Tag

heart

Browsing

As the bus left the NYS Camp a slight ray of excitement filled my heart. Ever since I joined the NYS camp my anticipation for this day, my first job placement had been building up. When my parents found out about the NYS program, they didn’t bother to ask whether I was interested in joining it or not, they decided for me. This exasperated me but growing up with strict African parents, you already knew that whatever they said or decided had to be done incontrovertibly. After staying for three years with a useless University degree and no job, this seemed like a solid strategy to me landing a well-paying job.

The NYS program was really hard and I loathed everything about it from the early mornings with tiresome exercise routines, the uniform we had to wear, and the fact that we were completely isolated from the outside world, apart from the days we went home. The fact that I didn’t have access to my phone for the early part of the program was depressing, imagine being confined with the same people, the same daily routine without even having a social media breather, mentally exhausting right?. For me, the rules that governed the NYS seemed needless, I was twenty-four why would I still need to operate as though I was in a boarding school. I finally got my phone back during the last lap of the program and this was because I got job placement at the JKIA. My parents and best friend were elated as much as I was, things were finally looking up for me.

As we got to the JKIA we were directed to a designated waiting area and advised to wait for the next directive. We waited in silence and as my anticipation for the day grew so did my glee, I intended to make a good first impression. In approximately thirty minutes the supervisor came and she directed us to our designated stations. By the time the bus came to pick us up in the evening to retire to the camp, I felt accomplished and could hardly wait for the next day.

Singlehood was a path I had chosen for four solid years after walking out of a very abusive relationship and was content with my emotional and mental state. My cousin had other plans for me, she decided to set me up with one of her friends who worked at JKIA too. George was quite an adonis but he was neither my type because he was a bit uncouth and rustic. He was completely clueless about how a lady was to be treated, this got me more disinterested. I urged myself to give him a chance even though I did not feel the same towards him.

 

Ben was the guy who kept on pestering me at work and didn’t take no for an answer. When we met at the hallways he would constantly say hello and tell me stories that didn’t make sense. With a blank stare on my face, I would unwillingly entertain him and wished that our encounter would end because he infuriated me. He took this courting to a higher notch where he would send my work-friends to bring me gifts like food and shoes just to lure me and constantly showing up at my workstation. I had made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he feared to give me the gifts personally because of my reaction. His fears were justified because, given the chance, I would love to shove him away and throw the gifts at his face.

As time passed by I got so comfortable and accustomed to his gifts and without noticing I developing a liking for him. My friends urged me to give him a chance because he knew how to treat a woman, was handsome and was everything George was not.

After a series of internal monologues, I decided to go on a date with Ben. Earlier during that week, I had filled in a leave-out sheet at the NYS camp with the reason being I had to see my optician. By Friday morning the Nys warden informed me that my request had been approved and I should be ready to leave by noon when my parents arrived. My glee couldn’t be contained and I texted Ben to tell him we would meet the next day for our planned date after I visit the optician.

I took longer than usual to prepare for my date because I wanted to look sensational and leave an impression that will linger in Ben’s mind. We met in the CBD at noon and went for lunch at the Big square. For the first time, I found myself enjoying his chattering and even laughed at some of his lame jokes. We then proceeded to Panari Hotel for skating which I had never done before. Fear took over me but he was there to encourage me to try out something new. By the end of the night as he drove me home a wave of calmness and peace radiated inside of me. As we got to my gate he leaned in and kissed my lips. My stomach became hot and some chills ran down my spine as he caressed my cheek, I felt complete. As I went into my room that night I went to eutopia as I smiled sheepishly reminiscing the day’s events.

I could not contain how I felt towards Ben, it was evident I was growing fond of him with each passing day. When He asked me to be his girlfriend I was elated and decided to end things with George. The news destroyed George especially when he found out that his successor would be his friend, Ben. In all honesty, when I accepted Ben’s proposal to be exclusive with him, I was not completely in love with him but I believed my love would grow gradually.

My hands trembled as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand, two red lines, I was pregnant. It had only been a month after I completed the NYS program and we had only dated for three months. How would we explain to our parents about this pregnancy?. His Parents were staunch Christians and his mother never advocated for fornication, she always wanted us to wait till marriage. On the other hand, my parents had so many dreams for me and this new situation meant that my life would take a different turn. Fate played a great role on the day we approached both our parents, they were a bit disappointed but expressed their support.

On one of our dates, I developed excruciating abdominal pain and you rushed me to the hospital. To our dismay, the hospital attendants expressed some laxity and completely ignored it. With hot tears flowing from my cheeks, my motherly instincts were awakened, all I could think of was the well-being of my baby. After an hour it was our turn to see the doctor and he conducted an ultrasound and a pap smear test. He suggested that I had a minor infection that will clear off and prescribed antibiotics. I was dissatisfied with his findings simply because of the poor services the facility had offered and my gut had always been right. You felt I was being paranoid and we agreed that I should take the medication and monitor my progress after a day or two.

When my condition became worse with assistance from our parents we decided to seek a second opinion. We visited a new gynaecologist who was very worried because one of my fallopian tubes contained cystic growth and the pap smear test I did at the other health facility did more harm than good. He advised that I was to be admitted to the medical facility but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable, actually I hated hospitals. He prescribed bed rest and my parents and siblings took it upon themselves to take care of me. A couple of days after we left the hospital was completely lifeless and my complexion had changed to yellow. My mother was so scared and took me to the gynaecologist we had met. On our way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat of the car in complete silence and tears flowing from my eyes my mother held my hand and tried to assure me that the baby will be fine.

It was too late, nothing could be done, our baby was no more. You came to the hospital as soon as you heard the news and held me in your arms:
” Baby, it’s going to be okay,” you said.
Having you at this moment gave me strength and for the next couple of days though my grief was heightened you were still there. When I lost our baby I felt like I died too but your love and support nursed me back to life.

After a couple of months, things began changing between us, you became notably reticent and pushed me away. We were in constant quarrels and on some days we wouldn’t even talk. This broke my heart because you were my happy ending and this didn’t seem like a happy ending, it was more of a nightmare. Then you broke up with me with the defence that you wanted to make a turnaround in your life and become a serious Christian like your parents. You alleged that we were sinning and if we don’t change we would go to hell, you even dared to criticize me and told me this relationship would only work if I changed my lifestyle and got saved, how judgemental.

I permitted you to have your way and picked my broken pieces and tried to move on. My heart ached for you, the nights became sleepless because all I could think of was you and your loving. Why was it so easy for you to let me go and forget what we had?. But then you realized you made a mistake and began pursuing me pleading with me to forgive you. My heart was glad, I choose to let bygones be bygones and accepted you back because I needed you.

 

Every time I came over to your house for a sleepover you were constantly on your phone, constantly on the lookout as though you were hiding something and numerous passwords for everything, which made me get more suspicious. Your neighbour was very attractive and I noticed you had developed a habit of hanging out with her behind closed doors of her house even when I was present. You would post her on your WhatsApp status and indicated she was the reason for your living. Was I insecure? Yes, I was extremely insecure, this woman was getting everything I once had and what I needed, your attention.

One day you left me alone in the house and I decided to do the general cleaning of the house. I began to find women’s items that did not belong to me in our bedroom. My heart shuddered with fear and distress, I had lost you I really had. But I convinced myself I would not leave you unless you told me to because I could not imagine life without you. With a heavy heart, I gathered all the items I had found and placed them on the table and I prepared myself to get my answers and clarity from you. As expected you came home really late and I was on the couch watching TV. I asked you if we could talk and I began to coax you about the items I found.

The conversation took a different curve, it turned into a heated argument and I began to cry, asking you to take me home. You took my cellphone and locked me inside the house because you didn’t want me to leave. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I developed an anxiety attack. I banged the door with my fists and pleaded with you to let me out for some air but you completely ignored me. After an hour you came back and apologized for everything. It’s funny how my brain had a perfect image of how this week would turn out, we would rekindle our love but look at how it turned out.

When I went back home I had a recollection with myself and came to a realization that I deserved better, not you. You had caused me so much pain in the past few months, I could hardly smile. You had become too toxic for my sanity, something had to give way for me to regain my happiness. I deleted your number and every tangible memory of you on my phone, you now became a distant memory. But you wouldn’t let me be, you would constantly call and text and I ignored you till the day you showed up at my home. The only decent thing I could do is give you a listening ear because I wanted to put an end to this aberration. To date, I don’t know what to make of what you told me.

You explained a few months before we met you stole a huge sum of money from your auntie who had been cruel to you. The money is what made you buy not one but two cars and it sustained your lavish lifestyle. You firmly believed she planted a curse on you which was the reason we lost our baby and the sole reason for every anguish in your life. You admitted that this was the reason you broke up with me the first time because you wanted to keep me safe from the curse.

That night as you walked out the door something walked out of me as well. This was the end I had spent preparing for the last couple of days.

Society has portrayed the male gender to be the mastermind behind all heartbreaks and toxic relations. Mostly we hear the term “Men are dogs” and I think it is a bit unfair, women too can be dogs. But what if we all came to an acknowledgement that we are all toxic in our way and we both have the upper hand in causing pain. I am sure that in my lifetime I too might have caused pain to a certain man who might have loved me with all he had, not once or twice. Let’s put down our self-righteous hats and look at relationship heartbreaks from both angles.

After being with someone for so long you adopt a carefree lifestyle because you are sure that they have your back no matter what. You consider them as your soulmate and you can almost not picture a life without them. I never saw this coming and somedays I wish the universe gave me a heads up before this heartbreak. The truth is I loved you with my all, you were meant to be my woman for eternity. Now I’m torn between making a fresh start and accepting you back.

“Wow, the view from up here is amazing,” I said with so much cheer in my voice. We had just got to the top of the third hill of Ngong and we were both fatigued. Panting heavily we took a moment to rest by the grass and you laid next to me. I looked at you and my mind noted that this is what perfection looked like, you looked so beautiful today. A thought came into my mind to take pictures of you because I believe pictures hold sentimental memories. So I stood up, got my phone, and with every snap you switched your poses and angles. My excitement must have been way overboard because by the time I finished taking the pictures my phone almost went off. They were two hundred and thirty-seven, yes, I counted them immediately I got home.

We planned for a sleepover and I was 
eagerly anticipating that night.

 

When the evening came I remember I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to spend more time with you. One whole day was not enough for me, I needed to feel you every day because my heart was falling deeper and deeper in love with you. We had dated for three years and I was convinced you were my chosen queen. As we went separate ways to our abode, I could hardly keep calm because I wanted to text you to find out if you got home then the conversation would flow from there. Our conversations were the best, we would talk day and night and never run out of things to tell each other. We were like teenagers who discovered the theory of technology and online romance, constantly on our phones.

We planned for a sleepover and I was eagerly anticipating that night. We would get take out dinner, watch some movies on Netflix and just be in that moment together, typical lovers sleepover. Your parents were really strict, but you found a way to convince them and showed up at my house for the agreed sleepover. We had a beautiful night together and soon it was morning.

“What is your phone password,” I asked as you were in the shower. I was never the type to snoop but I was curious about what you told your girls’ about me. Any guy who is dating knows that if they want to get tea about a girl’s true feelings for them their closest girl chats contain this information.
A moment of silence passed between us, “1983,” you responded hesitantly. I logged into your WhatsApp and perused through the group chat. Then I saw most conversations were based on Keith and not me. Keith was the son of your parent’s friends, they had visited your home and they brought Keith along. This is how your friendship began, at least that’s what you told me. He took you out for dates and one time he took you to KFC and you wore one of my hoddies, took a selfie with him, and posted it on your social media. From the chats I couldn’t believe my eyes, you were cheating on me with Keith. We had been in a relationship for three years, our families knew we were dating then suddenly Keith comes along and three months later you are dating him. What is it that you saw in him for you to throw away all the three years we had?

A sharp pain stung my heart and a slight tear dropped. Three whole years fleeting from my grip in a span of minutes, just minutes. As I sat on the bed waiting for you to get out of the bathroom I tried to join the dots, asking myself where I had failed. And as you got out of the bathroom and saw my face you knew that I knew and nothing could change. You went to the kitchen got a knife and held it to your stomach threatened to kill yourself if I left you. I clenched my fists in anger because you disrespected me. How dare you pull this suicide card on me? I wasn’t the one who cheated, you did.

 

Hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks and you tried to console me but I shoved you away. My heart wept because it loved you immensely and was not willing to do life without you. How stupid! Love can make you endure things that you don’t deserve. We sat on the bed in silence as I wept trying to release the pain I felt and you looked at me with fear and confusion in your eyes. You tried to tell me that you made a mistake and were willing to fight for us, but at that moment I wanted a reason as to why you did it. My darling, I was or still I’m a fool for you because I chose to forgive everything and love you with your faults.

Two days after you left my house is when I began feeling the adverse effects of our end. You stopped responding to my texts or calls and we barely talked or saw each other anymore. All I wanted was to show you that I can be there for you, love you harder and be the man for you. Your actions proved that I wasn’t enough for you and this broke me completely. I tried my best to bring us back together but your texts were curt and emotionless. The harder I tried the more you pushed me away, showing me how useless my efforts were. I asked whether you cared about me and you said that I made you not care about me, these words stung deep into my heart.

As helpless as I was I would constantly call you to get an explanation as to what I was doing wrong to make you not care for me. As expected, all my calls would end up being disconnected. I might have looked a little bit desperate but I was your fool, a fool for your love. Then it dawned on me, I had to read between the lines because actions speak louder than words and in this scenario, your actions simply showed that you were done with me, yes you forgot all the three years we spent together. I want to apologize for loving you too much, for needing you a little bit more than you did me, for always wanting to spend every moment with you. Forgive me for not letting you go when you clearly gave me the indication that we were over. And for all the moments I embarrassed myself before you, please pardon me, my lover.

Recently I got the courage to delete all your pictures from my phone, the two hundred and thirty-seven that we took at Ngong Hills, and every other photo I had of you. As deleted them, I swear I received my healing.

As I got into the cab a feeling of great shame and guilt engulfed me, I had cheated on you. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I was faithful to you but society advocated it as healing for my bleeding heart. Every moment he caressed my body, kissed my lips, moaned in pleasure my mind thought of you. Cheating was something I would have never advocated for in my right state of mind but getting even with you was something I pondered about the past few days. Sometimes when you find yourself in a loveless relationship, you decide to look for ways to ease your pain.

All my friends told me to walk away from you because of how you treated me. You had suddenly turned into a manipulative, emotionally abusive, and disrespectful lover. Just the other day one of your side pieces came by the house looking for you. Of course, you denied everything and accused me of stirring up trouble because men like you never admit when they are caught red-handed. Men like you feed off the misery of women like me. You were my bully, taunting me with every chance you got.

When I walked into the house, you were seated on the couch and I wondered if you could sense my infidelity the way I sensed yours. The water glided on my skin washing away my infidelity and the deep sense of guilt and shame that lingered in my mind. Why was it hard to be like you, heartless in all your actions?. Society gratifies any man who commits adultery but is also the first to cast stone on any woman who commits the same. Double standards!

That weekend you had left home claiming that you were going to work then off for a team-building in the afternoon, you would be back on Sunday evening. You took me for a fool, I questioned and pleaded with you to be honest with me because no company organizes afternoon team buildings that will prolong throughout the entire weekend. Deep down I knew you lied to my face because you had planned to see one of your women. The thought of another woman pleasuring you made me sick, this was the incurable disease that inflicted me.

 

You held me that night, our bodies intertwined together, igniting a fire inside me. With every kiss, every thrust, every caress, this had to be the last time we would be like this. Tears mixed with heavy emotions fell from my eyes, and when you whispered you loved me, some tingly feeling settled in my heart. Your kiss that showered me all over made me feel alive and reborn was a similar kiss I shared with many. What a shame that your actions were not pure but full of malice and selfish desires.

When morning came my heart was unsettled, torn between leaving you and staying with you, the man who made my heart glow.

“God, give me clarity!” I repeated this prayer in my spirit for the next five minutes. Alas! as if the heavens were responding to my little prayer your phone beeped. Nancy sent you a message which confirmed my suspicions. This was not my first time contending with your infidelity. This was my awakening, a revival to steer me to my next endeavour. The laughter that would be confused to be that of a madwoman flowed out of my mouth.

Dear Lover,
I hope this finds you happy and alive, full of strength as you journey through life. Please forgive me for any form of unhappiness I caused, that made you constantly unfaithful. Now that we are no more, my prayer is that you may have happiness though sometimes(just sometimes)I wish thunder would strike you dead. The nights and days were hard at first because my body wasn’t designed to lay on its own without your embrace and my heart yearned for you, constantly calling your name.

 

Forgiveness is in the power of the forgiver not in the one who needs to be forgiven. I forgive you for all the emotional scars you caused, the low self-esteem you caused, the three years I constantly forgave you, and most of all for making me feel less human. Where you caused pain love will be my new hope. Thank you for being my confidant and for the few times you loved me.
Kind Regards,
The one you chose to forget.

Dear Diary,
Here I am bleeding out my heart to you for the millionth time about him because you won’t judge, you would understand. For a moment it felt like we had something beautiful, grounded, and rooted deep in our hearts. Guess my heart was the only casualty because he left with no remorse leaving behind a mess of my broken pieces for me to mend. Every time my phone rings I wish it was him calling, saying he made a mistake and he wants me back. My heart tries to move on but any form of solace is met with the harsh reality, I’m not over him.

 

But how can someone who looks so innocent be so cruel and unkind? He had a beautiful smile that drove me crazy and would make me obliged to smile back. His infectious laughter would make me join in laughter too, he was really funny. Black was his signature colour and he looked dashing in anything that he wore. The aura of confidence he carried mesmerized me, made me want to be a better person. I genuinely poured out my heart to him, hoping he would fill it with his love, he was my adonis.

 

I genuinely poured out my heart to him, hoping he would fill it
with his love, he was my adonis.

One of the most vivid memories that constantly slips my mind was the time we bickered because of some messages on his phone. During that quarrel, my brain kept on telling me all this didn’t matter, the content of the texts or the person the texts were addressed to. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrong and my love for him was determined to show him that we could live past his transgressions. He knew he was my weakness but this didn’t prevent him from dropping me as if I were hot coal on his hands.

The numerous texts that I send to him all go unanswered but my main focus is reminding him what we had or maybe get some closure. Don’t get me wrong diary, I don’t mean to be a pest but how do I begin afresh without him?. Sometimes I fantasize how good it was having him next to me, his scent, his smile, and his hands, the hands that caused me sleepless nights. Maybe my heart dived a little bit too deep too fast which made me seem a little bit desperate.

Even in this moment of distance and silence between us, my heart still beats for him. What we had was pure and I strongly believe nothing could contaminate it. May I find solace and peace of mind during this time of uncertainty and anxiousness? Move on? why would I move on from someone who has my whole soul?. Any sane person would move away from this toxicity but the memory of you keeps me warm at night. I’ll hold on a little bit longer.

Your complicated companion through life!

As the phone rang, I looked at the caller ID and clicked the ignore button. A year had passed since I fled from your toxicity and this phone call was to lure me back. As silly as this might sound, it took a simple phone call for me to end up entangled with you between your sheets. There is always that person who knows you too well to know the right buttons to push using words. You were that person for me, my ultimate weakness.

The past couple of months were emotionally rough because I threw the towel on us. Your toxicity had become the core that dictated my moods and everything concerning me. Settling into a new job was not going that well considering the heartbreak, my mind was not at ease. Your absence made me sleepless with thoughts of what could have been if you just stayed loyal. My heart yearned for your touch and some nights, sleep seemed afar because I was so used to your wrapped hands around me, which made me sleep peacefully.

 

We had a dysfunctional kind of relationship whereby you were the perpetrator, the terror that shook my very core. The manipulative words, the lies, the mental bullying all made you in control. Sometimes I think you liked torturing me just to see me shed a tear under the mercy of your feet. Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter, and so is playing wife for a mare lover, wifely duties, and pleasures which leads to zero respect. Know more on, seat covers

One of the bravest decisions was fleeing from you for the very first time. At first, I didn’t want to because despite my jobless state you sheltered me, fed me to some extent clothed me. Ideally, we are all wired to remember changes that made us stronger and this change was really painful but worth it. With several suitcases, I rang the doorbell to my parents’ home, who welcomed me with open arms.

I was being unreasonable because it was the first time you cheated, how pathetic!

Their prodigal daughter came back home after years of hiding away due to fear and shame. You thought I was being unreasonable because it was the first time you cheated, how pathetic!. Your selfishness blinded you making your main concern centred on how I viewed your transgression. Your ego made you so distant that you didn’t notice how depression took residence in my life.

You knew my love for phone calls and took it upon yourself to call me daily, pleading in the name of your so-called love to make amends with me. The more you called the more my heart remained warm and soft to your charm. Sex is the mother of all good and bad patterns that will shape your life, this played out in my life. You had asked to see me over the weekend, and I knew what would happen, I wanted it to happen. Men are visual creatures and this was my driving motive for my attire selection. By the end of the meeting, I was intertwined with your body, forgave your transgressions, and became your mate again.

The heart can be so gullible and vulnerable when in love which leads to stupid decisions. A few months after our blissful reunion you went back to your old habits. As disrespectful as it was my heart thought you would change, and my love burned with the same flame. It’s a mystery to how the heart reasons because how do you stay in love with someone who tears you down every day? how do you kiss that person every morning without shuddering?. You vowed to change and talked me out of leaving you a couple of times. But words without actions are pointless, just uttering English into a blank space.

For the second and final time, I gathered my belongings and left. Honestly, my heart thought that we would work this out like we always do but destiny had something different in-store. The days turned to months, it dawned on me we were over. Women are known to pick themselves up faster in the event of heartbreak and I lived up to this. My life had to go on with or without you. Though I have to admit there is a void in my heart, thirst only you could quench. And here you are a year later, blowing up my phone, this was a phone call from hell.

” Hello! How are you?” you asked in a deep raspy voice
“I’m okay!” I responded
A moment of silence passed between us.
” If you are home please come by we talk as you pick some of the clothes you left behind,” you said in a soft voice which was very familiar to me
” I don’t need them, just burn them,” I hang up the phone.

It’s funny how just the sound of your voice was able to completely throw me off balance. For a split second, I longed for you, your touch.