Notes By Middii
Tag

experience

Browsing
In Love

Precaution

6 Comments

When the heart is faced with pain the logical step we take is creating certain precautions that will prevent us from death. Not physical death but the death of our emotions. We take certain steps as a defence mechanism. But could these steps that we take be the cause of more anguish?

“Side chick! You are going to meet the side chick? What is wrong with you Michelle? Why would you stoop so low?” my best friend’s voice echoed from the phone.
“I don’t know honey. I love him and maybe I can get her to keep off. We have been together for one and a half years and he has always been supportive, plus I am pregnant for him. Isn’t it logical that my baby gets to have the father present?” I said with tears in my eyes.
” Speaking of pregnancies, have you told him you are pregnant yet or you are still buying time waiting for the dust to settle?” she asked. I could feel the concern in her voice.
” How can I tell him? The past few months ever since I lost my job have been really on edge for both of us. Plus the cheating scandals how can I? Yesterday night we were at each other’s necks and I’m sure he wanted to kill me at that moment. What I did was unacceptable. So it’s only reasonable if I wait for everything to cool off.” I said in a shaky voice
” I don’t know but I am not rooting for this at all. But if it will give you peace of mind, go ahead and keep me posted how it goes. I love you and take care,”.

 

I hanged up the phone, proceeded to shower and dressed up, and left the house. Yesterday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I took his phone, a trail of messages to another woman who he had sworn to love for eternity. The affair had gone on for three months approximately the same time frame I was getting over the loss of my father and my resignation from my job.

 

They were other flirty conversations with other women but this specific woman had won his heart. She cooked for him, made love to him and he financed her. Was I jealous? Yes, I was. This is the same man who had decided not to provide for me even the basic needs I needed due to lack of finances, he would shamelessly come and make love to me too after his encounter with this woman.

With his phone in my hand, I had a panic attack. If you are an asthmatic patient you know that this is the body’s response due to shock. I could not breathe and in my struggle, you woke up.
” My God Michelle, what are you doing with my phone,” you asked.
Your concern was about your bloody phone. Not even the fact that I would lose breath completely and you would be answerable. I managed to say a few words to you,” I hate you so much,”.
” What is all this nonsense, let me take you to hospital,” he cried.
” No, call my uncle I want nothing to do with you,” I retorted.

As expected my uncle was not in a position to come for me though he was a neighbour. He had a newborn and it was just sort of invading his space. So you took my phone called an uber and sat in the front seat and left me all alone in the back seat. My Uncle sent some money, I paid for the uber which you shamelessly sat on as if nothing was happening. I paid for my medical bill and we went home after I was stable. You woke up the next morning and Kissed me as you went to work.

I know you probably are thinking that I deserved this because I went snooping through his phone when he was asleep. But when you are in distress as a human being you can do anything to ease your distress. And when you are faced with something threatening your happiness, your whole existence you will do everything to salvage the situation.

 

For three months I had become Nancy Drew, collecting every evidence I could because I was in disbelief. I had sworn to love you for eternity. Before I raised my complaint I had to have the right evidence needed to pin you down. Hopping you would admit your transgressions, I would forgive you and we would raise our coming baby. Everything would be fine and I would love you even more for choosing me.

As I walked into the coffee shop, she was not hard to notice. She was Petite and so gorgeous. Like I suspected she was only 20 years old. A thought crossed my mind ” You can’t compete with this, you are a pig yourself, plus she is soo young plus a lot prettier than you”. I felt like running away but I was determined to save my family and save my man and put an end to his little adventure. I said hello and took my seat.

” So how did you two meet?” I asked.
With arrogance and confidence, she responded ” I had gone to bank money to the bank and he attended to me” she answered.

That bloody bastard! this is the same tactic he used to woo me till now I’m head over heels and pregnant for a good for nothing. Damn him. She narrated how the affair began and how she has been to my house severally and did not see me or traces of a woman’s presence in that house. Of course! how could there be evidence of a woman living in that house when he and his brother joined forces in hiding my things in the front balcony and the kitchen drawers whenever she visited. She even admitted to making love to him on my matrimonial bed.

Tears stung my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. As she continued to narrate to me everything how he visited her every evening as soon as he got off work at four pm, how he bought her expensive things and took him to meet her parents and friends. My God! This man was a snake and I sat there transfixed to my chair I wanted to vanish into thin air and never return. Bur I asked for this, I asked for this pain when I decided to meet my rival. I had been in anguish for three months, no sleep just thinking of what to do next.

A childhood friend visited me the other day and we wanted to start a boutique together. Look! I was trying my level best not to be a cabbage wife. I had some online jobs that brought money enough for me to buy some groceries and household essentials. I remember how my childhood friend said we were a lovely couple and she wished me happiness. But now here I am, fighting demons I am not aware of. My God, if this is what love is supposed to be then I don’t ever want to love. You see, I had never experienced the joys of being loved by a man till I met him. I wanted us to go back to that moment where we were first lovers, the only difference was his heart had left my heart and I had become the nagging and paranoid lover. I swear, I tried to ignore everything and cancel it out as paranoia but my gut just wouldn’t stop.

” Are you okay? you look so pale,” she said
At that moment I was zapped back into reality and gasped, “Yes, I am okay. Go on,”.
” Do you love him?” she asked me with a small voice.
” Yes, I love him. He is my rock and he is going to be an awesome baby daddy,” I said holding my stomach.

” You looked pregnant btw but I didn’t want to ask about it. You know what I think he is a selfish person. Why would he not tell me about you and lie that he is single? Michelle, I am very sorry. I am putting an end to this just because I don’t like drama. I am genuinely sorry,” she said. Sounds honest yes? But this woman kept on tormenting me till I had enough and left my home, back to my mother’s house.

That night I could not sleep. There was an excruciating pain that I never felt. More of period cramps but a heightened one. I cried myself to sleep and you came in at midnight and laid next to me.
“Michelle,” I heard you say, “I’m sorry, I love you,”
” Okay,” I said and slept.
I think you might have left early because you didn’t wake me up with a good day kiss like you always did. The pain had not subsided though I felt as though I was soaked with some wet substance. When I lifted the duvet…
” Oh no! My baby!”
I cleaned myself up and rushed to the hospital. My baby was no more.

I hated you so much in that instant. I went back to the house, packed my things called a cab, and went home.
As expected my mother received me with open arms. I was in so much pain and she saw my pain. She asked me what happened and all I said was ” I left him, mama! I left him!” and broke into tears.

The next six months were difficult. Back and forth texts from you and your mistress even after I had resulted not to text you I still found myself texting you, calling you entertaining you. But my heart and mind were in constant turmoil. I kept on asking myself if my baby deserved to die or did I unknowingly cause its death just because I inflicted so much stress on myself. In one of these phone call confrontations, you called me fat, and you said my only work was to eat and finish all the food in the house. Was this the reason why you chose her over me? Little did I know this was a trap that will lure me in and bring forth my penance.

Read More
By
In Love

Koito

2 Comments

The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favour from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

NLT

This is a traditional Kalenjin wedding ritual that involves the negotiation of the bride’s dowry. The bride and her family are in charge of all the expenses on this day because it is considered to be the bride’s day. They are two ceremonies in one, the first one is the bride negotiating the price which involves the elders from the bride and groom side together with their parents and other family representatives. For any woman, it is a divine joy to be given away to her husband by her parents in a ceremonious yet beautiful way.

My best friend and I had been planning for months about this day which was scheduled to be on the twenty-sixth day of December in Kapsabet. I have always been a country girl, I have to admit the number of times I have visited the countryside are countable. This made Mavis a bit sceptical if I would survive a whole week with her in the countryside. I had to travel a few days earlier before the planned date because she needed my help with some final preparations.

 

Mavis has been my best friend since 2014, more of my soulmate and human diary. We met at The Boma Hotel over a brunoise carrot cut and we became inseparable ever since. I had seen her grow from the time we met to this moment when she had decided to start this new path for herself. It had been a blessing being her partner throughout her journey and now she had to add another crucial partner to guide her too through her journey.

Everything was set for the long-anticipated day. We were in Eldoret town having lunch before we went to Kapsabet town. As victor and Mavis sat across me I could see how much they were in love. It’s funny how when you meet your right rib you all begin to portray similar characters. Victor was a man worth admiring, a few months after he and Mavis met he was sure that he wanted to spend his life with her. He didn’t hesitate to do things right and two years down the line they were both making it formal. They belonged to each other and I was one of the people rooting for this relationship even when things became thick. It then dawned on me the element both of them had is that they never gave up on each other when times got tough, they were extremely patient with and they tried their best to understand each other even when at times the best response was to fight each other. It had been a long day, we were doing final preparations for the next day which was the long-awaited celebration.

By the time we got to Kapsabet, the rain had subsided. It had rained heavily for the past few days and all we could do was hope that the clouds will not pour the next day, or till the ceremony was over and done with. There was so much excitement in the house. Mavis’s family embraced her and were proud of her that she had decided to take this life-changing step.

 

That night we ate tripes (matumbo) and I remember her aunties warning her against eating the tripes because it would rain heavily on her special day, this was more of superstition so we didn’t take the warning seriously. That night there was a heavy downpour that escalated to early the next morning. The village women woke up at 4 am all roads leading to Mavis’ home. They began to prepare the delicacies that would be eaten throughout the whole day. The event planner arrived very early but couldn’t do the proper setup of the home compound till the rains subsided. As expected, the area was a bit muddy, but the show had to go on no matter what.

Mavis and her maid of honour had two sets of clothes. One which was to be worn during the bride price negotiations and the other to be worn during the final ceremony. The Maid of honour played a very important role. She had to be someone who was completely conversant with Kalengin traditions and she was to act as a witness and sign a document once the bride price was agreed upon.

The bridal price negotiation began at around 11 am due to the heavy rains. A representative for Mavis’ family, Kimutai, welcomed Victor’s family and the negotiations began. Normally the number of people who would be allowed into the main house for the bridal negotiations would depend on the size of the house. In this scenario, Victor, his parents one of his uncles, one of his aunties, elders of the family, and his brother were allowed into the house to conduct the negotiations.

As soon as the necessary parties had settled in the living room, Kimutai cleared his throat and asked “What has brought you to this homestead?”

 

“Well! We were passing by and we saw a very healthy good looking cow that we would like to borrow?” Korir answered, he was the representative for Victor’s family. A formal introduction would then be done from both parties their family name, the clan they come from and the animal symbol they identify with.

” We have very beautiful women in this homestead. Given a chance to identify your woman, will you be able to identify her?” Kimutai asked.

” Yes I would,” Victor responded while he nodded his head, an illustration that he was here for serious business.

This question normally was addressed to the groom to ensure that he was content with the woman he chose to be his bride. Several women were paraded before him, each taking their turn, and as expected Victor declined all the women and settled to wait for his betrothed. Mavis was wearing a red kitenge dress with black detail and when she entered the room to be identified the room was filled with ululations.

Once Mavis was identified as “the one” she allowed her elders to proceed with the marriage negotiations and she was asked to stay in the room with us, her maids.

It was now the turn of the representative from Victor’s side to speak.

” We are willing to offer a cow which is brown in colour and its calf(this was a compulsory price), a young calf and a bull,” Korir said.

There was pin-drop silence in the room.

“We do not agree to these terms, do you want to be sent away without your bride?,” Kimutai asked. “You see in the Nandi community, the bride price is five cows, nothing less than that,”.

“Okay! We are willing to add one more cow. In total, we would have given you five cows. In addition to all these, the mother to the groom would also want to give a sheep to the bride’s mother,”

Kimutai looked at his people and they all nodded their heads with smiles on their faces.

“Yes, we now agree to these terms,” he said with a smile on his face. A timeline was agreed to when the livestock would be delivered to Mavis’ homestead.

After the price was agreed upon there was the giving of various gifts to symbolize that the negotiations were a great success. Mavis was then called back into the room, she and her beloved stood face to face with each other and she pinned a brooch on the left side of his shirt and he did the same to the dress she was wearing, this symbolized the deal between both parties had already been sealed and her maid of honour also signed the document. Mavis and her Maid of honour then retired back to the room where the rest of the maids were patiently waiting.

A set of cups and gourds were brought into the living room and each man who had participated in the negotiation was given a cup and a gourd. The first man to be gifted was Victor’s father and his uncles, his brother, and finally, the elders that accompanied his family. The women were then given liquid vegetable oil on plates and everyone who took part in the negotiation was served “Mursik”(their traditional signature drink). The Mursik was a symbolism that the ceremony can proceed to the next level. Victor’s Uncle began singing and Mavis was called to be paraded outside before the guests who had come for the ceremony as a sign that she had agreed to be married to her beloved. She was given some lesos and came back inside to prepare for the second part of the ceremony.

We all were ready for the second part of the ceremony. The bridesmaids stood in two lines with Mavis in the middle. She looked mesmerizing, her dress her make-up the finishing on her hair, every tiny detail about her was perfect. She looked a bit nervous but excited at the same time. If you want to know the essence of time ask a groom and a bride waiting to be united for life. We all danced alongside her together with most of the women from her village moving towards the tent which was allocated to us. It was muddy but none of us seemed to care, our friend, daughter, sister, a neighbour was getting married and this was the only important thing.

The ceremony then began with opening prayers from a preacher who sanctified and blessed the union. Relatives from both sides expressed their joy brought by this union. Each of them took time to give Mavis and victor reasonable advice that would guide them throughout their marriage. What caught my eye is the number of times both families gifted each other as a sign of love, acceptance, and appreciation. Victor’s folks gifted Mavis’ family with duvets and this was also reciprocated by Mavis’ family. The grandparents from both sides were given blankets, the groomsmen were given Maasai shukas and the maids were given lesos.

 

Another significant gift was the giving of attire to the bride. Mavis’ parents gave her two brand new dresses and a pair of new shoes. This was to symbolize they have sent her well in good health and raised her to be a responsible woman and Victor’s family should vow to maintain and keep her. Victor’s parents also gave her two pairs of clothes and a pair of shoes to signify that they have accepted the responsibility and have taken Mavis as their daughter.

The guests then stood in a circle with Mavis inside the circle. There was a lot of merry and dancing as people took their turn to shower the bride with all forms of gifts from money to household equipment. All these gifts were a sign of goodwill as she began a new life with her husband.

I am grateful that my best friend chose me to be a part of this important phase in her life. And I wish her all the best in her new union.

“Kweli ni raha kupenda na kupendwa!”

 

Read More
By
In Life

Unfaithful

No Comments

As I touched the doorknob to the front door and let myself into the house I was surprised to find the house pitch dark. This was a bit odd because I expected you or your brother here watching football or playing PlayStation which was your Sunday ritual. I was a bit on edge because of the quarrel we had earlier during the day. You kept on pestering me with calls while I was in church, only for you to demand that I should go back home later in the evening. You were having the guys over and didn’t want me around because you wanted to spend quality time with them. Rage consumed my heart because this was the fifth time we were having such an argument. You were ashamed of me it all made sense now.

When I got into the bedroom to change my attire to something more comfortable my closet was empty. This was rather strange because as I left in the morning my closet was well arranged. I decided to check your closet and noticed your clothes were still there. A silly thought crossed my mind that you were finally kicking me out and I lowkey prepared to accept it. We had been on a rollercoaster of emotions with each other and I figured this was your way of healing. As the main door opened I stood by the corridor to check who it was. Your brother had just come back from his regular evening walk. He had been staying with us for a couple of days before his classes resumed.

 

Something felt strange and weird, I just could not point my finger at what was amiss. Earlier that afternoon you had left me ten missed calls and when I called back, you told me not to come home immediately till late in the evening. Infuriated with this forced circumstance, I insisted that I would be home whenever I wanted. You said I wasn’t a good wife and I needed to learn how to respect your authority. But which husband puts his wife away from the house just because he is having his friends over?

But this wasn’t the first time this was happening. The previous weekend I had gone to visit a friend and you forced me to spend the night there. Reason being that your brother was bringing his girlfriend over and he needed space. You called me selfish and self-centred just because I was not comfortable with the fact that someone else would use our matrimonial bed for their own sexual urges. You did not care if you hurt me, all you wanted was to have your way. Why I let you embarrass me so much is still something I have no answer to, because to some extent love is not blind. My so-called wisdom made me ignore all the red flags because, how does someone leave their matrimonial home and the man whom they swore to love for eternity?

Suddenly, I became so angry because the thought of you bringing one of your proteges to our home in my absence sickened me. In my rage, I yelled at your brother coaxing him why he helped you hide my things. At first, he denied having a hand to it but when I mentioned how karma will play out he finally admitted that you brought a woman over. To add more salt to injury he said you spent time with her in our bedroom. My heart broke into two as I struggled to hold on to my composure. The last few days had been emotionally draining because of how distant you became and the miscarriage I endured early that week. I knew you had been unfaithful for a long time now but to do your business here in our home, with your brother present was the highest level of disrespect.

I shamefully searched around the house for my belongings and gathered them to arrange them. You had crossed the line by this action, this was pure madness. What kind of sane human being does this to a woman who takes care of him?. What hurts the most is the mental abuse you inflicted upon me, which made me more depressed than ever. I shut the bedroom door and did what I knew would help, broke down in tears asking God why this would happen to me. I had diligently honoured our vows, the vows you effortlessly managed to turn to empty words. They say during trying times your friends and family will be there to guide you through but my shame never allowed me to open my heart to anyone. I would be the laughing stock and furthermore, on Facebook, The Kilimani mums said I was the problem. I didn’t know how but a solution to get out of this situation had to be cultivated by the end of the. You were my life, you and the demons you brought revolved in my mind.

I silently sat in darkness playing candy crush and waited for you, my lover. My mind tried to phrase workable conversations of how this situation would be handled between us. What baffles me is that even after you had dragged and tarnished my name my stupid heart still beat for you. I should have known you were good for nothing but at that moment all I wanted was to make things right.

Immediately you got into the room you opened my closet, then you looked at me. We looked deep into each other’s eyes, I couldn’t tell if you saw the pain in my eyes but you knew that I knew what transpired.

I would be the laughing stock and furthermore, on Facebook, The Kilimani mums said I was the problem.

As expected we could not have a decent conversation, I lost my cool and didn’t care that your brother was listening in on us. The greatest mistake I did was loving you unconditionally because you never deserved it. You hid my things in the kitchen drawers and in the balcony as though I was a common squatter in our own apartment. Even as I expressed my frustration I could tell how irritated you were, none of this mattered to you. I was ruining your perfect day, the day that your mistress came to your house and you passionately made love to her on our matrimonial bed, how dare you?. You showed no remorse even after I mentioned I had a miscarriage, I stood like a clown before your eyes.

“Do you love her?” I asked with tears in my eyes. You looked at me for a moment then looked at the floor completely avoiding my gaze. My fears were confirmed when you said you loved us both but her more because she was working and had ambition while I was just a mere housewife. So all the online jobs that managed to place food on the table and even do some slight shopping were nothing to you. You looked down on all my efforts. Every single shilling I got for my online writing was directed mainly to the house, not once did I use that money on myself. Now all of a sudden you love Angela who has no idea how your morning breath smells like, how you get when you are sick, how you behave when you are frustrated. Angela who you had dated for three months was enough to shake the core of our marriage.

You pretended to get a call from your best friend who you told you will be going for a sleepover at his place. You played your cards wrongly because this trick was not new to me, you had done it severally and tonight was the night all your bad behaviours would come to an end. I might have seemed a little bit delusional but all I wanted was to prevent my husband from going to another woman’s house for the night.

Walking towards our bedroom door, I locked the door and placed the key in my brassiere. You threatened to take the key forcefully from me and I warned you not to touch me because I would create a scene. A lot of investments had been made into this union and I wouldn’t allow another woman to reap where I had sowed.

At around midnight I opened the door and retired to bed. You immediately grabbed your bag pack, packed a few items, and left. My efforts to keep you in the house failed miserably and this was enough evidence that I was fighting a lost battle, the stakes were not in my favour anymore. After twenty minutes you came back home and slept beside me. You held me, kissed me, and forced yourself on me as you constantly told me how sorry you were.

Read More
By
In Life

After

No Comments

As I got into the cab a feeling of great shame and guilt engulfed me, I had cheated on you. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I was faithful to you but society advocated it as healing for my bleeding heart. Every moment he caressed my body, kissed my lips, moaned in pleasure my mind thought of you. Cheating was something I would have never advocated for in my right state of mind but getting even with you was something I pondered about the past few days. Sometimes when you find yourself in a loveless relationship, you decide to look for ways to ease your pain.

All my friends told me to walk away from you because of how you treated me. You had suddenly turned into a manipulative, emotionally abusive, and disrespectful lover. Just the other day one of your side pieces came by the house looking for you. Of course, you denied everything and accused me of stirring up trouble because men like you never admit when they are caught red-handed. Men like you feed off the misery of women like me. You were my bully, taunting me with every chance you got.

When I walked into the house, you were seated on the couch and I wondered if you could sense my infidelity the way I sensed yours. The water glided on my skin washing away my infidelity and the deep sense of guilt and shame that lingered in my mind. Why was it hard to be like you, heartless in all your actions?. Society gratifies any man who commits adultery but is also the first to cast stone on any woman who commits the same. Double standards!

That weekend you had left home claiming that you were going to work then off for a team-building in the afternoon, you would be back on Sunday evening. You took me for a fool, I questioned and pleaded with you to be honest with me because no company organizes afternoon team buildings that will prolong throughout the entire weekend. Deep down I knew you lied to my face because you had planned to see one of your women. The thought of another woman pleasuring you made me sick, this was the incurable disease that inflicted me.

 

You held me that night, our bodies intertwined together, igniting a fire inside me. With every kiss, every thrust, every caress, this had to be the last time we would be like this. Tears mixed with heavy emotions fell from my eyes, and when you whispered you loved me, some tingly feeling settled in my heart. Your kiss that showered me all over made me feel alive and reborn was a similar kiss I shared with many. What a shame that your actions were not pure but full of malice and selfish desires.

When morning came my heart was unsettled, torn between leaving you and staying with you, the man who made my heart glow.

“God, give me clarity!” I repeated this prayer in my spirit for the next five minutes. Alas! as if the heavens were responding to my little prayer your phone beeped. Nancy sent you a message which confirmed my suspicions. This was not my first time contending with your infidelity. This was my awakening, a revival to steer me to my next endeavour. The laughter that would be confused to be that of a madwoman flowed out of my mouth.

Dear Lover,
I hope this finds you happy and alive, full of strength as you journey through life. Please forgive me for any form of unhappiness I caused, that made you constantly unfaithful. Now that we are no more, my prayer is that you may have happiness though sometimes(just sometimes)I wish thunder would strike you dead. The nights and days were hard at first because my body wasn’t designed to lay on its own without your embrace and my heart yearned for you, constantly calling your name.

 

Forgiveness is in the power of the forgiver not in the one who needs to be forgiven. I forgive you for all the emotional scars you caused, the low self-esteem you caused, the three years I constantly forgave you, and most of all for making me feel less human. Where you caused pain love will be my new hope. Thank you for being my confidant and for the few times you loved me.
Kind Regards,
The one you chose to forget.

Read More
By
In Life

The Phone Call

No Comments

As the phone rang, I looked at the caller ID and clicked the ignore button. A year had passed since I fled from your toxicity and this phone call was to lure me back. As silly as this might sound, it took a simple phone call for me to end up entangled with you between your sheets. There is always that person who knows you too well to know the right buttons to push using words. You were that person for me, my ultimate weakness.

The past couple of months were emotionally rough because I threw the towel on us. Your toxicity had become the core that dictated my moods and everything concerning me. Settling into a new job was not going that well considering the heartbreak, my mind was not at ease. Your absence made me sleepless with thoughts of what could have been if you just stayed loyal. My heart yearned for your touch and some nights, sleep seemed afar because I was so used to your wrapped hands around me, which made me sleep peacefully.

 

We had a dysfunctional kind of relationship whereby you were the perpetrator, the terror that shook my very core. The manipulative words, the lies, the mental bullying all made you in control. Sometimes I think you liked torturing me just to see me shed a tear under the mercy of your feet. Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter, and so is playing wife for a mare lover, wifely duties, and pleasures which leads to zero respect. Know more on, seat covers

One of the bravest decisions was fleeing from you for the very first time. At first, I didn’t want to because despite my jobless state you sheltered me, fed me to some extent clothed me. Ideally, we are all wired to remember changes that made us stronger and this change was really painful but worth it. With several suitcases, I rang the doorbell to my parents’ home, who welcomed me with open arms.

I was being unreasonable because it was the first time you cheated, how pathetic!

Their prodigal daughter came back home after years of hiding away due to fear and shame. You thought I was being unreasonable because it was the first time you cheated, how pathetic!. Your selfishness blinded you making your main concern centred on how I viewed your transgression. Your ego made you so distant that you didn’t notice how depression took residence in my life.

You knew my love for phone calls and took it upon yourself to call me daily, pleading in the name of your so-called love to make amends with me. The more you called the more my heart remained warm and soft to your charm. Sex is the mother of all good and bad patterns that will shape your life, this played out in my life. You had asked to see me over the weekend, and I knew what would happen, I wanted it to happen. Men are visual creatures and this was my driving motive for my attire selection. By the end of the meeting, I was intertwined with your body, forgave your transgressions, and became your mate again.

The heart can be so gullible and vulnerable when in love which leads to stupid decisions. A few months after our blissful reunion you went back to your old habits. As disrespectful as it was my heart thought you would change, and my love burned with the same flame. It’s a mystery to how the heart reasons because how do you stay in love with someone who tears you down every day? how do you kiss that person every morning without shuddering?. You vowed to change and talked me out of leaving you a couple of times. But words without actions are pointless, just uttering English into a blank space.

For the second and final time, I gathered my belongings and left. Honestly, my heart thought that we would work this out like we always do but destiny had something different in-store. The days turned to months, it dawned on me we were over. Women are known to pick themselves up faster in the event of heartbreak and I lived up to this. My life had to go on with or without you. Though I have to admit there is a void in my heart, thirst only you could quench. And here you are a year later, blowing up my phone, this was a phone call from hell.

” Hello! How are you?” you asked in a deep raspy voice
“I’m okay!” I responded
A moment of silence passed between us.
” If you are home please come by we talk as you pick some of the clothes you left behind,” you said in a soft voice which was very familiar to me
” I don’t need them, just burn them,” I hang up the phone.

It’s funny how just the sound of your voice was able to completely throw me off balance. For a split second, I longed for you, your touch.

Read More
By
In Life

The Ordeal

No Comments

The conversation around rape is one that has often received a lot of backlashes, especially with certain factions of the society aiming to normalize it. I pride myself in being of the school of thought that there exists no such thing, based solely on the premise that as long as there isn’t consent given to the other party to the act, then that act constitutes rape, period.

Over time we have witnessed masses, especially with the development of technology in the media realm trying to downplay this scenario, often laying blame on the lady, claiming that she was the one who seduced the perpetrator, luring Him/Her into committing the heinous act, or worse yet claiming that she is a liar. Enough with the sugarcoating, let us call a spade a spade. It is high time society learned to empathize with victims rather than taking an offensive stance with regards to this issue. There is so much wisdom in biting one’s tongue.

Given a chance to meet twenty-two-year-old me, I would embrace her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Pick her from the ground, dust her up and urge her to fight for her rights by reporting her perpetrator to the authorities. Advice her to block all the negative voices that made her feel like she deserved the misfortune because it was these very voices that taunted her in her sleep, causing nightmares accompanied by heavy sweating and screams. Sadly this scar will follow me for the rest of my life, and I will always have a certain fear associated with men.

As I reflect on the events of that day, my heart shudders at how naive and gullible I must have been. Mama had always warned me to stay woke of men who seemed too nice because they were constantly hunting for broken girls, assuring them of love and protection. As an adolescent, my hormones dictated most of my actions instead of my brain. Having a boyfriend who I could drool over and talk about with my mates was considered a rite of passage. For a long time, some part of me never blamed him for the atrocity he committed because everyone I sought comfort from found fault in me

 

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my work station.

Straight off from culinary school I landed an internship at one of the most prominent hotels here in Nairobi. Although negative rumours had gone round about how women were treated in this establishment, it didn’t occur to me that I would be one of these women who had heart-wrenching stories. On the day I met him a tingly feeling settled in my tummy which was brought about by the collision of our eyes.

The feeling must have been mutual because he sheepishly smiled at me making me fidget across the lobby to my workstation. From his uniform, I could tell that he wasn’t an ordinary kitchen staff but was from the housekeeping department.

 

My mind didn’t pick a signal that something might go wrong when he asked me to spend more time with him at his place. My foolish heart anticipated for this moment where we would be alone to our own words and thoughts without the glare of the outside world. The thought of our lips joining together or our hands intertwined for the first time caused a deep wave of ecstasy in me.

When we got to his house the first thing he did was lock the door and slid the keys into his pockets. He then carefully drew all the curtains in the room and turned on the stereo, some classic RnB burst out the speakers. He carefully poured me a glass of wine which got me a bit tipsy and comfortable with the atmosphere he created.

I remember becoming extra chatty than normal, giggling at every single thing he said. After a while, he then pulled me closer to him and planted a soft kiss on my lips. This being my first kiss, I shied off and shifted my gaze away from him.

With my face in his hands, his lips on my lips he gave me a deep kiss which was more intimate than the first one. He slowly began caressing my body which made me so hot and caused an erection for him. Everything happened so fast and in no time he didn’t have his trousers or boxers on which made me freet. I zapped myself back to reality and asked him to stop because I was on my period. With a wave of anger, he held my neck and choked me as he violently kissed me. When I attempted to scream he planted heavy blows on my mouth and his masculinity completely subdued me. The fact that I was on my period did not stop him because he constantly moaned and groaned in ecstasy.

My dignity was tainted making shame and guilt be the only emotions that radiated from my heart. With no one to talk to my thoughts became my prison, multiple anxiety attacks which caused mental paralysis. My healing was gradual because I chose to embrace my pain, love myself, and accept whatever happened.

No woman deserves to be humiliated and victimized because of rape. You will rise again despite the immense pain that will break you down and threaten your whole sanity. You will have social anxiety which will make you whimper whenever any form of physical touch is done. There will be days when you will cry your paper heart out till you feel lifeless. Some may not understand your emotional outburst, or may even judge your isolation. Your healing process might take longer than usual but you will heal.

 

Read More
By