Notes By Middii
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Michelle Middii

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In Love

Falling

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Today ill wear that LBD dress that flaunts my curves and I don’t care what anyone thinks, ill wear it for you. I’ll do my make-up right, make my hair and the icing of the cake will be You noticing me. I’ll put on my perfume so that just in case you hug me the scent will be all over you, marking my territory.

The first few days and months of falling in love are such bliss. The endless phone calls, corny texts, the butterflies, the steamy make-outs, and most important the moments you get to spend with each other. I was always told that love at first sight never existed, I guess I proved that theory wrong.

On this particular day, I went to your workstation with one intent, for you to notice me. As I walked into the bank I could tell I drew your attention because I could feel how your eyes were on me. I filled in the cash deposit form and stood in the queue. It was a probability that I would land on your counter for you to serve me so that I could be next to you.

It had been a month of gestures with no actual words between us. And I swear from the moment I laid my eyes on you I felt something shift. It might have been my heart leaping in joy, my brain trying to analyze you, or my ovaries wanting to have babies for you. Did it matter, hell no! Because it was you.

We had gone through this with my best friend. I would go to your counter and actually talk to you. Smile sheepishly if necessary so as to get your attention. The main reason I was in this LBD was for you to see how beautifully endowed I was. I will not mess this up given the chance and just in case you don’t get to attend to me, I would try again tomorrow. Five minutes of your time was enough. Women are the most conniving creatures on this earth, and I am not apologetic about it.

By luck or fate I landed on your counter and when you said “hello” I was left in awe. We talked for a while, you even made me smile. As I walked back to my office, I couldn’t help but allow your voice to ring constantly in my head, your smile, your eyes… everything about you was perfect. I thought I was the only one playing this game till one night after I got home I got a call. Guess who, yes you, my man. Funny enough I didn’t care to know how you got my number. I was elated.

Don’t get me wrong. We all know in this digital era of courting when you are mesmerized by someone the final stage is getting their number so that you get to know them on a more intimate and personal level. Send them cheeky texts to gauge their reaction and just feel more butterflies and just feel.

Something felt right and as I gradually became yours I felt alive with every moment. Everything fit perfectly.

Falling in love doesn’t have to be scary and there is no formula of how you will fall in love. The beauty of love is that it happens in the most unexpected places with the most unexpected person. But when you meet them you will know it’s them, your heart will know.

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In Love

Precaution

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When the heart is faced with pain the logical step we take is creating certain precautions that will prevent us from death. Not physical death but the death of our emotions. We take certain steps as a defence mechanism. But could these steps that we take be the cause of more anguish?

“Side chick! You are going to meet the side chick? What is wrong with you Michelle? Why would you stoop so low?” my best friend’s voice echoed from the phone.
“I don’t know honey. I love him and maybe I can get her to keep off. We have been together for one and a half years and he has always been supportive, plus I am pregnant for him. Isn’t it logical that my baby gets to have the father present?” I said with tears in my eyes.
” Speaking of pregnancies, have you told him you are pregnant yet or you are still buying time waiting for the dust to settle?” she asked. I could feel the concern in her voice.
” How can I tell him? The past few months ever since I lost my job have been really on edge for both of us. Plus the cheating scandals how can I? Yesterday night we were at each other’s necks and I’m sure he wanted to kill me at that moment. What I did was unacceptable. So it’s only reasonable if I wait for everything to cool off.” I said in a shaky voice
” I don’t know but I am not rooting for this at all. But if it will give you peace of mind, go ahead and keep me posted how it goes. I love you and take care,”.

 

I hanged up the phone, proceeded to shower and dressed up, and left the house. Yesterday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I took his phone, a trail of messages to another woman who he had sworn to love for eternity. The affair had gone on for three months approximately the same time frame I was getting over the loss of my father and my resignation from my job.

 

They were other flirty conversations with other women but this specific woman had won his heart. She cooked for him, made love to him and he financed her. Was I jealous? Yes, I was. This is the same man who had decided not to provide for me even the basic needs I needed due to lack of finances, he would shamelessly come and make love to me too after his encounter with this woman.

With his phone in my hand, I had a panic attack. If you are an asthmatic patient you know that this is the body’s response due to shock. I could not breathe and in my struggle, you woke up.
” My God Michelle, what are you doing with my phone,” you asked.
Your concern was about your bloody phone. Not even the fact that I would lose breath completely and you would be answerable. I managed to say a few words to you,” I hate you so much,”.
” What is all this nonsense, let me take you to hospital,” he cried.
” No, call my uncle I want nothing to do with you,” I retorted.

As expected my uncle was not in a position to come for me though he was a neighbour. He had a newborn and it was just sort of invading his space. So you took my phone called an uber and sat in the front seat and left me all alone in the back seat. My Uncle sent some money, I paid for the uber which you shamelessly sat on as if nothing was happening. I paid for my medical bill and we went home after I was stable. You woke up the next morning and Kissed me as you went to work.

I know you probably are thinking that I deserved this because I went snooping through his phone when he was asleep. But when you are in distress as a human being you can do anything to ease your distress. And when you are faced with something threatening your happiness, your whole existence you will do everything to salvage the situation.

 

For three months I had become Nancy Drew, collecting every evidence I could because I was in disbelief. I had sworn to love you for eternity. Before I raised my complaint I had to have the right evidence needed to pin you down. Hopping you would admit your transgressions, I would forgive you and we would raise our coming baby. Everything would be fine and I would love you even more for choosing me.

As I walked into the coffee shop, she was not hard to notice. She was Petite and so gorgeous. Like I suspected she was only 20 years old. A thought crossed my mind ” You can’t compete with this, you are a pig yourself, plus she is soo young plus a lot prettier than you”. I felt like running away but I was determined to save my family and save my man and put an end to his little adventure. I said hello and took my seat.

” So how did you two meet?” I asked.
With arrogance and confidence, she responded ” I had gone to bank money to the bank and he attended to me” she answered.

That bloody bastard! this is the same tactic he used to woo me till now I’m head over heels and pregnant for a good for nothing. Damn him. She narrated how the affair began and how she has been to my house severally and did not see me or traces of a woman’s presence in that house. Of course! how could there be evidence of a woman living in that house when he and his brother joined forces in hiding my things in the front balcony and the kitchen drawers whenever she visited. She even admitted to making love to him on my matrimonial bed.

Tears stung my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. As she continued to narrate to me everything how he visited her every evening as soon as he got off work at four pm, how he bought her expensive things and took him to meet her parents and friends. My God! This man was a snake and I sat there transfixed to my chair I wanted to vanish into thin air and never return. Bur I asked for this, I asked for this pain when I decided to meet my rival. I had been in anguish for three months, no sleep just thinking of what to do next.

A childhood friend visited me the other day and we wanted to start a boutique together. Look! I was trying my level best not to be a cabbage wife. I had some online jobs that brought money enough for me to buy some groceries and household essentials. I remember how my childhood friend said we were a lovely couple and she wished me happiness. But now here I am, fighting demons I am not aware of. My God, if this is what love is supposed to be then I don’t ever want to love. You see, I had never experienced the joys of being loved by a man till I met him. I wanted us to go back to that moment where we were first lovers, the only difference was his heart had left my heart and I had become the nagging and paranoid lover. I swear, I tried to ignore everything and cancel it out as paranoia but my gut just wouldn’t stop.

” Are you okay? you look so pale,” she said
At that moment I was zapped back into reality and gasped, “Yes, I am okay. Go on,”.
” Do you love him?” she asked me with a small voice.
” Yes, I love him. He is my rock and he is going to be an awesome baby daddy,” I said holding my stomach.

” You looked pregnant btw but I didn’t want to ask about it. You know what I think he is a selfish person. Why would he not tell me about you and lie that he is single? Michelle, I am very sorry. I am putting an end to this just because I don’t like drama. I am genuinely sorry,” she said. Sounds honest yes? But this woman kept on tormenting me till I had enough and left my home, back to my mother’s house.

That night I could not sleep. There was an excruciating pain that I never felt. More of period cramps but a heightened one. I cried myself to sleep and you came in at midnight and laid next to me.
“Michelle,” I heard you say, “I’m sorry, I love you,”
” Okay,” I said and slept.
I think you might have left early because you didn’t wake me up with a good day kiss like you always did. The pain had not subsided though I felt as though I was soaked with some wet substance. When I lifted the duvet…
” Oh no! My baby!”
I cleaned myself up and rushed to the hospital. My baby was no more.

I hated you so much in that instant. I went back to the house, packed my things called a cab, and went home.
As expected my mother received me with open arms. I was in so much pain and she saw my pain. She asked me what happened and all I said was ” I left him, mama! I left him!” and broke into tears.

The next six months were difficult. Back and forth texts from you and your mistress even after I had resulted not to text you I still found myself texting you, calling you entertaining you. But my heart and mind were in constant turmoil. I kept on asking myself if my baby deserved to die or did I unknowingly cause its death just because I inflicted so much stress on myself. In one of these phone call confrontations, you called me fat, and you said my only work was to eat and finish all the food in the house. Was this the reason why you chose her over me? Little did I know this was a trap that will lure me in and bring forth my penance.

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In Love

Kiss

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A kiss is the greatest form of affection that can numb you altogether. It can make you feel alive, calm you down while you are in a state of panic, or give you some form of jittery feelings. In a scenario of first-time kisses, it is mostly used as an “I want you” gesture. It is beautiful how a kiss that is pure without any sexual intent can make you feel. I once experienced this and I still consider this as one of my best kisses of time, not that the others were shitty or anything, but this one just stood out

I had just joined culinary school fresh from high school. And my mom was pretty much the ” stay away from boys” advocate and I couldn’t blame her, she was only doing her job as a parent. But I had other plans in mind. All my life I had heard the slogan,” study first, boys latter” and it honestly didn’t make sense at this point in my life. Why? I was eighteen, I had my ID and this fact made me feel that I could make any decision I damn well pleased, replications later or as we normally say “kesi baadaye”.

I joined college during the WhatsApp era. At this point in time, WhatsApp was the in thing all the cool kids used. You would find yourself in groups where you don’t know anyone and join the conversation. What a good way of meeting strangers, I was very shy back then and found it very convenient. That’s where I met the kisser, the kisser that sealed my lips with a kiss that awoke every part of me.

He slid into the DM. And the conversations were something to anticipate for. I would stay up all night talking to him and in my mornings it was all him. At some point, I got distracted in class just because I was talking to him. Was I in love? Is this how love felt?

I had never had a boyfriend before so I couldn’t quite tell if what I felt was real. But he made me feel alive. We had shared pictures and I liked how he looked. Tall, slim in body size, wore glasses like me (I always thought of us as the dorky couple) and he lived a few blocks from where I stayed. He was perfect. But I wouldn’t make my move because I was told the man is supposed to make all the moves, my work was just being pretty and make myself irresistible.

” Can you come over for a date over the weekend?” the text read.
I read it over and over again to let those words sink in. I would actually be going on a date for the first time.
“Yes! I would really love this.”I responded. This was on a Friday and I couldn’t wait for Sunday at noon to go see this man who had captured my heart with just words. Lol at the back of my mind I thought we would talk about books, movies, and music so I didn’t mind. A typical way of starting off our first date on a good note.

My best friend has always influenced most of the decisions I made. She is three years older than me and has played a great role in my life. So for this first date, I consulted her and she gave me guidance. Being my first date I wouldn’t want to ruin it, I wanted everything to go as I expected. We would watch a movie, eat the food he prepared, talk about books and music then he would walk me home. Plus I trusted him enough to go to his house for this date, he was my friend. The main aim of the date was for us to meet physically.

“Breathe in! Breathe out! you’ve got this., “I told myself.
” Hello, could you please come to get me? I’m here at the bus stop like we agreed,” I said through the phone.
“Okay! I’m on my way,” he said.
I have this habit of pretending to scroll through my phone as I am waiting to meet someone but secretly look around to see if I can spot them. Why? Because my face lights up with so much joy when I see them and I find it sort of embarrassing. Like seriously, I can have a banana plastered smile on my face just to see my friends, even though it’s the third time imI’meeting you in a row.

I think he noticed I was a bit shy so immediately after he hugged me, he held my hand as we walked. That calmed my nerves a little and I got a bit comfortable. I liked his laughter and without his glasses, he had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen to date, milky big white eyes and once you looked inside them you felt safe. We watched some movies then we drifted and just began talking. I played my head on his thighs and he caressed my hair. This was the most beautiful feeling. It was such an innocent gesture of affection and I loved how I felt at that moment.

He asked me to take my glasses off and close my eyes because he wanted to see my eyeshadow clearly. I had some deep purple eyeshadow that I really loved. My hand in his hand, I felt him bend his neck and he planted a kiss on my lips. At this moment there were flames of love and ecstasy and my stomach suddenly became hot. Nothing else mattered, just him and I, we could take over the world now. In a wave of emotions, I opened my mouth and kissed him back too. His lips were soft tasted like strawberries and I remember I wanted to feel him more and more. He gently caressed my cheek and as if sensing I wanted more, he didn’t stop, kept at it till we were both zapped back to reality.

 

“I know it’s not going to be easy….,” he said in a shaky voice. I could feel the nervousness, ” …but I want to be with you. Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked
I sat upright and looked him in his eyes, “Yes I will be your girlfriend,” in another wave of emotion I pulled him nearer, and this time I kissed him more passionately.
As he walked me home that night, his hand in mine I felt like the only girl in the world, his only girl for the record.
What happened after the kiss? that’s a story for another day.

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In Love

Koito

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The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favour from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

NLT

This is a traditional Kalenjin wedding ritual that involves the negotiation of the bride’s dowry. The bride and her family are in charge of all the expenses on this day because it is considered to be the bride’s day. They are two ceremonies in one, the first one is the bride negotiating the price which involves the elders from the bride and groom side together with their parents and other family representatives. For any woman, it is a divine joy to be given away to her husband by her parents in a ceremonious yet beautiful way.

My best friend and I had been planning for months about this day which was scheduled to be on the twenty-sixth day of December in Kapsabet. I have always been a country girl, I have to admit the number of times I have visited the countryside are countable. This made Mavis a bit sceptical if I would survive a whole week with her in the countryside. I had to travel a few days earlier before the planned date because she needed my help with some final preparations.

 

Mavis has been my best friend since 2014, more of my soulmate and human diary. We met at The Boma Hotel over a brunoise carrot cut and we became inseparable ever since. I had seen her grow from the time we met to this moment when she had decided to start this new path for herself. It had been a blessing being her partner throughout her journey and now she had to add another crucial partner to guide her too through her journey.

Everything was set for the long-anticipated day. We were in Eldoret town having lunch before we went to Kapsabet town. As victor and Mavis sat across me I could see how much they were in love. It’s funny how when you meet your right rib you all begin to portray similar characters. Victor was a man worth admiring, a few months after he and Mavis met he was sure that he wanted to spend his life with her. He didn’t hesitate to do things right and two years down the line they were both making it formal. They belonged to each other and I was one of the people rooting for this relationship even when things became thick. It then dawned on me the element both of them had is that they never gave up on each other when times got tough, they were extremely patient with and they tried their best to understand each other even when at times the best response was to fight each other. It had been a long day, we were doing final preparations for the next day which was the long-awaited celebration.

By the time we got to Kapsabet, the rain had subsided. It had rained heavily for the past few days and all we could do was hope that the clouds will not pour the next day, or till the ceremony was over and done with. There was so much excitement in the house. Mavis’s family embraced her and were proud of her that she had decided to take this life-changing step.

 

That night we ate tripes (matumbo) and I remember her aunties warning her against eating the tripes because it would rain heavily on her special day, this was more of superstition so we didn’t take the warning seriously. That night there was a heavy downpour that escalated to early the next morning. The village women woke up at 4 am all roads leading to Mavis’ home. They began to prepare the delicacies that would be eaten throughout the whole day. The event planner arrived very early but couldn’t do the proper setup of the home compound till the rains subsided. As expected, the area was a bit muddy, but the show had to go on no matter what.

Mavis and her maid of honour had two sets of clothes. One which was to be worn during the bride price negotiations and the other to be worn during the final ceremony. The Maid of honour played a very important role. She had to be someone who was completely conversant with Kalengin traditions and she was to act as a witness and sign a document once the bride price was agreed upon.

The bridal price negotiation began at around 11 am due to the heavy rains. A representative for Mavis’ family, Kimutai, welcomed Victor’s family and the negotiations began. Normally the number of people who would be allowed into the main house for the bridal negotiations would depend on the size of the house. In this scenario, Victor, his parents one of his uncles, one of his aunties, elders of the family, and his brother were allowed into the house to conduct the negotiations.

As soon as the necessary parties had settled in the living room, Kimutai cleared his throat and asked “What has brought you to this homestead?”

 

“Well! We were passing by and we saw a very healthy good looking cow that we would like to borrow?” Korir answered, he was the representative for Victor’s family. A formal introduction would then be done from both parties their family name, the clan they come from and the animal symbol they identify with.

” We have very beautiful women in this homestead. Given a chance to identify your woman, will you be able to identify her?” Kimutai asked.

” Yes I would,” Victor responded while he nodded his head, an illustration that he was here for serious business.

This question normally was addressed to the groom to ensure that he was content with the woman he chose to be his bride. Several women were paraded before him, each taking their turn, and as expected Victor declined all the women and settled to wait for his betrothed. Mavis was wearing a red kitenge dress with black detail and when she entered the room to be identified the room was filled with ululations.

Once Mavis was identified as “the one” she allowed her elders to proceed with the marriage negotiations and she was asked to stay in the room with us, her maids.

It was now the turn of the representative from Victor’s side to speak.

” We are willing to offer a cow which is brown in colour and its calf(this was a compulsory price), a young calf and a bull,” Korir said.

There was pin-drop silence in the room.

“We do not agree to these terms, do you want to be sent away without your bride?,” Kimutai asked. “You see in the Nandi community, the bride price is five cows, nothing less than that,”.

“Okay! We are willing to add one more cow. In total, we would have given you five cows. In addition to all these, the mother to the groom would also want to give a sheep to the bride’s mother,”

Kimutai looked at his people and they all nodded their heads with smiles on their faces.

“Yes, we now agree to these terms,” he said with a smile on his face. A timeline was agreed to when the livestock would be delivered to Mavis’ homestead.

After the price was agreed upon there was the giving of various gifts to symbolize that the negotiations were a great success. Mavis was then called back into the room, she and her beloved stood face to face with each other and she pinned a brooch on the left side of his shirt and he did the same to the dress she was wearing, this symbolized the deal between both parties had already been sealed and her maid of honour also signed the document. Mavis and her Maid of honour then retired back to the room where the rest of the maids were patiently waiting.

A set of cups and gourds were brought into the living room and each man who had participated in the negotiation was given a cup and a gourd. The first man to be gifted was Victor’s father and his uncles, his brother, and finally, the elders that accompanied his family. The women were then given liquid vegetable oil on plates and everyone who took part in the negotiation was served “Mursik”(their traditional signature drink). The Mursik was a symbolism that the ceremony can proceed to the next level. Victor’s Uncle began singing and Mavis was called to be paraded outside before the guests who had come for the ceremony as a sign that she had agreed to be married to her beloved. She was given some lesos and came back inside to prepare for the second part of the ceremony.

We all were ready for the second part of the ceremony. The bridesmaids stood in two lines with Mavis in the middle. She looked mesmerizing, her dress her make-up the finishing on her hair, every tiny detail about her was perfect. She looked a bit nervous but excited at the same time. If you want to know the essence of time ask a groom and a bride waiting to be united for life. We all danced alongside her together with most of the women from her village moving towards the tent which was allocated to us. It was muddy but none of us seemed to care, our friend, daughter, sister, a neighbour was getting married and this was the only important thing.

The ceremony then began with opening prayers from a preacher who sanctified and blessed the union. Relatives from both sides expressed their joy brought by this union. Each of them took time to give Mavis and victor reasonable advice that would guide them throughout their marriage. What caught my eye is the number of times both families gifted each other as a sign of love, acceptance, and appreciation. Victor’s folks gifted Mavis’ family with duvets and this was also reciprocated by Mavis’ family. The grandparents from both sides were given blankets, the groomsmen were given Maasai shukas and the maids were given lesos.

 

Another significant gift was the giving of attire to the bride. Mavis’ parents gave her two brand new dresses and a pair of new shoes. This was to symbolize they have sent her well in good health and raised her to be a responsible woman and Victor’s family should vow to maintain and keep her. Victor’s parents also gave her two pairs of clothes and a pair of shoes to signify that they have accepted the responsibility and have taken Mavis as their daughter.

The guests then stood in a circle with Mavis inside the circle. There was a lot of merry and dancing as people took their turn to shower the bride with all forms of gifts from money to household equipment. All these gifts were a sign of goodwill as she began a new life with her husband.

I am grateful that my best friend chose me to be a part of this important phase in her life. And I wish her all the best in her new union.

“Kweli ni raha kupenda na kupendwa!”

 

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In Love

Tranquility

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Dear, you,
Some days the voices in your head get louder and drive you insane, pushing you to a wave of depression and an irritable mood. On such days I want to remind you: You are enough…You can do this…you are fine. You have people who care so much about you, suicide should not be an option and should never be placed on the table as a bargain. Reach out to these people to re-energize you and fill your heart and mind with positive vibes.

You might be reading these words and you feel like I am not making any sense, that your death will ease the pain. You want to get rid of the pain and go back to your normal self and just feel free. But darling! pain demands to be felt. Cry if you need to cry to let the frustration out do whatever you need to do to feel and embrace the pain but under no circumstance should you lock it in. You see that teardrop that falls from your eyes, that sadness in your eyes, that pain in your heart is very much necessary. Why is it necessary? It is necessary to shape and mould you into a greater form of You. One thing I know for sure and I can attest to is that God never wastes our past pain, but he rather turns it into gain.

Our mind is a great stronghold and it impacts what we say and to some extent, it dictates how you behave. Your mind is a constant battlefield on a day-to-day basis. Somedays you may find your mind constantly repeating thoughts that you have no control over making you feel feelings of great sadness and anger which is completely unnecessary. And at that moment, I want to remind you that as long as you have no control of that situation free your mind but not thinking about it anymore. I want you to understand that you will not always have control of things that are happening in your day to day to life but you can choose to be aware, and realize you can control how you accept and relay the message to your mind.

Allow yourself to trust the process of every setback you might be feeling. You wouldn’t pretend you are not in pain if you stubbed your toe onto the wall or a table. Emotional pain is just as valid as physical pain and you should never be ashamed of it. You are allowed to feel your feelings because your feelings are valid. Do not beat yourself up, your pain doesn’t have to define you. Your strength and courage to go through this are what should define you.

When your chest aches and is swimming with all your faults and flaws and you can’t seem to find your footing remember that fear is a liar. Do not allow the pain you feel to turn you into something that you are not. Give yourself a pep talk “I can do this, I can be happy, I can go through this with a smile, I can and will have a good day” it works wonders.

Finally, be kind to yourself because the way you speak to yourself matters. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you think you might have made. Take as much time you need for yourself till you become yourself again.

Tranquillity, a state of calmness.

Your Friend,
Michelle.

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Perpetrator

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We’ve all been told this “trust your gut, listen to your instincts” I guess in a way it’s your subconscious telling you something is not quite right or not where it should be. But what do you do when you are faced with a difficult choice, between trusting your gut and trusting your love?. Well, the answer is simple and extremely difficult to accept but always trust your gut.

Life in college was perfect, the best life I could have wished for, not because I was getting A’s(Lord knows I was at the very best a B student) and not because I had amazing friends who we just mainly goofed around and played FIFA but because I got to see you every day. You were my only reason, for waking up early in the morning and taking that bus to school (God knows am not a morning person), everything I did was for you. You made my life bearable and added flavour to it. My muse, my love, all I wanted was you being in love with me as much as I loved you.

We weren’t in the same class, not even in the same faculty but when I shifted campuses you followed me because we had grown inseparable. Everything was perfect between us, and I loved how I discovered something new about you every day. I made it my aim to make time for you so as to get to know and understand you. We would see each other in the early mornings before either of us got to their first class, during lunch hour and we would sit together and eat the lunch I had prepared for you the previous night then finally after classes, we would take the bus home together.

Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all.

Normally the rides home were my daily highlight. I anticipated them every single day because then I would get to hold your hand and kiss you. Get lost in you and the perfect moment we created, you had such a great effect on me, my love. As I walked you home we would laugh along the way, holding each other’s hands and when we got to your gate I would lean in for a kiss. If there’s anything that stuck to my mind throughout the years was the taste of your lips, your kisses were perfect, made me feel alive.

A month after our final exams things shifted, you became distant because of a fight we had. My gut kept on telling me that something was wrong but I chose to suppress those feelings by telling myself I was paranoid. We fought again the previous day and all I wanted was to see you, talk about it and assure myself that I still haven’t lost you. You showed up later than usual and didn’t seem bothered by the fight.

I decided to take your approach and assumed it to be nothing to worry about. You became more distant than ever and for a whole week, my mind was in a constant dilemma. As expected I reached out to you but you pushed me away saying you wanted to be alone. I missed you terribly and at this point, there was nothing I could do about it, but you didn’t miss me all you wanted was to be alone.

I paced up and down my room as I mastered the courage to call you and find out how you were doing and maybe fix whatever was broken. You bluntly said you were breaking up with me. These words stung through my heart. I kept on recking my brain asking myself where and what I did wrong. Didn’t I love you right? was this our goodbye?. My head was spinning with a lot of questions only you had answers to. Closure! I needed closure because you said you loved me. You agreed to come over and explain things to me, and weirdly I thought I could get you to change your mind. You know, take me back maybe.

“I just can’t do this anymore. Kevin is my boyfriend now and I just came to set things straight. It’s over, you need to move on, ” you said to my face with no remorse at all. Kevin was the guy you met on the bus after our last fight, the day you decided to take the bus alone without me. At that moment a wave of anger filled my mind and all I could think of was how soon you moved on. Was all this a joke to you? , the promises we shared, were they all nothing? I hated Kevin because he ruined us and our perfect life. He was older, taller, and richer than me, he would take you for expensive dates. I found him to be ugly and a show-off but my thoughts didn’t matter, I guess the good outweighed the bad right?

I remember breaking down in tears hoping that my tears would move you, as my weakness showed I cursed myself because men were not supposed to cry over women. But you weren’t just any woman, you were the one meant for me and you had just decided to crush my world cause of Kevin. With swollen eyes, I threw up on the floor because I did not have the strength to move about and go to the bathroom. Pathetic?

I guess because you stood up and left the house. As I lay there on the floor all I could think of was my life fleeting away because how could I live without you? my sunshine. By the time I zapped myself back to reality, it was 9 pm. My whole body was numb and the only thing I could think of was how much I loved you, how you made a mistake. I let the tears flow freely because no matter how much I loved you, you would never come back to me. You caused these tears, you caused this pain, you caused this dysfunctionality.

After a week I finally got the strength and confidence to leave the house. It was about time I went back to my normal routine because I had to get by, at least till the end of the semester. It was hard adjusting to everything, and constantly seeing you with Kevin didn’t make things easier. My heart failed me on various occasions because it longed for you and missed you terribly. On most days thoughts of you flooded my mind which brought a great wave of loneliness. You looked happier you know, even dressed differently and it was like I was the one holding you back, you were moving on and I still lived in the illusion that you would come back. My academics were a mess and could barely concentrate in class until I began getting low grades this became a reality check for me.

I had to wake up from this illusion that had become my day-to-day life, a nightmare I had created for myself because I did not want to live without you. It was time I became intentional about putting myself first. Ideally, I could not erase the memories, the feelings but I had to start somewhere, right? My phone had a lot of memories of you from pictures, messages, and even voice notes, this was where I would start, delete everything and begin afresh. This was the hardest but I wouldn’t back down, I wouldn’t allow myself to drown because of a woman who broke my heart. I was determined to forget you.

Three months later, I saw you and you looked different. You had added some weight and the rumours were right. You were pregnant for Kevin. And this was the final blow for me. My heart broke into a million pieces. But it was fine, you were doing you and I had to do me. I lost you forever to Kevin and for the sake of my sanity, I had to be okay, okay with the fact that he had your loving and I didn’t. That baby you were carrying bounded both of you for life.

Five years after you left and the pain is fresher than ever. I admit in my idle moments I do think of you. Are you okay? Is Kevin taking care of you as you deserve?. On other days I can’t resist checking your social media and Facebook tells me you had a daughter and you’re still with Kevin. At times I wish I could just see you physically, even if it’s through a glimpse I would be satisfied.

Maybe my heart still aches for you but at this moment I acknowledge that I have never forgotten you. Maybe I was not meant for you but still, I choose to always love you. You are the one that got away and I guess life is that cruel.

Toxic masculinity portrays a man to be the strongest gender with no emotion at all. Contrary to this, men are very vulnerable and extremely sensitive. They break, drown in sorrow and hold their tongue when faced with emotional issues because that is what society has portrayed them to be. “Suffer in silence, never let them see you cry like a woman, be tough”, are some of the statements that are repeated to them constantly, thus the depression rate is higher in men higher than in women.

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In Love

The Lover

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As the bus left the NYS Camp a slight ray of excitement filled my heart. Ever since I joined the NYS camp my anticipation for this day, my first job placement had been building up. When my parents found out about the NYS program, they didn’t bother to ask whether I was interested in joining it or not, they decided for me. This exasperated me but growing up with strict African parents, you already knew that whatever they said or decided had to be done incontrovertibly. After staying for three years with a useless University degree and no job, this seemed like a solid strategy to me landing a well-paying job.

The NYS program was really hard and I loathed everything about it from the early mornings with tiresome exercise routines, the uniform we had to wear, and the fact that we were completely isolated from the outside world, apart from the days we went home. The fact that I didn’t have access to my phone for the early part of the program was depressing, imagine being confined with the same people, the same daily routine without even having a social media breather, mentally exhausting right?. For me, the rules that governed the NYS seemed needless, I was twenty-four why would I still need to operate as though I was in a boarding school. I finally got my phone back during the last lap of the program and this was because I got job placement at the JKIA. My parents and best friend were elated as much as I was, things were finally looking up for me.

As we got to the JKIA we were directed to a designated waiting area and advised to wait for the next directive. We waited in silence and as my anticipation for the day grew so did my glee, I intended to make a good first impression. In approximately thirty minutes the supervisor came and she directed us to our designated stations. By the time the bus came to pick us up in the evening to retire to the camp, I felt accomplished and could hardly wait for the next day.

Singlehood was a path I had chosen for four solid years after walking out of a very abusive relationship and was content with my emotional and mental state. My cousin had other plans for me, she decided to set me up with one of her friends who worked at JKIA too. George was quite an adonis but he was neither my type because he was a bit uncouth and rustic. He was completely clueless about how a lady was to be treated, this got me more disinterested. I urged myself to give him a chance even though I did not feel the same towards him.

 

Ben was the guy who kept on pestering me at work and didn’t take no for an answer. When we met at the hallways he would constantly say hello and tell me stories that didn’t make sense. With a blank stare on my face, I would unwillingly entertain him and wished that our encounter would end because he infuriated me. He took this courting to a higher notch where he would send my work-friends to bring me gifts like food and shoes just to lure me and constantly showing up at my workstation. I had made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he feared to give me the gifts personally because of my reaction. His fears were justified because, given the chance, I would love to shove him away and throw the gifts at his face.

As time passed by I got so comfortable and accustomed to his gifts and without noticing I developing a liking for him. My friends urged me to give him a chance because he knew how to treat a woman, was handsome and was everything George was not.

After a series of internal monologues, I decided to go on a date with Ben. Earlier during that week, I had filled in a leave-out sheet at the NYS camp with the reason being I had to see my optician. By Friday morning the Nys warden informed me that my request had been approved and I should be ready to leave by noon when my parents arrived. My glee couldn’t be contained and I texted Ben to tell him we would meet the next day for our planned date after I visit the optician.

I took longer than usual to prepare for my date because I wanted to look sensational and leave an impression that will linger in Ben’s mind. We met in the CBD at noon and went for lunch at the Big square. For the first time, I found myself enjoying his chattering and even laughed at some of his lame jokes. We then proceeded to Panari Hotel for skating which I had never done before. Fear took over me but he was there to encourage me to try out something new. By the end of the night as he drove me home a wave of calmness and peace radiated inside of me. As we got to my gate he leaned in and kissed my lips. My stomach became hot and some chills ran down my spine as he caressed my cheek, I felt complete. As I went into my room that night I went to eutopia as I smiled sheepishly reminiscing the day’s events.

I could not contain how I felt towards Ben, it was evident I was growing fond of him with each passing day. When He asked me to be his girlfriend I was elated and decided to end things with George. The news destroyed George especially when he found out that his successor would be his friend, Ben. In all honesty, when I accepted Ben’s proposal to be exclusive with him, I was not completely in love with him but I believed my love would grow gradually.

My hands trembled as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand, two red lines, I was pregnant. It had only been a month after I completed the NYS program and we had only dated for three months. How would we explain to our parents about this pregnancy?. His Parents were staunch Christians and his mother never advocated for fornication, she always wanted us to wait till marriage. On the other hand, my parents had so many dreams for me and this new situation meant that my life would take a different turn. Fate played a great role on the day we approached both our parents, they were a bit disappointed but expressed their support.

On one of our dates, I developed excruciating abdominal pain and you rushed me to the hospital. To our dismay, the hospital attendants expressed some laxity and completely ignored it. With hot tears flowing from my cheeks, my motherly instincts were awakened, all I could think of was the well-being of my baby. After an hour it was our turn to see the doctor and he conducted an ultrasound and a pap smear test. He suggested that I had a minor infection that will clear off and prescribed antibiotics. I was dissatisfied with his findings simply because of the poor services the facility had offered and my gut had always been right. You felt I was being paranoid and we agreed that I should take the medication and monitor my progress after a day or two.

When my condition became worse with assistance from our parents we decided to seek a second opinion. We visited a new gynaecologist who was very worried because one of my fallopian tubes contained cystic growth and the pap smear test I did at the other health facility did more harm than good. He advised that I was to be admitted to the medical facility but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable, actually I hated hospitals. He prescribed bed rest and my parents and siblings took it upon themselves to take care of me. A couple of days after we left the hospital was completely lifeless and my complexion had changed to yellow. My mother was so scared and took me to the gynaecologist we had met. On our way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat of the car in complete silence and tears flowing from my eyes my mother held my hand and tried to assure me that the baby will be fine.

It was too late, nothing could be done, our baby was no more. You came to the hospital as soon as you heard the news and held me in your arms:
” Baby, it’s going to be okay,” you said.
Having you at this moment gave me strength and for the next couple of days though my grief was heightened you were still there. When I lost our baby I felt like I died too but your love and support nursed me back to life.

After a couple of months, things began changing between us, you became notably reticent and pushed me away. We were in constant quarrels and on some days we wouldn’t even talk. This broke my heart because you were my happy ending and this didn’t seem like a happy ending, it was more of a nightmare. Then you broke up with me with the defence that you wanted to make a turnaround in your life and become a serious Christian like your parents. You alleged that we were sinning and if we don’t change we would go to hell, you even dared to criticize me and told me this relationship would only work if I changed my lifestyle and got saved, how judgemental.

I permitted you to have your way and picked my broken pieces and tried to move on. My heart ached for you, the nights became sleepless because all I could think of was you and your loving. Why was it so easy for you to let me go and forget what we had?. But then you realized you made a mistake and began pursuing me pleading with me to forgive you. My heart was glad, I choose to let bygones be bygones and accepted you back because I needed you.

 

Every time I came over to your house for a sleepover you were constantly on your phone, constantly on the lookout as though you were hiding something and numerous passwords for everything, which made me get more suspicious. Your neighbour was very attractive and I noticed you had developed a habit of hanging out with her behind closed doors of her house even when I was present. You would post her on your WhatsApp status and indicated she was the reason for your living. Was I insecure? Yes, I was extremely insecure, this woman was getting everything I once had and what I needed, your attention.

One day you left me alone in the house and I decided to do the general cleaning of the house. I began to find women’s items that did not belong to me in our bedroom. My heart shuddered with fear and distress, I had lost you I really had. But I convinced myself I would not leave you unless you told me to because I could not imagine life without you. With a heavy heart, I gathered all the items I had found and placed them on the table and I prepared myself to get my answers and clarity from you. As expected you came home really late and I was on the couch watching TV. I asked you if we could talk and I began to coax you about the items I found.

The conversation took a different curve, it turned into a heated argument and I began to cry, asking you to take me home. You took my cellphone and locked me inside the house because you didn’t want me to leave. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I developed an anxiety attack. I banged the door with my fists and pleaded with you to let me out for some air but you completely ignored me. After an hour you came back and apologized for everything. It’s funny how my brain had a perfect image of how this week would turn out, we would rekindle our love but look at how it turned out.

When I went back home I had a recollection with myself and came to a realization that I deserved better, not you. You had caused me so much pain in the past few months, I could hardly smile. You had become too toxic for my sanity, something had to give way for me to regain my happiness. I deleted your number and every tangible memory of you on my phone, you now became a distant memory. But you wouldn’t let me be, you would constantly call and text and I ignored you till the day you showed up at my home. The only decent thing I could do is give you a listening ear because I wanted to put an end to this aberration. To date, I don’t know what to make of what you told me.

You explained a few months before we met you stole a huge sum of money from your auntie who had been cruel to you. The money is what made you buy not one but two cars and it sustained your lavish lifestyle. You firmly believed she planted a curse on you which was the reason we lost our baby and the sole reason for every anguish in your life. You admitted that this was the reason you broke up with me the first time because you wanted to keep me safe from the curse.

That night as you walked out the door something walked out of me as well. This was the end I had spent preparing for the last couple of days.

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Girlfriend

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Society has portrayed the male gender to be the mastermind behind all heartbreaks and toxic relations. Mostly we hear the term “Men are dogs” and I think it is a bit unfair, women too can be dogs. But what if we all came to an acknowledgement that we are all toxic in our way and we both have the upper hand in causing pain. I am sure that in my lifetime I too might have caused pain to a certain man who might have loved me with all he had, not once or twice. Let’s put down our self-righteous hats and look at relationship heartbreaks from both angles.

After being with someone for so long you adopt a carefree lifestyle because you are sure that they have your back no matter what. You consider them as your soulmate and you can almost not picture a life without them. I never saw this coming and somedays I wish the universe gave me a heads up before this heartbreak. The truth is I loved you with my all, you were meant to be my woman for eternity. Now I’m torn between making a fresh start and accepting you back.

“Wow, the view from up here is amazing,” I said with so much cheer in my voice. We had just got to the top of the third hill of Ngong and we were both fatigued. Panting heavily we took a moment to rest by the grass and you laid next to me. I looked at you and my mind noted that this is what perfection looked like, you looked so beautiful today. A thought came into my mind to take pictures of you because I believe pictures hold sentimental memories. So I stood up, got my phone, and with every snap you switched your poses and angles. My excitement must have been way overboard because by the time I finished taking the pictures my phone almost went off. They were two hundred and thirty-seven, yes, I counted them immediately I got home.

We planned for a sleepover and I was 
eagerly anticipating that night.

 

When the evening came I remember I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to spend more time with you. One whole day was not enough for me, I needed to feel you every day because my heart was falling deeper and deeper in love with you. We had dated for three years and I was convinced you were my chosen queen. As we went separate ways to our abode, I could hardly keep calm because I wanted to text you to find out if you got home then the conversation would flow from there. Our conversations were the best, we would talk day and night and never run out of things to tell each other. We were like teenagers who discovered the theory of technology and online romance, constantly on our phones.

We planned for a sleepover and I was eagerly anticipating that night. We would get take out dinner, watch some movies on Netflix and just be in that moment together, typical lovers sleepover. Your parents were really strict, but you found a way to convince them and showed up at my house for the agreed sleepover. We had a beautiful night together and soon it was morning.

“What is your phone password,” I asked as you were in the shower. I was never the type to snoop but I was curious about what you told your girls’ about me. Any guy who is dating knows that if they want to get tea about a girl’s true feelings for them their closest girl chats contain this information.
A moment of silence passed between us, “1983,” you responded hesitantly. I logged into your WhatsApp and perused through the group chat. Then I saw most conversations were based on Keith and not me. Keith was the son of your parent’s friends, they had visited your home and they brought Keith along. This is how your friendship began, at least that’s what you told me. He took you out for dates and one time he took you to KFC and you wore one of my hoddies, took a selfie with him, and posted it on your social media. From the chats I couldn’t believe my eyes, you were cheating on me with Keith. We had been in a relationship for three years, our families knew we were dating then suddenly Keith comes along and three months later you are dating him. What is it that you saw in him for you to throw away all the three years we had?

A sharp pain stung my heart and a slight tear dropped. Three whole years fleeting from my grip in a span of minutes, just minutes. As I sat on the bed waiting for you to get out of the bathroom I tried to join the dots, asking myself where I had failed. And as you got out of the bathroom and saw my face you knew that I knew and nothing could change. You went to the kitchen got a knife and held it to your stomach threatened to kill yourself if I left you. I clenched my fists in anger because you disrespected me. How dare you pull this suicide card on me? I wasn’t the one who cheated, you did.

 

Hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks and you tried to console me but I shoved you away. My heart wept because it loved you immensely and was not willing to do life without you. How stupid! Love can make you endure things that you don’t deserve. We sat on the bed in silence as I wept trying to release the pain I felt and you looked at me with fear and confusion in your eyes. You tried to tell me that you made a mistake and were willing to fight for us, but at that moment I wanted a reason as to why you did it. My darling, I was or still I’m a fool for you because I chose to forgive everything and love you with your faults.

Two days after you left my house is when I began feeling the adverse effects of our end. You stopped responding to my texts or calls and we barely talked or saw each other anymore. All I wanted was to show you that I can be there for you, love you harder and be the man for you. Your actions proved that I wasn’t enough for you and this broke me completely. I tried my best to bring us back together but your texts were curt and emotionless. The harder I tried the more you pushed me away, showing me how useless my efforts were. I asked whether you cared about me and you said that I made you not care about me, these words stung deep into my heart.

As helpless as I was I would constantly call you to get an explanation as to what I was doing wrong to make you not care for me. As expected, all my calls would end up being disconnected. I might have looked a little bit desperate but I was your fool, a fool for your love. Then it dawned on me, I had to read between the lines because actions speak louder than words and in this scenario, your actions simply showed that you were done with me, yes you forgot all the three years we spent together. I want to apologize for loving you too much, for needing you a little bit more than you did me, for always wanting to spend every moment with you. Forgive me for not letting you go when you clearly gave me the indication that we were over. And for all the moments I embarrassed myself before you, please pardon me, my lover.

Recently I got the courage to delete all your pictures from my phone, the two hundred and thirty-seven that we took at Ngong Hills, and every other photo I had of you. As deleted them, I swear I received my healing.

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In Life

Unfaithful

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As I touched the doorknob to the front door and let myself into the house I was surprised to find the house pitch dark. This was a bit odd because I expected you or your brother here watching football or playing PlayStation which was your Sunday ritual. I was a bit on edge because of the quarrel we had earlier during the day. You kept on pestering me with calls while I was in church, only for you to demand that I should go back home later in the evening. You were having the guys over and didn’t want me around because you wanted to spend quality time with them. Rage consumed my heart because this was the fifth time we were having such an argument. You were ashamed of me it all made sense now.

When I got into the bedroom to change my attire to something more comfortable my closet was empty. This was rather strange because as I left in the morning my closet was well arranged. I decided to check your closet and noticed your clothes were still there. A silly thought crossed my mind that you were finally kicking me out and I lowkey prepared to accept it. We had been on a rollercoaster of emotions with each other and I figured this was your way of healing. As the main door opened I stood by the corridor to check who it was. Your brother had just come back from his regular evening walk. He had been staying with us for a couple of days before his classes resumed.

 

Something felt strange and weird, I just could not point my finger at what was amiss. Earlier that afternoon you had left me ten missed calls and when I called back, you told me not to come home immediately till late in the evening. Infuriated with this forced circumstance, I insisted that I would be home whenever I wanted. You said I wasn’t a good wife and I needed to learn how to respect your authority. But which husband puts his wife away from the house just because he is having his friends over?

But this wasn’t the first time this was happening. The previous weekend I had gone to visit a friend and you forced me to spend the night there. Reason being that your brother was bringing his girlfriend over and he needed space. You called me selfish and self-centred just because I was not comfortable with the fact that someone else would use our matrimonial bed for their own sexual urges. You did not care if you hurt me, all you wanted was to have your way. Why I let you embarrass me so much is still something I have no answer to, because to some extent love is not blind. My so-called wisdom made me ignore all the red flags because, how does someone leave their matrimonial home and the man whom they swore to love for eternity?

Suddenly, I became so angry because the thought of you bringing one of your proteges to our home in my absence sickened me. In my rage, I yelled at your brother coaxing him why he helped you hide my things. At first, he denied having a hand to it but when I mentioned how karma will play out he finally admitted that you brought a woman over. To add more salt to injury he said you spent time with her in our bedroom. My heart broke into two as I struggled to hold on to my composure. The last few days had been emotionally draining because of how distant you became and the miscarriage I endured early that week. I knew you had been unfaithful for a long time now but to do your business here in our home, with your brother present was the highest level of disrespect.

I shamefully searched around the house for my belongings and gathered them to arrange them. You had crossed the line by this action, this was pure madness. What kind of sane human being does this to a woman who takes care of him?. What hurts the most is the mental abuse you inflicted upon me, which made me more depressed than ever. I shut the bedroom door and did what I knew would help, broke down in tears asking God why this would happen to me. I had diligently honoured our vows, the vows you effortlessly managed to turn to empty words. They say during trying times your friends and family will be there to guide you through but my shame never allowed me to open my heart to anyone. I would be the laughing stock and furthermore, on Facebook, The Kilimani mums said I was the problem. I didn’t know how but a solution to get out of this situation had to be cultivated by the end of the. You were my life, you and the demons you brought revolved in my mind.

I silently sat in darkness playing candy crush and waited for you, my lover. My mind tried to phrase workable conversations of how this situation would be handled between us. What baffles me is that even after you had dragged and tarnished my name my stupid heart still beat for you. I should have known you were good for nothing but at that moment all I wanted was to make things right.

Immediately you got into the room you opened my closet, then you looked at me. We looked deep into each other’s eyes, I couldn’t tell if you saw the pain in my eyes but you knew that I knew what transpired.

I would be the laughing stock and furthermore, on Facebook, The Kilimani mums said I was the problem.

As expected we could not have a decent conversation, I lost my cool and didn’t care that your brother was listening in on us. The greatest mistake I did was loving you unconditionally because you never deserved it. You hid my things in the kitchen drawers and in the balcony as though I was a common squatter in our own apartment. Even as I expressed my frustration I could tell how irritated you were, none of this mattered to you. I was ruining your perfect day, the day that your mistress came to your house and you passionately made love to her on our matrimonial bed, how dare you?. You showed no remorse even after I mentioned I had a miscarriage, I stood like a clown before your eyes.

“Do you love her?” I asked with tears in my eyes. You looked at me for a moment then looked at the floor completely avoiding my gaze. My fears were confirmed when you said you loved us both but her more because she was working and had ambition while I was just a mere housewife. So all the online jobs that managed to place food on the table and even do some slight shopping were nothing to you. You looked down on all my efforts. Every single shilling I got for my online writing was directed mainly to the house, not once did I use that money on myself. Now all of a sudden you love Angela who has no idea how your morning breath smells like, how you get when you are sick, how you behave when you are frustrated. Angela who you had dated for three months was enough to shake the core of our marriage.

You pretended to get a call from your best friend who you told you will be going for a sleepover at his place. You played your cards wrongly because this trick was not new to me, you had done it severally and tonight was the night all your bad behaviours would come to an end. I might have seemed a little bit delusional but all I wanted was to prevent my husband from going to another woman’s house for the night.

Walking towards our bedroom door, I locked the door and placed the key in my brassiere. You threatened to take the key forcefully from me and I warned you not to touch me because I would create a scene. A lot of investments had been made into this union and I wouldn’t allow another woman to reap where I had sowed.

At around midnight I opened the door and retired to bed. You immediately grabbed your bag pack, packed a few items, and left. My efforts to keep you in the house failed miserably and this was enough evidence that I was fighting a lost battle, the stakes were not in my favour anymore. After twenty minutes you came back home and slept beside me. You held me, kissed me, and forced yourself on me as you constantly told me how sorry you were.

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In Life

After

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As I got into the cab a feeling of great shame and guilt engulfed me, I had cheated on you. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I was faithful to you but society advocated it as healing for my bleeding heart. Every moment he caressed my body, kissed my lips, moaned in pleasure my mind thought of you. Cheating was something I would have never advocated for in my right state of mind but getting even with you was something I pondered about the past few days. Sometimes when you find yourself in a loveless relationship, you decide to look for ways to ease your pain.

All my friends told me to walk away from you because of how you treated me. You had suddenly turned into a manipulative, emotionally abusive, and disrespectful lover. Just the other day one of your side pieces came by the house looking for you. Of course, you denied everything and accused me of stirring up trouble because men like you never admit when they are caught red-handed. Men like you feed off the misery of women like me. You were my bully, taunting me with every chance you got.

When I walked into the house, you were seated on the couch and I wondered if you could sense my infidelity the way I sensed yours. The water glided on my skin washing away my infidelity and the deep sense of guilt and shame that lingered in my mind. Why was it hard to be like you, heartless in all your actions?. Society gratifies any man who commits adultery but is also the first to cast stone on any woman who commits the same. Double standards!

That weekend you had left home claiming that you were going to work then off for a team-building in the afternoon, you would be back on Sunday evening. You took me for a fool, I questioned and pleaded with you to be honest with me because no company organizes afternoon team buildings that will prolong throughout the entire weekend. Deep down I knew you lied to my face because you had planned to see one of your women. The thought of another woman pleasuring you made me sick, this was the incurable disease that inflicted me.

 

You held me that night, our bodies intertwined together, igniting a fire inside me. With every kiss, every thrust, every caress, this had to be the last time we would be like this. Tears mixed with heavy emotions fell from my eyes, and when you whispered you loved me, some tingly feeling settled in my heart. Your kiss that showered me all over made me feel alive and reborn was a similar kiss I shared with many. What a shame that your actions were not pure but full of malice and selfish desires.

When morning came my heart was unsettled, torn between leaving you and staying with you, the man who made my heart glow.

“God, give me clarity!” I repeated this prayer in my spirit for the next five minutes. Alas! as if the heavens were responding to my little prayer your phone beeped. Nancy sent you a message which confirmed my suspicions. This was not my first time contending with your infidelity. This was my awakening, a revival to steer me to my next endeavour. The laughter that would be confused to be that of a madwoman flowed out of my mouth.

Dear Lover,
I hope this finds you happy and alive, full of strength as you journey through life. Please forgive me for any form of unhappiness I caused, that made you constantly unfaithful. Now that we are no more, my prayer is that you may have happiness though sometimes(just sometimes)I wish thunder would strike you dead. The nights and days were hard at first because my body wasn’t designed to lay on its own without your embrace and my heart yearned for you, constantly calling your name.

 

Forgiveness is in the power of the forgiver not in the one who needs to be forgiven. I forgive you for all the emotional scars you caused, the low self-esteem you caused, the three years I constantly forgave you, and most of all for making me feel less human. Where you caused pain love will be my new hope. Thank you for being my confidant and for the few times you loved me.
Kind Regards,
The one you chose to forget.

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