Kimutai asked.

” Yes I would,” Victor responded while he nodded his head, an illustration that he was here for serious business.

This question normally was addressed to the groom to ensure that he was content with the woman he chose to be his bride. Several women were paraded before him, each taking their turn, and as expected Victor declined all the women and settled to wait for his betrothed. Mavis was wearing a red kitenge dress with black detail and when she entered the room to be identified the room was filled with ululations.

Once Mavis was identified as “the one” she allowed her elders to proceed with the marriage negotiations and she was asked to stay in the room with us, her maids.

It was now the turn of the representative from Victor’s side to speak.

” We are willing to offer a cow which is brown in colour and its calf(this was a compulsory price), a young calf and a bull,” Korir said.

There was pin-drop silence in the room.

“We do not agree to these terms, do you want to be sent away without your bride?,” Kimutai asked. “You see in the Nandi community, the bride price is five cows, nothing less than that,”.

“Okay! We are willing to add one more cow. In total, we would have given you five cows. In addition to all these, the mother to the groom would also want to give a sheep to the bride’s mother,”

Kimutai looked at his people and they all nodded their heads with smiles on their faces.

“Yes, we now agree to these terms,” he said with a smile on his face. A timeline was agreed to when the livestock would be delivered to Mavis’ homestead.

After the price was agreed upon there was the giving of various gifts to symbolize that the negotiations were a great success. Mavis was then called back into the room, she and her beloved stood face to face with each other and she pinned a brooch on the left side of his shirt and he did the same to the dress she was wearing, this symbolized the deal between both parties had already been sealed and her maid of honour also signed the document. Mavis and her Maid of honour then retired back to the room where the rest of the maids were patiently waiting.

A set of cups and gourds were brought into the living room and each man who had participated in the negotiation was given a cup and a gourd. The first man to be gifted was Victor’s father and his uncles, his brother, and finally, the elders that accompanied his family. The women were then given liquid vegetable oil on plates and everyone who took part in the negotiation was served “Mursik”(their traditional signature drink). The Mursik was a symbolism that the ceremony can proceed to the next level. Victor’s Uncle began singing and Mavis was called to be paraded outside before the guests who had come for the ceremony as a sign that she had agreed to be married to her beloved. She was given some lesos and came back inside to prepare for the second part of the ceremony.

We all were ready for the second part of the ceremony. The bridesmaids stood in two lines with Mavis in the middle. She looked mesmerizing, her dress her make-up the finishing on her hair, every tiny detail about her was perfect. She looked a bit nervous but excited at the same time. If you want to know the essence of time ask a groom and a bride waiting to be united for life. We all danced alongside her together with most of the women from her village moving towards the tent which was allocated to us. It was muddy but none of us seemed to care, our friend, daughter, sister, a neighbour was getting married and this was the only important thing.

The ceremony then began with opening prayers from a preacher who sanctified and blessed the union. Relatives from both sides expressed their joy brought by this union. Each of them took time to give Mavis and victor reasonable advice that would guide them throughout their marriage. What caught my eye is the number of times both families gifted each other as a sign of love, acceptance, and appreciation. Victor’s folks gifted Mavis’ family with duvets and this was also reciprocated by Mavis’ family. The grandparents from both sides were given blankets, the groomsmen were given Maasai shukas and the maids were given lesos.

 

Another significant gift was the giving of attire to the bride. Mavis’ parents gave her two brand new dresses and a pair of new shoes. This was to symbolize they have sent her well in good health and raised her to be a responsible woman and Victor’s family should vow to maintain and keep her. Victor’s parents also gave her two pairs of clothes and a pair of shoes to signify that they have accepted the responsibility and have taken Mavis as their daughter.

The guests then stood in a circle with Mavis inside the circle. There was a lot of merry and dancing as people took their turn to shower the bride with all forms of gifts from money to household equipment. All these gifts were a sign of goodwill as she began a new life with her husband.

I am grateful that my best friend chose me to be a part of this important phase in her life. And I wish her all the best in her new union.

“Kweli ni raha kupenda na kupendwa!”

 

Read More
By
In Love

Tranquility

6 Comments

Dear, you,
Some days the voices in your head get louder and drive you insane, pushing you to a wave of depression and an irritable mood. On such days I want to remind you: You are enough…You can do this…you are fine. You have people who care so much about you, suicide should not be an option and should never be placed on the table as a bargain. Reach out to these people to re-energize you and fill your heart and mind with positive vibes.

You might be reading these words and you feel like I am not making any sense, that your death will ease the pain. You want to get rid of the pain and go back to your normal self and just feel free. But darling! pain demands to be felt. Cry if you need to cry to let the frustration out do whatever you need to do to feel and embrace the pain but under no circumstance should you lock it in. You see that teardrop that falls from your eyes, that sadness in your eyes, that pain in your heart is very much necessary. Why is it necessary? It is necessary to shape and mould you into a greater form of You. One thing I know for sure and I can attest to is that God never wastes our past pain, but he rather turns it into gain.

Our mind is a great stronghold and it impacts what we say and to some extent, it dictates how you behave. Your mind is a constant battlefield on a day-to-day basis. Somedays you may find your mind constantly repeating thoughts that you have no control over making you feel feelings of great sadness and anger which is completely unnecessary. And at that moment, I want to remind you that as long as you have no control of that situation free your mind but not thinking about it anymore. I want you to understand that you will not always have control of things that are happening in your day to day to life but you can choose to be aware, and realize you can control how you accept and relay the message to your mind.

Allow yourself to trust the process of every setback you might be feeling. You wouldn’t pretend you are not in pain if you stubbed your toe onto the wall or a table. Emotional pain is just as valid as physical pain and you should never be ashamed of it. You are allowed to feel your feelings because your feelings are valid. Do not beat yourself up, your pain doesn’t have to define you. Your strength and courage to go through this are what should define you.

When your chest aches and is swimming with all your faults and flaws and you can’t seem to find your footing remember that fear is a liar. Do not allow the pain you feel to turn you into something that you are not. Give yourself a pep talk “I can do this, I can be happy, I can go through this with a smile, I can and will have a good day” it works wonders.

Finally, be kind to yourself because the way you speak to yourself matters. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you think you might have made. Take as much time you need for yourself till you become yourself again.

Tranquillity, a state of calmness.

Your Friend,
Michelle.

Read More
By
In Relationships

Perpetrator

No Comments

We’ve all been told this “trust your gut, listen to your instincts” I guess in a way it’s your subconscious telling you something is not quite right or not where it should be. But what do you do when you are faced with a difficult choice, between trusting your gut and trusting your love?. Well, the answer is simple and extremely difficult to accept but always trust your gut.

Life in college was perfect, the best life I could have wished for, not because I was getting A’s(Lord knows I was at the very best a B student) and not because I had amazing friends who we just mainly goofed around and played FIFA but because I got to see you every day. You were my only reason, for waking up early in the morning and taking that bus to school (God knows am not a morning person), everything I did was for you. You made my life bearable and added flavour to it. My muse, my love, all I wanted was you being in love with me as much as I loved you.

We weren’t in the same class, not even in the same faculty but when I shifted campuses you followed me because we had grown inseparable. Everything was perfect between us, and I loved how I discovered something new about you every day. I made it my aim to make time for you so as to get to know and understand you. We would see each other in the early mornings before either of us got to their first class, during lunch hour and we would sit together and eat the lunch I had prepared for you the previous night then finally after classes, we would take the bus home together.

Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all.

Normally the rides home were my daily highlight. I anticipated them every single day because then I would get to hold your hand and kiss you. Get lost in you and the perfect moment we created, you had such a great effect on me, my love. As I walked you home we would laugh along the way, holding each other’s hands and when we got to your gate I would lean in for a kiss. If there’s anything that stuck to my mind throughout the years was the taste of your lips, your kisses were perfect, made me feel alive.

A month after our final exams things shifted, you became distant because of a fight we had. My gut kept on telling me that something was wrong but I chose to suppress those feelings by telling myself I was paranoid. We fought again the previous day and all I wanted was to see you, talk about it and assure myself that I still haven’t lost you. You showed up later than usual and didn’t seem bothered by the fight.

I decided to take your approach and assumed it to be nothing to worry about. You became more distant than ever and for a whole week, my mind was in a constant dilemma. As expected I reached out to you but you pushed me away saying you wanted to be alone. I missed you terribly and at this point, there was nothing I could do about it, but you didn’t miss me all you wanted was to be alone.

I paced up and down my room as I mastered the courage to call you and find out how you were doing and maybe fix whatever was broken. You bluntly said you were breaking up with me. These words stung through my heart. I kept on recking my brain asking myself where and what I did wrong. Didn’t I love you right? was this our goodbye?. My head was spinning with a lot of questions only you had answers to. Closure! I needed closure because you said you loved me. You agreed to come over and explain things to me, and weirdly I thought I could get you to change your mind. You know, take me back maybe.

“I just can’t do this anymore. Kevin is my boyfriend now and I just came to set things straight. It’s over, you need to move on, ” you said to my face with no remorse at all. Kevin was the guy you met on the bus after our last fight, the day you decided to take the bus alone without me. At that moment a wave of anger filled my mind and all I could think of was how soon you moved on. Was all this a joke to you? , the promises we shared, were they all nothing? I hated Kevin because he ruined us and our perfect life. He was older, taller, and richer than me, he would take you for expensive dates. I found him to be ugly and a show-off but my thoughts didn’t matter, I guess the good outweighed the bad right?

I remember breaking down in tears hoping that my tears would move you, as my weakness showed I cursed myself because men were not supposed to cry over women. But you weren’t just any woman, you were the one meant for me and you had just decided to crush my world cause of Kevin. With swollen eyes, I threw up on the floor because I did not have the strength to move about and go to the bathroom. Pathetic?

I guess because you stood up and left the house. As I lay there on the floor all I could think of was my life fleeting away because how could I live without you? my sunshine. By the time I zapped myself back to reality, it was 9 pm. My whole body was numb and the only thing I could think of was how much I loved you, how you made a mistake. I let the tears flow freely because no matter how much I loved you, you would never come back to me. You caused these tears, you caused this pain, you caused this dysfunctionality.

After a week I finally got the strength and confidence to leave the house. It was about time I went back to my normal routine because I had to get by, at least till the end of the semester. It was hard adjusting to everything, and constantly seeing you with Kevin didn’t make things easier. My heart failed me on various occasions because it longed for you and missed you terribly. On most days thoughts of you flooded my mind which brought a great wave of loneliness. You looked happier you know, even dressed differently and it was like I was the one holding you back, you were moving on and I still lived in the illusion that you would come back. My academics were a mess and could barely concentrate in class until I began getting low grades this became a reality check for me.

I had to wake up from this illusion that had become my day-to-day life, a nightmare I had created for myself because I did not want to live without you. It was time I became intentional about putting myself first. Ideally, I could not erase the memories, the feelings but I had to start somewhere, right? My phone had a lot of memories of you from pictures, messages, and even voice notes, this was where I would start, delete everything and begin afresh. This was the hardest but I wouldn’t back down, I wouldn’t allow myself to drown because of a woman who broke my heart. I was determined to forget you.

Three months later, I saw you and you looked different. You had added some weight and the rumours were right. You were pregnant for Kevin. And this was the final blow for me. My heart broke into a million pieces. But it was fine, you were doing you and I had to do me. I lost you forever to Kevin and for the sake of my sanity, I had to be okay, okay with the fact that he had your loving and I didn’t. That baby you were carrying bounded both of you for life.

Five years after you left and the pain is fresher than ever. I admit in my idle moments I do think of you. Are you okay? Is Kevin taking care of you as you deserve?. On other days I can’t resist checking your social media and Facebook tells me you had a daughter and you’re still with Kevin. At times I wish I could just see you physically, even if it’s through a glimpse I would be satisfied.

Maybe my heart still aches for you but at this moment I acknowledge that I have never forgotten you. Maybe I was not meant for you but still, I choose to always love you. You are the one that got away and I guess life is that cruel.

Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all. Contrary to this, men are very vulnerable and extremely sensitive. They break, drown in sorrow and hold their tongue when faced with emotional issues because that is what society has portrayed them to be. “Suffer in silence, never let them see you cry like a woman, be tough”, are some of the statements that are repeated to them constantly, thus the depression rate is higher in men higher than in women.

Read More
By
In Love

The Lover

2 Comments

As the bus left the NYS Camp a slight ray of excitement filled my heart. Ever since I joined the NYS camp my anticipation for this day, my first job placement had been building up. When my parents found out about the NYS program, they didn’t bother to ask whether I was interested in joining it or not, they decided for me. This exasperated me but growing up with strict African parents, you already knew that whatever they said or decided had to be done incontrovertibly. After staying for three years with a useless University degree and no job, this seemed like a solid strategy to me landing a well-paying job.

The NYS program was really hard and I loathed everything about it from the early mornings with tiresome exercise routines, the uniform we had to wear, and the fact that we were completely isolated from the outside world, apart from the days we went home. The fact that I didn’t have access to my phone for the early part of the program was depressing, imagine being confined with the same people, the same daily routine without even having a social media breather, mentally exhausting right?. For me, the rules that governed the NYS seemed needless, I was twenty-four why would I still need to operate as though I was in a boarding school. I finally got my phone back during the last lap of the program and this was because I got job placement at the JKIA. My parents and best friend were elated as much as I was, things were finally looking up for me.

As we got to the JKIA we were directed to a designated waiting area and advised to wait for the next directive. We waited in silence and as my anticipation for the day grew so did my glee, I intended to make a good first impression. In approximately thirty minutes the supervisor came and she directed us to our designated stations. By the time the bus came to pick us up in the evening to retire to the camp, I felt accomplished and could hardly wait for the next day.

Singlehood was a path I had chosen for four solid years after walking out of a very abusive relationship and was content with my emotional and mental state. My cousin had other plans for me, she decided to set me up with one of her friends who worked at JKIA too. George was quite an adonis but he was neither my type because he was a bit uncouth and rustic. He was completely clueless about how a lady was to be treated, this got me more disinterested. I urged myself to give him a chance even though I did not feel the same towards him.

 

Ben was the guy who kept on pestering me at work and didn’t take no for an answer. When we met at the hallways he would constantly say hello and tell me stories that didn’t make sense. With a blank stare on my face, I would unwillingly entertain him and wished that our encounter would end because he infuriated me. He took this courting to a higher notch where he would send my work-friends to bring me gifts like food and shoes just to lure me and constantly showing up at my workstation. I had made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he feared to give me the gifts personally because of my reaction. His fears were justified because, given the chance, I would love to shove him away and throw the gifts at his face.

As time passed by I got so comfortable and accustomed to his gifts and without noticing I developing a liking for him. My friends urged me to give him a chance because he knew how to treat a woman, was handsome and was everything George was not.

After a series of internal monologues, I decided to go on a date with Ben. Earlier during that week, I had filled in a leave-out sheet at the NYS camp with the reason being I had to see my optician. By Friday morning the Nys warden informed me that my request had been approved and I should be ready to leave by noon when my parents arrived. My glee couldn’t be contained and I texted Ben to tell him we would meet the next day for our planned date after I visit the optician.

I took longer than usual to prepare for my date because I wanted to look sensational and leave an impression that will linger in Ben’s mind. We met in the CBD at noon and went for lunch at the Big square. For the first time, I found myself enjoying his chattering and even laughed at some of his lame jokes. We then proceeded to Panari Hotel for skating which I had never done before. Fear took over me but he was there to encourage me to try out something new. By the end of the night as he drove me home a wave of calmness and peace radiated inside of me. As we got to my gate he leaned in and kissed my lips. My stomach became hot and some chills ran down my spine as he caressed my cheek, I felt complete. As I went into my room that night I went to eutopia as I smiled sheepishly reminiscing the day’s events.

I could not contain how I felt towards Ben, it was evident I was growing fond of him with each passing day. When He asked me to be his girlfriend I was elated and decided to end things with George. The news destroyed George especially when he found out that his successor would be his friend, Ben. In all honesty, when I accepted Ben’s proposal to be exclusive with him, I was not completely in love with him but I believed my love would grow gradually.

My hands trembled as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand, two red lines, I was pregnant. It had only been a month after I completed the NYS program and we had only dated for three months. How would we explain to our parents about this pregnancy?. His Parents were staunch Christians and his mother never advocated for fornication, she always wanted us to wait till marriage. On the other hand, my parents had so many dreams for me and this new situation meant that my life would take a different turn. Fate played a great role on the day we approached both our parents, they were a bit disappointed but expressed their support.

On one of our dates, I developed excruciating abdominal pain and you rushed me to the hospital. To our dismay, the hospital attendants expressed some laxity and completely ignored it. With hot tears flowing from my cheeks, my motherly instincts were awakened, all I could think of was the well-being of my baby. After an hour it was our turn to see the doctor and he conducted an ultrasound and a pap smear test. He suggested that I had a minor infection that will clear off and prescribed antibiotics. I was dissatisfied with his findings simply because of the poor services the facility had offered and my gut had always been right. You felt I was being paranoid and we agreed that I should take the medication and monitor my progress after a day or two.

When my condition became worse with assistance from our parents we decided to seek a second opinion. We visited a new gynaecologist who was very worried because one of my fallopian tubes contained cystic growth and the pap smear test I did at the other health facility did more harm than good. He advised that I was to be admitted to the medical facility but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable, actually I hated hospitals. He prescribed bed rest and my parents and siblings took it upon themselves to take care of me. A couple of days after we left the hospital was completely lifeless and my complexion had changed to yellow. My mother was so scared and took me to the gynaecologist we had met. On our way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat of the car in complete silence and tears flowing from my eyes my mother held my hand and tried to assure me that the baby will be fine.

It was too late, nothing could be done, our baby was no more. You came to the hospital as soon as you heard the news and held me in your arms:
” Baby, it’s going to be okay,” you said.
Having you at this moment gave me strength and for the next couple of days though my grief was heightened you were still there. When I lost our baby I felt like I died too but your love and support nursed me back to life.

After a couple of months, things began changing between us, you became notably reticent and pushed me away. We were in constant quarrels and on some days we wouldn’t even talk. This broke my heart because you were my happy ending and this didn’t seem like a happy ending, it was more of a nightmare. Then you broke up with me with the defence that you wanted to make a turnaround in your life and become a serious Christian like your parents. You alleged that we were sinning and if we don’t change we would go to hell, you even dared to criticize me and told me this relationship would only work if I changed my lifestyle and got saved, how judgemental.

I permitted you to have your way and picked my broken pieces and tried to move on. My heart ached for you, the nights became sleepless because all I could think of was you and your loving. Why was it so easy for you to let me go and forget what we had?. But then you realized you made a mistake and began pursuing me pleading with me to forgive you. My heart was glad, I choose to let bygones be bygones and accepted you back because I needed you.

 

Every time I came over to your house for a sleepover you were constantly on your phone, constantly on the lookout as though you were hiding something and numerous passwords for everything, which made me get more suspicious. Your neighbour was very attractive and I noticed you had developed a habit of hanging out with her behind closed doors of her house even when I was present. You would post her on your WhatsApp status and indicated she was the reason for your living. Was I insecure? Yes, I was extremely insecure, this woman was getting everything I once had and what I needed, your attention.

One day you left me alone in the house and I decided to do the general cleaning of the house. I began to find women’s items that did not belong to me in our bedroom. My heart shuddered with fear and distress, I had lost you I really had. But I convinced myself I would not leave you unless you told me to because I could not imagine life without you. With a heavy heart, I gathered all the items I had found and placed them on the table and I prepared myself to get my answers and clarity from you. As expected you came home really late and I was on the couch watching TV. I asked you if we could talk and I began to coax you about the items I found.

The conversation took a different curve, it turned into a heated argument and I began to cry, asking you to take me home. You took my cellphone and locked me inside the house because you didn’t want me to leave. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I developed an anxiety attack. I banged the door with my fists and pleaded with you to let me out for some air but you completely ignored me. After an hour you came back and apologized for everything. It’s funny how my brain had a perfect image of how this week would turn out, we would rekindle our love but look at how it turned out.

When I went back home I had a recollection with myself and came to a realization that I deserved better, not you. You had caused me so much pain in the past few months, I could hardly smile. You had become too toxic for my sanity, something had to give way for me to regain my happiness. I deleted your number and every tangible memory of you on my phone, you now became a distant memory. But you wouldn’t let me be, you would constantly call and text and I ignored you till the day you showed up at my home. The only decent thing I could do is give you a listening ear because I wanted to put an end to this aberration. To date, I don’t know what to make of what you told me.

You explained a few months before we met you stole a huge sum of money from your auntie who had been cruel to you. The money is what made you buy not one but two cars and it sustained your lavish lifestyle. You firmly believed she planted a curse on you which was the reason we lost our baby and the sole reason for every anguish in your life. You admitted that this was the reason you broke up with me the first time because you wanted to keep me safe from the curse.

That night as you walked out the door something walked out of me as well. This was the end I had spent preparing for the last couple of days.

Read More
By
In Lifestyle

Girlfriend

No Comments

Society has portrayed the male gender to be the mastermind behind all heartbreaks and toxic relations. Mostly we hear the term “Men are dogs” and I think it is a bit unfair, women too can be dogs. But what if we all came to an acknowledgement that we are all toxic in our way and we both have the upper hand in causing pain. I am sure that in my lifetime I too might have caused pain to a certain man who might have loved me with all he had, not once or twice. Let’s put down our self-righteous hats and look at relationship heartbreaks from both angles.

After being with someone for so long you adopt a carefree lifestyle because you are sure that they have your back no matter what. You consider them as your soulmate and you can almost not picture a life without them. I never saw this coming and somedays I wish the universe gave me a heads up before this heartbreak. The truth is I loved you with my all, you were meant to be my woman for eternity. Now I’m torn between making a fresh start and accepting you back.

“Wow, the view from up here is amazing,” I said with so much cheer in my voice. We had just got to the top of the third hill of Ngong and we were both fatigued. Panting heavily we took a moment to rest by the grass and you laid next to me. I looked at you and my mind noted that this is what perfection looked like, you looked so beautiful today. A thought came into my mind to take pictures of you because I believe pictures hold sentimental memories. So I stood up, got my phone, and with every snap you switched your poses and angles. My excitement must have been way overboard because by the time I finished taking the pictures my phone almost went off. They were two hundred and thirty-seven, yes, I counted them immediately I got home.

We planned for a sleepover and I was 
eagerly anticipating that night.

 

When the evening came I remember I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to spend more time with you. One whole day was not enough for me, I needed to feel you every day because my heart was falling deeper and deeper in love with you. We had dated for three years and I was convinced you were my chosen queen. As we went separate ways to our abode, I could hardly keep calm because I wanted to text you to find out if you got home then the conversation would flow from there. Our conversations were the best, we would talk day and night and never run out of things to tell each other. We were like teenagers who discovered the theory of technology and online romance, constantly on our phones.

We planned for a sleepover and I was eagerly anticipating that night. We would get take out dinner, watch some movies on Netflix and just be in that moment together, typical lovers sleepover. Your parents were really strict, but you found a way to convince them and showed up at my house for the agreed sleepover. We had a beautiful night together and soon it was morning.

“What is your phone password,” I asked as you were in the shower. I was never the type to snoop but I was curious about what you told your girls’ about me. Any guy who is dating knows that if they want to get tea about a girl’s true feelings for them their closest girl chats contain this information.
A moment of silence passed between us, “1983,” you responded hesitantly. I logged into your WhatsApp and perused through the group chat. Then I saw most conversations were based on Keith and not me. Keith was the son of your parent’s friends, they had visited your home and they brought Keith along. This is how your friendship began, at least that’s what you told me. He took you out for dates and one time he took you to KFC and you wore one of my hoddies, took a selfie with him, and posted it on your social media. From the chats I couldn’t believe my eyes, you were cheating on me with Keith. We had been in a relationship for three years, our families knew we were dating then suddenly Keith comes along and three months later you are dating him. What is it that you saw in him for you to throw away all the three years we had?

A sharp pain stung my heart and a slight tear dropped. Three whole years fleeting from my grip in a span of minutes, just minutes. As I sat on the bed waiting for you to get out of the bathroom I tried to join the dots, asking myself where I had failed. And as you got out of the bathroom and saw my face you knew that I knew and nothing could change. You went to the kitchen got a knife and held it to your stomach threatened to kill yourself if I left you. I clenched my fists in anger because you disrespected me. How dare you pull this suicide card on me? I wasn’t the one who cheated, you did.

 

Hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks and you tried to console me but I shoved you away. My heart wept because it loved you immensely and was not willing to do life without you. How stupid! Love can make you endure things that you don’t deserve. We sat on the bed in silence as I wept trying to release the pain I felt and you looked at me with fear and confusion in your eyes. You tried to tell me that you made a mistake and were willing to fight for us, but at that moment I wanted a reason as to why you did it. My darling, I was or still I’m a fool for you because I chose to forgive everything and love you with your faults.

Two days after you left my house is when I began feeling the adverse effects of our end. You stopped responding to my texts or calls and we barely talked or saw each other anymore. All I wanted was to show you that I can be there for you, love you harder and be the man for you. Your actions proved that I wasn’t enough for you and this broke me completely. I tried my best to bring us back together but your texts were curt and emotionless. The harder I tried the more you pushed me away, showing me how useless my efforts were. I asked whether you cared about me and you said that I made you not care about me, these words stung deep into my heart.

As helpless as I was I would constantly call you to get an explanation as to what I was doing wrong to make you not care for me. As expected, all my calls would end up being disconnected. I might have looked a little bit desperate but I was your fool, a fool for your love. Then it dawned on me, I had to read between the lines because actions speak louder than words and in this scenario, your actions simply showed that you were done with me, yes you forgot all the three years we spent together. I want to apologize for loving you too much, for needing you a little bit more than you did me, for always wanting to spend every moment with you. Forgive me for not letting you go when you clearly gave me the indication that we were over. And for all the moments I embarrassed myself before you, please pardon me, my lover.

Recently I got the courage to delete all your pictures from my phone, the two hundred and thirty-seven that we took at Ngong Hills, and every other photo I had of you. As deleted them, I swear I received my healing.

Read More
By
Load More