When the heart is faced with pain the logical step we take is creating certain precautions that will prevent us from death. Not physical death but the death of our emotions. We take certain steps as a defence mechanism. But could these steps that we take be the cause of more anguish?

“Side chick! You are going to meet the side chick? What is wrong with you Michelle? Why would you stoop so low?” my best friend’s voice echoed from the phone.
“I don’t know honey. I love him and maybe I can get her to keep off. We have been together for one and a half years and he has always been supportive, plus I am pregnant for him. Isn’t it logical that my baby gets to have the father present?” I said with tears in my eyes.
” Speaking of pregnancies, have you told him you are pregnant yet or you are still buying time waiting for the dust to settle?” she asked. I could feel the concern in her voice.
” How can I tell him? The past few months ever since I lost my job have been really on edge for both of us. Plus the cheating scandals how can I? Yesterday night we were at each other’s necks and I’m sure he wanted to kill me at that moment. What I did was unacceptable. So it’s only reasonable if I wait for everything to cool off.” I said in a shaky voice
” I don’t know but I am not rooting for this at all. But if it will give you peace of mind, go ahead and keep me posted how it goes. I love you and take care,”.

I hanged up the phone, proceeded to shower and dressed up, and left the house. Yesterday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I took his phone, a trail of messages to another woman who he had sworn to love for eternity. The affair had gone on for three months approximately the same time frame I was getting over the loss of my father and my resignation from my job.

They were other flirty conversations with other women but this specific woman had won his heart. She cooked for him, made love to him and he financed her. Was I jealous? Yes, I was. This is the same man who had decided not to provide for me even the basic needs I needed due to lack of finances, he would shamelessly come and make love to me too after his encounter with this woman.

With his phone in my hand, I had a panic attack. If you are an asthmatic patient you know that this is the body’s response due to shock. I could not breathe and in my struggle, you woke up.
” My God Michelle, what are you doing with my phone,” you asked.
Your concern was about your bloody phone. Not even the fact that I would lose breath completely and you would be answerable. I managed to say a few words to you,” I hate you so much,”.
” What is all this nonsense, let me take you to hospital,” he cried.
” No, call my uncle I want nothing to do with you,” I retorted.

As expected my uncle was not in a position to come for me though he was a neighbour. He had a newborn and it was just sort of invading his space. So you took my phone called an uber and sat in the front seat and left me all alone in the back seat. My Uncle sent some money, I paid for the uber which you shamelessly sat on as if nothing was happening. I paid for my medical bill and we went home after I was stable. You woke up the next morning and Kissed me as you went to work.

I know you probably are thinking that I deserved this because I went snooping through his phone when he was asleep. But when you are in distress as a human being you can do anything to ease your distress. And when you are faced with something threatening your happiness, your whole existence you will do everything to salvage the situation.

For three months I had become Nancy Drew, collecting every evidence I could because I was in disbelief. I had sworn to love you for eternity. Before I raised my complaint I had to have the right evidence needed to pin you down. Hopping you would admit your transgressions, I would forgive you and we would raise our coming baby. Everything would be fine and I would love you even more for choosing me.

As I walked into the coffee shop, she was not hard to notice. She was Petite and so gorgeous. Like I suspected she was only 20 years old. A thought crossed my mind ” You can’t compete with this, you are a pig yourself, plus she is soo young plus a lot prettier than you”. I felt like running away but I was determined to save my family and save my man and put an end to his little adventure. I said hello and took my seat.

” So how did you two meet?” I asked.
With arrogance and confidence, she responded ” I had gone to bank money to the bank and he attended to me” she answered.

That bloody bastard! this is the same tactic he used to woo me till now I’m head over heels and pregnant for a good for nothing. Damn him. She narrated how the affair began and how she has been to my house severally and did not see me or traces of a woman’s presence in that house. Of course! how could there be evidence of a woman living in that house when he and his brother joined forces in hiding my things in the front balcony and the kitchen drawers whenever she visited. She even admitted to making love to him on my matrimonial bed.

Tears stung my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. As she continued to narrate to me everything how he visited her every evening as soon as he got off work at four pm, how he bought her expensive things and took him to meet her parents and friends. My God! This man was a snake and I sat there transfixed to my chair I wanted to vanish into thin air and never return. Bur I asked for this, I asked for this pain when I decided to meet my rival. I had been in anguish for three months, no sleep just thinking of what to do next.

A childhood friend visited me the other day and we wanted to start a boutique together. Look! I was trying my level best not to be a cabbage wife. I had some online jobs that brought money enough for me to buy some groceries and household essentials. I remember how my childhood friend said we were a lovely couple and she wished me happiness. But now here I am, fighting demons I am not aware of. My God, if this is what love is supposed to be then I don’t ever want to love. You see, I had never experienced the joys of being loved by a man till I met him. I wanted us to go back to that moment where we were first lovers, the only difference was his heart had left my heart and I had become the nagging and paranoid lover. I swear, I tried to ignore everything and cancel it out as paranoia but my gut just wouldn’t stop.

” Are you okay? you look so pale,” she said
At that moment I was zapped back into reality and gasped, “Yes, I am okay. Go on,”.
” Do you love him?” she asked me with a small voice.
” Yes, I love him. He is my rock and he is going to be an awesome baby daddy,” I said holding my stomach.

” You looked pregnant btw but I didn’t want to ask about it. You know what I think he is a selfish person. Why would he not tell me about you and lie that he is single? Michelle, I am very sorry. I am putting an end to this just because I don’t like drama. I am genuinely sorry,” she said. Sounds honest yes? But this woman kept on tormenting me till I had enough and left my home, back to my mother’s house.

That night I could not sleep. There was an excruciating pain that I never felt. More of period cramps but a heightened one. I cried myself to sleep and you came in at midnight and laid next to me.
“Michelle,” I heard you say, “I’m sorry, I love you,”
” Okay,” I said and slept.
I think you might have left early because you didn’t wake me up with a good day kiss like you always did. The pain had not subsided though I felt as though I was soaked with some wet substance. When I lifted the duvet…
” Oh no! My baby!”
I cleaned myself up and rushed to the hospital. My baby was no more.

I hated you so much in that instant. I went back to the house, packed my things called a cab, and went home.
As expected my mother received me with open arms. I was in so much pain and she saw my pain. She asked me what happened and all I said was ” I left him, mama! I left him!” and broke into tears.

The next six months were difficult. Back and forth texts from you and your mistress even after I had resulted not to text you I still found myself texting you, calling you entertaining you. But my heart and mind were in constant turmoil. I kept on asking myself if my baby deserved to die or did I unknowingly cause its death just because I inflicted so much stress on myself. In one of these phone call confrontations, you called me fat, and you said my only work was to eat and finish all the food in the house. Was this the reason why you chose her over me? Little did I know this was a trap that will lure me in and bring forth my penance.