We’ve all been told this “trust your gut, listen to your instincts” I guess in a way it’s your subconscious telling you something is not quite right or not where it should be. But what do you do when you are faced with a difficult choice, between trusting your gut and trusting your love?. Well, the answer is simple and extremely difficult to accept but always trust your gut.
Life in college was perfect, the best life I could have wished for, not because I was getting A’s(Lord knows I was at the very best a B student) and not because I had amazing friends who we just mainly goofed around and played FIFA but because I got to see you every day. You were my only reason, for waking up early in the morning and taking that bus to school (God knows am not a morning person), everything I did was for you. You made my life bearable and added flavour to it. My muse, my love, all I wanted was you being in love with me as much as I loved you.
We weren’t in the same class, not even in the same faculty but when I shifted campuses you followed me because we had grown inseparable. Everything was perfect between us, and I loved how I discovered something new about you every day. I made it my aim to make time for you so as to get to know and understand you. We would see each other in the early mornings before either of us got to their first class, during lunch hour and we would sit together and eat the lunch I had prepared for you the previous night then finally after classes, we would take the bus home together.
Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all.
Normally the rides home were my daily highlight. I anticipated them every single day because then I would get to hold your hand and kiss you. Get lost in you and the perfect moment we created, you had such a great effect on me, my love. As I walked you home we would laugh along the way, holding each other’s hands and when we got to your gate I would lean in for a kiss. If there’s anything that stuck to my mind throughout the years was the taste of your lips, your kisses were perfect, made me feel alive.
A month after our final exams things shifted, you became distant because of a fight we had. My gut kept on telling me that something was wrong but I chose to suppress those feelings by telling myself I was paranoid. We fought again the previous day and all I wanted was to see you, talk about it and assure myself that I still haven’t lost you. You showed up later than usual and didn’t seem bothered by the fight.
I decided to take your approach and assumed it to be nothing to worry about. You became more distant than ever and for a whole week, my mind was in a constant dilemma. As expected I reached out to you but you pushed me away saying you wanted to be alone. I missed you terribly and at this point, there was nothing I could do about it, but you didn’t miss me all you wanted was to be alone.
I paced up and down my room as I mastered the courage to call you and find out how you were doing and maybe fix whatever was broken. You bluntly said you were breaking up with me. These words stung through my heart. I kept on recking my brain asking myself where and what I did wrong. Didn’t I love you right? was this our goodbye?. My head was spinning with a lot of questions only you had answers to. Closure! I needed closure because you said you loved me. You agreed to come over and explain things to me, and weirdly I thought I could get you to change your mind. You know, take me back maybe.
“I just can’t do this anymore. Kevin is my boyfriend now and I just came to set things straight. It’s over, you need to move on, ” you said to my face with no remorse at all. Kevin was the guy you met on the bus after our last fight, the day you decided to take the bus alone without me. At that moment a wave of anger filled my mind and all I could think of was how soon you moved on. Was all this a joke to you? , the promises we shared, were they all nothing? I hated Kevin because he ruined us and our perfect life. He was older, taller, and richer than me, he would take you for expensive dates. I found him to be ugly and a show-off but my thoughts didn’t matter, I guess the good outweighed the bad right?
I remember breaking down in tears hoping that my tears would move you, as my weakness showed I cursed myself because men were not supposed to cry over women. But you weren’t just any woman, you were the one meant for me and you had just decided to crush my world cause of Kevin. With swollen eyes, I threw up on the floor because I did not have the strength to move about and go to the bathroom. Pathetic?
I guess because you stood up and left the house. As I lay there on the floor all I could think of was my life fleeting away because how could I live without you? my sunshine. By the time I zapped myself back to reality, it was 9 pm. My whole body was numb and the only thing I could think of was how much I loved you, how you made a mistake. I let the tears flow freely because no matter how much I loved you, you would never come back to me. You caused these tears, you caused this pain, you caused this dysfunctionality.
After a week I finally got the strength and confidence to leave the house. It was about time I went back to my normal routine because I had to get by, at least till the end of the semester. It was hard adjusting to everything, and constantly seeing you with Kevin didn’t make things easier. My heart failed me on various occasions because it longed for you and missed you terribly. On most days thoughts of you flooded my mind which brought a great wave of loneliness. You looked happier you know, even dressed differently and it was like I was the one holding you back, you were moving on and I still lived in the illusion that you would come back. My academics were a mess and could barely concentrate in class until I began getting low grades this became a reality check for me.
I had to wake up from this illusion that had become my day-to-day life, a nightmare I had created for myself because I did not want to live without you. It was time I became intentional about putting myself first. Ideally, I could not erase the memories, the feelings but I had to start somewhere, right? My phone had a lot of memories of you from pictures, messages, and even voice notes, this was where I would start, delete everything and begin afresh. This was the hardest but I wouldn’t back down, I wouldn’t allow myself to drown because of a woman who broke my heart. I was determined to forget you.
Three months later, I saw you and you looked different. You had added some weight and the rumours were right. You were pregnant for Kevin. And this was the final blow for me. My heart broke into a million pieces. But it was fine, you were doing you and I had to do me. I lost you forever to Kevin and for the sake of my sanity, I had to be okay, okay with the fact that he had your loving and I didn’t. That baby you were carrying bounded both of you for life.
Five years after you left and the pain is fresher than ever. I admit in my idle moments I do think of you. Are you okay? Is Kevin taking care of you as you deserve?. On other days I can’t resist checking your social media and Facebook tells me you had a daughter and you’re still with Kevin. At times I wish I could just see you physically, even if it’s through a glimpse I would be satisfied.
Maybe my heart still aches for you but at this moment I acknowledge that I have never forgotten you. Maybe I was not meant for you but still, I choose to always love you. You are the one that got away and I guess life is that cruel.
Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all. Contrary to this, men are very vulnerable and extremely sensitive. They break, drown in sorrow and hold their tongue when faced with emotional issues because that is what society has portrayed them to be. “Suffer in silence, never let them see you cry like a woman, be tough”, are some of the statements that are repeated to them constantly, thus the depression rate is higher in men higher than in women.
