Notes By Middii
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In Life

INHALA EXHALA, YOU’VE GOT THIS!

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As we navigate through the ups and downs of life, we all face challenges that can impact our mental and emotional well-being. From dealing with stress and anxiety to coping with grief and loss, our mental health is constantly being tested. In the midst of these struggles, one thing that can make a tremendous difference is speaking from the heart.

At its core, speaking from the heart means expressing ourselves in an authentic, heartfelt manner. It involves tapping into our deepest emotions and values and communicating them with clarity and conviction. When we speak from the heart, we not only connect with others on a deeper level, but we also connect with ourselves, gaining a greater understanding of our own thoughts and feelings.

In the context of mental health and personal growth, speaking from the heart can be a powerful tool for self-expression and healing. For example, if you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, speaking openly and honestly about your feelings with a trusted friend or mental health professional can help you gain insight into your own emotions and find effective coping strategies.

 

Expressing ourselves authentically can also be a key component of building and maintaining meaningful relationships. When we share our vulnerabilities, we create a space for others to do the same. This can foster deeper, more authentic connections with        others, which can help us feel less alone and                                                                          isolated in our struggles.

However, speaking from the heart can be challenging, particularly if we’re not used to expressing ourselves in this way. It can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable to share our innermost thoughts and feelings with others. That’s why it’s important to practice self-care and self-compassion and to seek support from trusted friends or mental health professionals if we need it.

Here are some tips for speaking from the heart:
1.  Take time to reflect on your emotions and values. Before you can speak from the heart, you need to have a clear understanding of what’s important to you and what you’re feeling. Spend some time journaling or meditating to gain a deeper understanding of your own emotions and values.

2.  Find a trusted listener. Speaking from the heart can be challenging, especially if you’re not used to expressing yourself in this way. Find someone you trust, such as a close friend or mental health professional, to share your thoughts and feelings with.

3. Practice active listening. Listening is just as important as speaking when it comes to speaking from the heart. When someone else is speaking, make sure to give them your full attention and actively listen to what they’re saying.

4. Be honest and authentic. Authenticity is key when it comes to speaking from the heart. Don’t try to sugarcoat your feelings or hide your true self. Speak your truth, even if it’s difficult.

5. Practice self-care and self-compassion. Speaking from the heart can be emotionally taxing, so it’s important to take care of yourself. Make sure to practice self-care, such as getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. And don’t forget to be kind and compassionate to yourself, especially if speaking from the heart brings up difficult emotions.

In conclusion, speaking from the heart is a powerful tool for promoting mental health and personal growth. By tapping into our deepest emotions and values, and communicating them authentically, we can gain a greater understanding of ourselves and build more meaningful connections with others. If you’re struggling with mental health issues or just looking to deepen your connections with others, consider speaking from the heart as a way to promote healing and growth. Remember, when it comes to speaking from the heart, authenticity is key.

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In Life

BEST YEAR YET!

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Twenty-twenty-two will always be a special year for me. It was a year of personal growth and challenge. There were times when I felt overwhelmed and unsure if I could handle everything that was thrown at me, but through it all, I felt God’s strength and support. This year pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. I also learned to appreciate the true value of friendships that were there for me during the tough times. As the year comes to a close, I wanted to reflect on some of my lessons.

Personal growth is often accompanied by a feeling of accomplishment, but it is important to remember that it is often through challenges and difficulties that we experience the most growth. This year, I have encountered several experiences that have forced me to slow down and reflect on my personal growth as an individual.

At the start of this year, I was living in a small studio apartment and had just adopted my first cat, Oreo. Oreo was an all-black cat with a white birthmark on his body. Living on my own can be lonely, and Oreo helped brighten my mood and provided some emotional support. Unfortunately, my time with Oreo was cut short when he ran away. I was devastated and spent months searching for him, but eventually had to accept that he was gone. It was a tough experience, as I felt like a failure for not being able to keep my pet safe and happy. Oreo had

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 Sometime this year, I quit my job as a Digital Marketer and ventured into being a Travel Consultant. During my time in this new job, there were several warning signs that I chose to ignore because of the financial benefits. I was eager to improve my financial situation and wanted to be able to afford nice things and create a comfortable future for myself. For months, I tried to convince myself that my new job was because of my qualifications and work ethic but it wasn’t. The answer to my dilemma was black and white, the only reason I got that job was that my friend was the wife of the owner of the company. However, this new job ultimately brought out negative aspects of my personality and reopened old wounds related to bullying. It also became apparent that I was not valued or wanted within the company

An unsettling experience in which my safety was compromised prompted me to take a pause and reevaluate my actions. At what felt like the peak of my success, I was unexpectedly terminated from my job and had to find the motivation to move forward, even though all I wanted to do was succumb to my sadness and isolate myself. This was a particularly difficult time for me because, although I take pride in my work ethic and had never been fired before, I found myself in a demoralizing situation.

The third experience that prompted me to change my approach to personal growth was a friendship that I considered to be very dear to me. Ivy (not her real name) and I had been friends off and on for years, and as someone who is anxious and prone to being clingy in my relationships, I truly cared for her. However, despite my feelings for her, our friendship was not enough for Ivy, and after months of reconnecting, she suddenly stopped communicating with me. I spent days lost in thought, trying to understand what I might have done wrong to cause the loss of this friendship. I began to question my ability to judge people and their intentions towards me, as I had experienced a significant number of lost friendships over the course of the year and had come to the conclusion that I was the problem. Losing friends can throw off your sense of balance and leave you feeling lonely.

In July, I became engaged to the love of my life. I used to underestimate the transformative power of love, but I have come to realize just how much it can change a person. I never thought that someone would find me worthy of love, as I have faced a series of rejections throughout my life. My partner’s acceptance and love for me was the greatest highlight of my year. He loves me with pure and genuine love and is gentle, compassionate, and caring. He is almost perfect in every way, and being with him makes me constantly feel high and in love. He is my forever source of joy and happiness.

Through these experiences, I have come to understand that life is always changing and we have the power to decide what we allow to affect us and what we need to let go of in order to lead a happy and stable life. I may not be where I thought I would be by the end of the year, but I am proud of myself for how I handled the challenges that came my way. I am proud that I never gave up on myself, even when everything seemed to be falling apart, and that I remained true to my values and beliefs. These highs and lows have made my twenty twenty-two an unforgettable year.
I have learned to love even harder when love is not reciprocated. I have learned to laugh and find joy in the music of life, no matter what it may bring. I have learned to accept myself as a constantly evolving and improving person, and to stand tall in the face of whatever challenges life throws my way. I have learned to appreciate and love those who truly care for me, and to let go of people who send mixed signals or do not align with my values.

One area that I regret not focusing on more this year is my mental health. It is unfortunate that we often prioritize our physical well-being over our mental well-being, but our minds play a crucial role in our emotions and overall functioning. I found myself sinking into depression and no one around me seemed to notice. I am the type of person who puts on a facade for different situations, but behind closed doors, I was struggling and it almost consumed me. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about what was really causing my pain due to the stigma surrounding mental health issues. However, in twenty-twenty-three, I vow to make my mental health a top priority. I will seek counselling, take time for myself, and focus on healing. It is important to take care of our mental health not only for our own well-being but also because our mental state can have an impact on those around us.

 

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In Life

MICHELLE IS BACK.

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“Your life is a beautiful blank canvas. You have the choice of splashing it with the most gorgeous and spectacular colours by doing what you love.”
― Hiral Nagda

Writing has always been a form of escape for me over the years. Without it, I tend to feel suffocated, lost and emotionally heavy. Over the years, my words have given me great solace whenever traumatic life situations posed a threat to my mental state.

When I began this blog, some friends reached out to me. Most of them could not understand why I chose to be vulnerable, open and transparent in a public space. I remember I smiled and told them it was not about me. People needed relatable life solutions and encouragement that they have someone in their corner. With this driving force, the support I got from strangers and people willing to share their stories was overwhelming.

They say you can not pour from an empty cup, thus my long hiatus. I have done the hard work, re-filled my cup, loved on myself and am ready to pour my heart to you. Know more on, FL treatment centers

It feels good to be back!

Yours Truly,
Michelle Middii

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In Life

CONFESSIONS

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I get a jittery feeling whenever I see the word “new.” For me, it signifies a fresh start. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and these can provide opportunities for new beginnings. The start of a new day, month, or year can be especially invigorating because it gives us the chance to start over and try again.

The month of November always brings me down. My past life haunts me and the memories of past pain during this month bring on anxiety. Although I have not fully healed from all the hurt, I am genuinely trying to move forward and become a better version of myself. It’s a bittersweet feeling because my birthday is also marked by the loss I have experienced. It’s not that I enjoy being unhappy, but I struggle with my birthday because my dad passed away on this day (may he rest in peace). My heart and mind are at odds with each other, with my heart wanting to mourn and my mind reminding me that he is in a better place now.

This November, I feel a sense of celebration within me. I want to turn my mourning into gratitude. Every time I faced challenges and walked alone, I know that He was with me. I want to celebrate the person I have become, the struggles and joys that brought me here, and the friends who supported me along the way (even if some of those relationships have ended).

Fun fact, November is the only month that begins with ‘no’. So I choose to profess nothing but positive vibes all the way.
No fear! Fear will no longer take charge of the decisions I make.
No anxiety! I will not stress over things that I can not CONTROL.
No going to bed angry! Radiating positive vibes in my dreams.

HAPPY NEW MONTH FROM ME TO YOU!!!
SENDING YOU LOVE AND LIGHT TO GUIDE YOUR WAY

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In Love

Musings

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As I looked deep into his eyes, they were distant and emotionless.
Gonne were the days when his eyes were full of admiration and love for me. In my disbelief, I repeatedly tried to convince myself that this was forever. He had poured out his love to me till it ran out. I knew deep down that these were signs of a shattering end. I couldn’t imagine a life without him, the apple of my eye.

As I drowned in his arms, his embrace was emotionless. He just held me as though it was a mandatory responsibility. The warmth that would make me feel loved was lost replaced with ice. The signs are evident, love no longer lives here, but my heart still holds on to you.

Every day you would engage me in meaningless yet exciting conversations which would keep us up through the night. Your smile was like a sudden beam of sunlight illuminating the darkest corners of the room, but a frown has replaced the vibrant smile that made me feel alive. Lately, silence seems to be the only conversation between us, head nods and phone tones make us aware of the presence of each other.

The burning desire that would make you touch my clothes like pages you wanted to turn and drown into a world of endless ecstasy is a distant memory. I crave your mouth and desire to eat your skin like a whole almond. So fierce is the desire to align and entwin our mouths, a raging forest fire.

Maybe, it’s time to say goodbye.

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In Life

Twenty-Turn.

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She finds it hard to trust again because the bitter taste of betrayal lingers in her mind. Anxiety caused by abandonment in her time of need makes her dwell in the dark spaces of life. Some days, her best days, a fake smile will form on her face to take her through the day. The raging thoughts within her are so loud and cause multiple anxiety attacks.

Harrowing memories flood her mind whenever she shuts her eyes. Images of pointing fingers laughing at her lingers from a distance bringing restlessness to her poor soul. Everyone around her expected perfection from her without consideration. The underlying presumptions about her reduced her life to somewhat meaningless and less worthwhile.

She identified with lies spoken about her with no one to defend her reputation. Who could have dared stand up and face her accusers on her behalf?. What could she say or do to prove that she wasn’t these lies? What could she do to receive the necessary love to keep her going? Every day was a nightmare on its own. She craved peace, joy and most importantly, eternal love.

Every day she breaths in dust and exhales smoke, which causes her to cough out blood, threatening her very own existence. She doesn’t know the difference and beauty of smoking free air. Fear and timidity have been her closest companion. She is perceived as uptight because her guard is up and ready for confrontation and rejection.

Her scars grow deeper with no one to hold her breaking soul and encourage her to try again. Did life come with a manual that her caregiver forgot to hand over?. Oh, how she wishes she had someone to tell her when this misery would end. Nothing ever made sense to her, broken beyond repair. The tears she cried every day did not give her solace anymore.

She had heard of a gift called salvation which she was to be purchased by pure gold. Who would have thought that the gift of salvation and happiness would ever knock at her doorstep?. Sorrow had become a constant companion, she welcomed her to make a home in her heart and soul. Twenty years under the sun, would salvation save her?.

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In Finances

Spending and saving

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SPENDING AND SAVING.

They say money is the source of all vices if used wrongly but it can also be a source of all comfort life can offer. You will need to cultivate discipline from within to ensure that your expenditure is not more than your disposable income or your savings are very minimal, balance is key. Here are some tips to help you learn how to strike a healthy balance:

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  1. Spending
    Whenever you receive any amount, you need to carefully calculate your pending, or else you will find yourself impulse buying. Keep track of your spending and narrow it down to the basics to ensure that you have enough to save. It is important to record all your expenditure for easy tracking.
  2. Budget for savings.

Once you have proper figures on your expenditure it will be easy for you to calculate how much money you can save monthly or any other time depending on how frequently you receive money.    Always budget for your savings to ensure you are.

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  1. Set a saving goal.
    When you have a specific goal of doing something you will have the self-drive to do anything to reach that set goal. Before saving you should often ask yourself, “what am I saving for?” It might be a car, a house, a piece of land. No matter what the reason is, it will give you direction on how you should go about it. Always categorize your goals into short term and long term.
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  1. Decide on your priorities.
    The more money you get the more the expenses incurred. It is normally advisable to focus on your priorities when you are planning to spend any amount of money. It may be challenging at first but the more you do this, it develops to a healthy pattern that will enable you to save more.
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  1. Choose the right tools.
    Gone are the days when people would save all their money under a mattress or walk with it. Various firms have come up to do the saving for you. You can choose a platform whereby your money will gain interest over a certain period like banks, insurance firms through money market funds, and SACCOs; you can also choose the simplest method we have today by saving in M-shwari through Safaricom. Choose a platform that will be flexible and convenient for you.
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  1. Discipline
    This is a self-drive that determines all your actions which most of the time brings out a positive outcome. If you are not willing to be disciplined with your spending you will never save at all. You will end up in a whole cycle whereby you will be using all your money without planning for the future. The harsh reality is that you may not always have money, and your savings now will come in handy.

Being financially disciplined is a gift you can always reward yourself. The progress might be slow but completely worth it. Take the step today and be bold enough to minimize every unwanted expense. Make the art of saving become a lifestyle. Know more on, medicare agents

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In Finances

Why join a Sacco

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WHY JOIN A SACCO?

Saving is a necessary financial discipline that prepares us for the uncertainty that comes with the future days, it also helps one achieve a certain set goal (buying land, paying fees, paying a mortgage, etc.) and also provides a sense of financial security. It is important to instil a culture of saving in the younger generation because they are the most energetic and are a representation of a nation.  A lot of saving platforms have come up over the past years (banks, Chamas, and money markets), however, Saccos still remain outstanding because of their convenience and flexibility.

A SACCO (Saving and Credit Cooperation Organization) is a platform formed by people with similar interests who come together to form a credit union.  SACCOS is becoming increasingly popular at this time because members are able to save money, take loans and buy shares. The beauty is that once you start saving in a SACCO you cannot access this money anytime but can only access it through taking a loan or terminating your membership. Another plus is that one does not incur any amount of money for saving in SACCOS.

Some of the benefits that come with being a member of a SACCO are:

  1. Emergency loans.
    When a SACCO member faces an emergency, they can apply for a loan which will be processed within twenty-four hours or depending on the borrower’s urgency. The interest rate for every grunted loan is low compared to banks which makes SACCOs very popular. It is also important to note since the loan is given within a short time, the payment duration is also limited.
  2. Instil a saving culture.
    SACCOs create a saving culture where members are needed to make a stipulated monthly contribution. The contribution must be made regardless of any financial crisis one might be facing. This helps to ensure a regular saving pattern and enhances a sense of financial security.
  3. Limited liability.
    This is a condition whereby shareholders are legally responsible for the debts of a company only to the extent of the nominal value of their shares.  Sacco members can be at ease because their liability is limited to their savings. This means that if the Sacco goes bankrupt the members’ personal assets remain secure.
  4. Investment opportunities.
    All Sacco members are subject to receive yearly dividends which are dependent on the balance in deposits and share capital.
    Some Saccos have different projects in which their members can invest in for example home properties or land. Members can venture into these projects at an affordable price.
  5. Cheap interest on loans.
    Saccos normally give out low-interest-rate loans which are very convenient. Some Saccos can allow one to borrow up to three or four times their savings. For this to be implemented one will need to have a guarantor or collateral which acts as the security.Saccos are revolutionizing the saving culture in the modern. If you are looking for a platform to start your saving journey, consider joining a Sacco today.
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In Love

Koito

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The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favour from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

NLT

This is a traditional Kalenjin wedding ritual that involves the negotiation of the bride’s dowry. The bride and her family are in charge of all the expenses on this day because it is considered to be the bride’s day. They are two ceremonies in one, the first one is the bride negotiating the price which involves the elders from the bride and groom side together with their parents and other family representatives. For any woman, it is a divine joy to be given away to her husband by her parents in a ceremonious yet beautiful way.

My best friend and I had been planning for months about this day which was scheduled to be on the twenty-sixth day of December in Kapsabet. I have always been a country girl, I have to admit the number of times I have visited the countryside are countable. This made Mavis a bit sceptical if I would survive a whole week with her in the countryside. I had to travel a few days earlier before the planned date because she needed my help with some final preparations.

 

Mavis has been my best friend since 2014, more of my soulmate and human diary. We met at The Boma Hotel over a brunoise carrot cut and we became inseparable ever since. I had seen her grow from the time we met to this moment when she had decided to start this new path for herself. It had been a blessing being her partner throughout her journey and now she had to add another crucial partner to guide her too through her journey.

Everything was set for the long-anticipated day. We were in Eldoret town having lunch before we went to Kapsabet town. As victor and Mavis sat across me I could see how much they were in love. It’s funny how when you meet your right rib you all begin to portray similar characters. Victor was a man worth admiring, a few months after he and Mavis met he was sure that he wanted to spend his life with her. He didn’t hesitate to do things right and two years down the line they were both making it formal. They belonged to each other and I was one of the people rooting for this relationship even when things became thick. It then dawned on me the element both of them had is that they never gave up on each other when times got tough, they were extremely patient with and they tried their best to understand each other even when at times the best response was to fight each other. It had been a long day, we were doing final preparations for the next day which was the long-awaited celebration.

By the time we got to Kapsabet, the rain had subsided. It had rained heavily for the past few days and all we could do was hope that the clouds will not pour the next day, or till the ceremony was over and done with. There was so much excitement in the house. Mavis’s family embraced her and were proud of her that she had decided to take this life-changing step.

 

That night we ate tripes (matumbo) and I remember her aunties warning her against eating the tripes because it would rain heavily on her special day, this was more of superstition so we didn’t take the warning seriously. That night there was a heavy downpour that escalated to early the next morning. The village women woke up at 4 am all roads leading to Mavis’ home. They began to prepare the delicacies that would be eaten throughout the whole day. The event planner arrived very early but couldn’t do the proper setup of the home compound till the rains subsided. As expected, the area was a bit muddy, but the show had to go on no matter what.

Mavis and her maid of honour had two sets of clothes. One which was to be worn during the bride price negotiations and the other to be worn during the final ceremony. The Maid of honour played a very important role. She had to be someone who was completely conversant with Kalengin traditions and she was to act as a witness and sign a document once the bride price was agreed upon.

The bridal price negotiation began at around 11 am due to the heavy rains. A representative for Mavis’ family, Kimutai, welcomed Victor’s family and the negotiations began. Normally the number of people who would be allowed into the main house for the bridal negotiations would depend on the size of the house. In this scenario, Victor, his parents one of his uncles, one of his aunties, elders of the family, and his brother were allowed into the house to conduct the negotiations.

As soon as the necessary parties had settled in the living room, Kimutai cleared his throat and asked “What has brought you to this homestead?”

 

“Well! We were passing by and we saw a very healthy good looking cow that we would like to borrow?” Korir answered, he was the representative for Victor’s family. A formal introduction would then be done from both parties their family name, the clan they come from and the animal symbol they identify with.

” We have very beautiful women in this homestead. Given a chance to identify your woman, will you be able to identify her?” Kimutai asked.

” Yes I would,” Victor responded while he nodded his head, an illustration that he was here for serious business.

This question normally was addressed to the groom to ensure that he was content with the woman he chose to be his bride. Several women were paraded before him, each taking their turn, and as expected Victor declined all the women and settled to wait for his betrothed. Mavis was wearing a red kitenge dress with black detail and when she entered the room to be identified the room was filled with ululations.

Once Mavis was identified as “the one” she allowed her elders to proceed with the marriage negotiations and she was asked to stay in the room with us, her maids.

It was now the turn of the representative from Victor’s side to speak.

” We are willing to offer a cow which is brown in colour and its calf(this was a compulsory price), a young calf and a bull,” Korir said.

There was pin-drop silence in the room.

“We do not agree to these terms, do you want to be sent away without your bride?,” Kimutai asked. “You see in the Nandi community, the bride price is five cows, nothing less than that,”.

“Okay! We are willing to add one more cow. In total, we would have given you five cows. In addition to all these, the mother to the groom would also want to give a sheep to the bride’s mother,”

Kimutai looked at his people and they all nodded their heads with smiles on their faces.

“Yes, we now agree to these terms,” he said with a smile on his face. A timeline was agreed to when the livestock would be delivered to Mavis’ homestead.

After the price was agreed upon there was the giving of various gifts to symbolize that the negotiations were a great success. Mavis was then called back into the room, she and her beloved stood face to face with each other and she pinned a brooch on the left side of his shirt and he did the same to the dress she was wearing, this symbolized the deal between both parties had already been sealed and her maid of honour also signed the document. Mavis and her Maid of honour then retired back to the room where the rest of the maids were patiently waiting.

A set of cups and gourds were brought into the living room and each man who had participated in the negotiation was given a cup and a gourd. The first man to be gifted was Victor’s father and his uncles, his brother, and finally, the elders that accompanied his family. The women were then given liquid vegetable oil on plates and everyone who took part in the negotiation was served “Mursik”(their traditional signature drink). The Mursik was a symbolism that the ceremony can proceed to the next level. Victor’s Uncle began singing and Mavis was called to be paraded outside before the guests who had come for the ceremony as a sign that she had agreed to be married to her beloved. She was given some lesos and came back inside to prepare for the second part of the ceremony.

We all were ready for the second part of the ceremony. The bridesmaids stood in two lines with Mavis in the middle. She looked mesmerizing, her dress her make-up the finishing on her hair, every tiny detail about her was perfect. She looked a bit nervous but excited at the same time. If you want to know the essence of time ask a groom and a bride waiting to be united for life. We all danced alongside her together with most of the women from her village moving towards the tent which was allocated to us. It was muddy but none of us seemed to care, our friend, daughter, sister, a neighbour was getting married and this was the only important thing.

The ceremony then began with opening prayers from a preacher who sanctified and blessed the union. Relatives from both sides expressed their joy brought by this union. Each of them took time to give Mavis and victor reasonable advice that would guide them throughout their marriage. What caught my eye is the number of times both families gifted each other as a sign of love, acceptance, and appreciation. Victor’s folks gifted Mavis’ family with duvets and this was also reciprocated by Mavis’ family. The grandparents from both sides were given blankets, the groomsmen were given Maasai shukas and the maids were given lesos.

 

Another significant gift was the giving of attire to the bride. Mavis’ parents gave her two brand new dresses and a pair of new shoes. This was to symbolize they have sent her well in good health and raised her to be a responsible woman and Victor’s family should vow to maintain and keep her. Victor’s parents also gave her two pairs of clothes and a pair of shoes to signify that they have accepted the responsibility and have taken Mavis as their daughter.

The guests then stood in a circle with Mavis inside the circle. There was a lot of merry and dancing as people took their turn to shower the bride with all forms of gifts from money to household equipment. All these gifts were a sign of goodwill as she began a new life with her husband.

I am grateful that my best friend chose me to be a part of this important phase in her life. And I wish her all the best in her new union.

“Kweli ni raha kupenda na kupendwa!”

 

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In Love

The Lover

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As the bus left the NYS Camp a slight ray of excitement filled my heart. Ever since I joined the NYS camp my anticipation for this day, my first job placement had been building up. When my parents found out about the NYS program, they didn’t bother to ask whether I was interested in joining it or not, they decided for me. This exasperated me but growing up with strict African parents, you already knew that whatever they said or decided had to be done incontrovertibly. After staying for three years with a useless University degree and no job, this seemed like a solid strategy to me landing a well-paying job.

The NYS program was really hard and I loathed everything about it from the early mornings with tiresome exercise routines, the uniform we had to wear, and the fact that we were completely isolated from the outside world, apart from the days we went home. The fact that I didn’t have access to my phone for the early part of the program was depressing, imagine being confined with the same people, the same daily routine without even having a social media breather, mentally exhausting right?. For me, the rules that governed the NYS seemed needless, I was twenty-four why would I still need to operate as though I was in a boarding school. I finally got my phone back during the last lap of the program and this was because I got job placement at the JKIA. My parents and best friend were elated as much as I was, things were finally looking up for me.

As we got to the JKIA we were directed to a designated waiting area and advised to wait for the next directive. We waited in silence and as my anticipation for the day grew so did my glee, I intended to make a good first impression. In approximately thirty minutes the supervisor came and she directed us to our designated stations. By the time the bus came to pick us up in the evening to retire to the camp, I felt accomplished and could hardly wait for the next day.

Singlehood was a path I had chosen for four solid years after walking out of a very abusive relationship and was content with my emotional and mental state. My cousin had other plans for me, she decided to set me up with one of her friends who worked at JKIA too. George was quite an adonis but he was neither my type because he was a bit uncouth and rustic. He was completely clueless about how a lady was to be treated, this got me more disinterested. I urged myself to give him a chance even though I did not feel the same towards him.

 

Ben was the guy who kept on pestering me at work and didn’t take no for an answer. When we met at the hallways he would constantly say hello and tell me stories that didn’t make sense. With a blank stare on my face, I would unwillingly entertain him and wished that our encounter would end because he infuriated me. He took this courting to a higher notch where he would send my work-friends to bring me gifts like food and shoes just to lure me and constantly showing up at my workstation. I had made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he feared to give me the gifts personally because of my reaction. His fears were justified because, given the chance, I would love to shove him away and throw the gifts at his face.

As time passed by I got so comfortable and accustomed to his gifts and without noticing I developing a liking for him. My friends urged me to give him a chance because he knew how to treat a woman, was handsome and was everything George was not.

After a series of internal monologues, I decided to go on a date with Ben. Earlier during that week, I had filled in a leave-out sheet at the NYS camp with the reason being I had to see my optician. By Friday morning the Nys warden informed me that my request had been approved and I should be ready to leave by noon when my parents arrived. My glee couldn’t be contained and I texted Ben to tell him we would meet the next day for our planned date after I visit the optician.

I took longer than usual to prepare for my date because I wanted to look sensational and leave an impression that will linger in Ben’s mind. We met in the CBD at noon and went for lunch at the Big square. For the first time, I found myself enjoying his chattering and even laughed at some of his lame jokes. We then proceeded to Panari Hotel for skating which I had never done before. Fear took over me but he was there to encourage me to try out something new. By the end of the night as he drove me home a wave of calmness and peace radiated inside of me. As we got to my gate he leaned in and kissed my lips. My stomach became hot and some chills ran down my spine as he caressed my cheek, I felt complete. As I went into my room that night I went to eutopia as I smiled sheepishly reminiscing the day’s events.

I could not contain how I felt towards Ben, it was evident I was growing fond of him with each passing day. When He asked me to be his girlfriend I was elated and decided to end things with George. The news destroyed George especially when he found out that his successor would be his friend, Ben. In all honesty, when I accepted Ben’s proposal to be exclusive with him, I was not completely in love with him but I believed my love would grow gradually.

My hands trembled as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand, two red lines, I was pregnant. It had only been a month after I completed the NYS program and we had only dated for three months. How would we explain to our parents about this pregnancy?. His Parents were staunch Christians and his mother never advocated for fornication, she always wanted us to wait till marriage. On the other hand, my parents had so many dreams for me and this new situation meant that my life would take a different turn. Fate played a great role on the day we approached both our parents, they were a bit disappointed but expressed their support.

On one of our dates, I developed excruciating abdominal pain and you rushed me to the hospital. To our dismay, the hospital attendants expressed some laxity and completely ignored it. With hot tears flowing from my cheeks, my motherly instincts were awakened, all I could think of was the well-being of my baby. After an hour it was our turn to see the doctor and he conducted an ultrasound and a pap smear test. He suggested that I had a minor infection that will clear off and prescribed antibiotics. I was dissatisfied with his findings simply because of the poor services the facility had offered and my gut had always been right. You felt I was being paranoid and we agreed that I should take the medication and monitor my progress after a day or two.

When my condition became worse with assistance from our parents we decided to seek a second opinion. We visited a new gynaecologist who was very worried because one of my fallopian tubes contained cystic growth and the pap smear test I did at the other health facility did more harm than good. He advised that I was to be admitted to the medical facility but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable, actually I hated hospitals. He prescribed bed rest and my parents and siblings took it upon themselves to take care of me. A couple of days after we left the hospital was completely lifeless and my complexion had changed to yellow. My mother was so scared and took me to the gynaecologist we had met. On our way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat of the car in complete silence and tears flowing from my eyes my mother held my hand and tried to assure me that the baby will be fine.

It was too late, nothing could be done, our baby was no more. You came to the hospital as soon as you heard the news and held me in your arms:
” Baby, it’s going to be okay,” you said.
Having you at this moment gave me strength and for the next couple of days though my grief was heightened you were still there. When I lost our baby I felt like I died too but your love and support nursed me back to life.

After a couple of months, things began changing between us, you became notably reticent and pushed me away. We were in constant quarrels and on some days we wouldn’t even talk. This broke my heart because you were my happy ending and this didn’t seem like a happy ending, it was more of a nightmare. Then you broke up with me with the defence that you wanted to make a turnaround in your life and become a serious Christian like your parents. You alleged that we were sinning and if we don’t change we would go to hell, you even dared to criticize me and told me this relationship would only work if I changed my lifestyle and got saved, how judgemental.

I permitted you to have your way and picked my broken pieces and tried to move on. My heart ached for you, the nights became sleepless because all I could think of was you and your loving. Why was it so easy for you to let me go and forget what we had?. But then you realized you made a mistake and began pursuing me pleading with me to forgive you. My heart was glad, I choose to let bygones be bygones and accepted you back because I needed you.

 

Every time I came over to your house for a sleepover you were constantly on your phone, constantly on the lookout as though you were hiding something and numerous passwords for everything, which made me get more suspicious. Your neighbour was very attractive and I noticed you had developed a habit of hanging out with her behind closed doors of her house even when I was present. You would post her on your WhatsApp status and indicated she was the reason for your living. Was I insecure? Yes, I was extremely insecure, this woman was getting everything I once had and what I needed, your attention.

One day you left me alone in the house and I decided to do the general cleaning of the house. I began to find women’s items that did not belong to me in our bedroom. My heart shuddered with fear and distress, I had lost you I really had. But I convinced myself I would not leave you unless you told me to because I could not imagine life without you. With a heavy heart, I gathered all the items I had found and placed them on the table and I prepared myself to get my answers and clarity from you. As expected you came home really late and I was on the couch watching TV. I asked you if we could talk and I began to coax you about the items I found.

The conversation took a different curve, it turned into a heated argument and I began to cry, asking you to take me home. You took my cellphone and locked me inside the house because you didn’t want me to leave. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I developed an anxiety attack. I banged the door with my fists and pleaded with you to let me out for some air but you completely ignored me. After an hour you came back and apologized for everything. It’s funny how my brain had a perfect image of how this week would turn out, we would rekindle our love but look at how it turned out.

When I went back home I had a recollection with myself and came to a realization that I deserved better, not you. You had caused me so much pain in the past few months, I could hardly smile. You had become too toxic for my sanity, something had to give way for me to regain my happiness. I deleted your number and every tangible memory of you on my phone, you now became a distant memory. But you wouldn’t let me be, you would constantly call and text and I ignored you till the day you showed up at my home. The only decent thing I could do is give you a listening ear because I wanted to put an end to this aberration. To date, I don’t know what to make of what you told me.

You explained a few months before we met you stole a huge sum of money from your auntie who had been cruel to you. The money is what made you buy not one but two cars and it sustained your lavish lifestyle. You firmly believed she planted a curse on you which was the reason we lost our baby and the sole reason for every anguish in your life. You admitted that this was the reason you broke up with me the first time because you wanted to keep me safe from the curse.

That night as you walked out the door something walked out of me as well. This was the end I had spent preparing for the last couple of days.

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