As the bus left the NYS Camp a slight ray of excitement filled my heart. Ever since I joined the NYS camp my anticipation for this day, my first job placement had been building up. When my parents found out about the NYS program, they didn’t bother to ask whether I was interested in joining it or not, they decided for me. This exasperated me but growing up with strict African parents, you already knew that whatever they said or decided had to be done incontrovertibly. After staying for three years with a useless University degree and no job, this seemed like a solid strategy to me landing a well-paying job.

The NYS program was really hard and I loathed everything about it from the early mornings with tiresome exercise routines, the uniform we had to wear, and the fact that we were completely isolated from the outside world, apart from the days we went home. The fact that I didn’t have access to my phone for the early part of the program was depressing, imagine being confined with the same people, the same daily routine without even having a social media breather, mentally exhausting right?. For me, the rules that governed the NYS seemed needless, I was twenty-four why would I still need to operate as though I was in a boarding school. I finally got my phone back during the last lap of the program and this was because I got job placement at the JKIA. My parents and best friend were elated as much as I was, things were finally looking up for me.

As we got to the JKIA we were directed to a designated waiting area and advised to wait for the next directive. We waited in silence and as my anticipation for the day grew so did my glee, I intended to make a good first impression. In approximately thirty minutes the supervisor came and she directed us to our designated stations. By the time the bus came to pick us up in the evening to retire to the camp, I felt accomplished and could hardly wait for the next day.

Singlehood was a path I had chosen for four solid years after walking out of a very abusive relationship and was content with my emotional and mental state. My cousin had other plans for me, she decided to set me up with one of her friends who worked at JKIA too. George was quite an adonis but he was neither my type because he was a bit uncouth and rustic. He was completely clueless about how a lady was to be treated, this got me more disinterested. I urged myself to give him a chance even though I did not feel the same towards him.

Ben was the guy who kept on pestering me at work and didn’t take no for an answer. When we met at the hallways he would constantly say hello and tell me stories that didn’t make sense. With a blank stare on my face, I would unwillingly entertain him and wished that our encounter would end because he infuriated me. He took this courting to a higher notch where he would send my work-friends to bring me gifts like food and shoes just to lure me and constantly showing up at my workstation. I had made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he feared to give me the gifts personally because of my reaction. His fears were justified because, given the chance, I would love to shove him away and throw the gifts at his face.

As time passed by I got so comfortable and accustomed to his gifts and without noticing I developing a liking for him. My friends urged me to give him a chance because he knew how to treat a woman, was handsome and was everything George was not.

After a series of internal monologues, I decided to go on a date with Ben. Earlier during that week, I had filled in a leave-out sheet at the NYS camp with the reason being I had to see my optician. By Friday morning the Nys warden informed me that my request had been approved and I should be ready to leave by noon when my parents arrived. My glee couldn’t be contained and I texted Ben to tell him we would meet the next day for our planned date after I visit the optician.

I took longer than usual to prepare for my date because I wanted to look sensational and leave an impression that will linger in Ben’s mind. We met in the CBD at noon and went for lunch at the Big square. For the first time, I found myself enjoying his chattering and even laughed at some of his lame jokes. We then proceeded to Panari Hotel for skating which I had never done before. Fear took over me but he was there to encourage me to try out something new. By the end of the night as he drove me home a wave of calmness and peace radiated inside of me. As we got to my gate he leaned in and kissed my lips. My stomach became hot and some chills ran down my spine as he caressed my cheek, I felt complete. As I went into my room that night I went to eutopia as I smiled sheepishly reminiscing the day’s events.

I could not contain how I felt towards Ben, it was evident I was growing fond of him with each passing day. When He asked me to be his girlfriend I was elated and decided to end things with George. The news destroyed George especially when he found out that his successor would be his friend, Ben. In all honesty, when I accepted Ben’s proposal to be exclusive with him, I was not completely in love with him but I believed my love would grow gradually.

My hands trembled as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand, two red lines, I was pregnant. It had only been a month after I completed the NYS program and we had only dated for three months. How would we explain to our parents about this pregnancy?. His Parents were staunch Christians and his mother never advocated for fornication, she always wanted us to wait till marriage. On the other hand, my parents had so many dreams for me and this new situation meant that my life would take a different turn. Fate played a great role on the day we approached both our parents, they were a bit disappointed but expressed their support.

On one of our dates, I developed excruciating abdominal pain and you rushed me to the hospital. To our dismay, the hospital attendants expressed some laxity and completely ignored it. With hot tears flowing from my cheeks, my motherly instincts were awakened, all I could think of was the well-being of my baby. After an hour it was our turn to see the doctor and he conducted an ultrasound and a pap smear test. He suggested that I had a minor infection that will clear off and prescribed antibiotics. I was dissatisfied with his findings simply because of the poor services the facility had offered and my gut had always been right. You felt I was being paranoid and we agreed that I should take the medication and monitor my progress after a day or two.

When my condition became worse with assistance from our parents we decided to seek a second opinion. We visited a new gynaecologist who was very worried because one of my fallopian tubes contained cystic growth and the pap smear test I did at the other health facility did more harm than good. He advised that I was to be admitted to the medical facility but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable, actually I hated hospitals. He prescribed bed rest and my parents and siblings took it upon themselves to take care of me. A couple of days after we left the hospital was completely lifeless and my complexion had changed to yellow. My mother was so scared and took me to the gynaecologist we had met. On our way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat of the car in complete silence and tears flowing from my eyes my mother held my hand and tried to assure me that the baby will be fine.

It was too late, nothing could be done, our baby was no more. You came to the hospital as soon as you heard the news and held me in your arms:
” Baby, it’s going to be okay,” you said.
Having you at this moment gave me strength and for the next couple of days though my grief was heightened you were still there. When I lost our baby I felt like I died too but your love and support nursed me back to life.

After a couple of months, things began changing between us, you became notably reticent and pushed me away. We were in constant quarrels and on some days we wouldn’t even talk. This broke my heart because you were my happy ending and this didn’t seem like a happy ending, it was more of a nightmare. Then you broke up with me with the defence that you wanted to make a turnaround in your life and become a serious Christian like your parents. You alleged that we were sinning and if we don’t change we would go to hell, you even dared to criticize me and told me this relationship would only work if I changed my lifestyle and got saved, how judgemental.

I permitted you to have your way and picked my broken pieces and tried to move on. My heart ached for you, the nights became sleepless because all I could think of was you and your loving. Why was it so easy for you to let me go and forget what we had?. But then you realized you made a mistake and began pursuing me pleading with me to forgive you. My heart was glad, I choose to let bygones be bygones and accepted you back because I needed you.

Every time I came over to your house for a sleepover you were constantly on your phone, constantly on the lookout as though you were hiding something and numerous passwords for everything, which made me get more suspicious. Your neighbour was very attractive and I noticed you had developed a habit of hanging out with her behind closed doors of her house even when I was present. You would post her on your WhatsApp status and indicated she was the reason for your living. Was I insecure? Yes, I was extremely insecure, this woman was getting everything I once had and what I needed, your attention.

One day you left me alone in the house and I decided to do the general cleaning of the house. I began to find women’s items that did not belong to me in our bedroom. My heart shuddered with fear and distress, I had lost you I really had. But I convinced myself I would not leave you unless you told me to because I could not imagine life without you. With a heavy heart, I gathered all the items I had found and placed them on the table and I prepared myself to get my answers and clarity from you. As expected you came home really late and I was on the couch watching TV. I asked you if we could talk and I began to coax you about the items I found.

The conversation took a different curve, it turned into a heated argument and I began to cry, asking you to take me home. You took my cellphone and locked me inside the house because you didn’t want me to leave. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I developed an anxiety attack. I banged the door with my fists and pleaded with you to let me out for some air but you completely ignored me. After an hour you came back and apologized for everything. It’s funny how my brain had a perfect image of how this week would turn out, we would rekindle our love but look at how it turned out.

When I went back home I had a recollection with myself and came to a realization that I deserved better, not you. You had caused me so much pain in the past few months, I could hardly smile. You had become too toxic for my sanity, something had to give way for me to regain my happiness. I deleted your number and every tangible memory of you on my phone, you now became a distant memory. But you wouldn’t let me be, you would constantly call and text and I ignored you till the day you showed up at my home. The only decent thing I could do is give you a listening ear because I wanted to put an end to this aberration. To date, I don’t know what to make of what you told me.

You explained a few months before we met you stole a huge sum of money from your auntie who had been cruel to you. The money is what made you buy not one but two cars and it sustained your lavish lifestyle. You firmly believed she planted a curse on you which was the reason we lost our baby and the sole reason for every anguish in your life. You admitted that this was the reason you broke up with me the first time because you wanted to keep me safe from the curse.

That night as you walked out the door something walked out of me as well. This was the end I had spent preparing for the last couple of days.