Penance

Mental struggles are real. Sometimes we tend to fake our mental state just because we fear people will think less of us. And so we hide away and suffer in silence. A smile to cover your bleeding heart and your self-identified shame. You wallow in self pitty till one day you break. And most breakouts end up in suicide. I too reached this point and suicide was my only way out.

As I heald the surgical blade in my hand, the only thought that runs through my mind was ending the pain.

The other day you called me and told me to dress up you were taking me out. You can imagine my excitement. When was the last time you took me out? and I thought to myself this was the affirmation I needed. I had childlike Joy the whole day and nothing could ruin it. I was having a shitty day at work, but who cared, I was going on a date with you. I hurriedly left work, went home to freshen up. Everything seemed so right. The water running through my skin, the body splash sprayed on my skin, and the final touch the dress I just bought specifically for this day.

As you sat across me I couldn’t help but admire you, my love. Your smile, your laughter, your whole presence were breathtaking. I felt like the luckiest woman on this earth. We called a cab and on the back seat, you held my hand, whispered you loved me. Kissed me on the cheek, I was slightly embarrassed because of the PDA but it didn’t matter, I was with You. We went home and You made me feel alive in ways only you could have. I remember my friends telling me how I glowed the next morning.

Little did I know my happiness was short-lived. It’s funny how words that made my heart full could turn into sweet nothings. She stood on my doorstep. The familiar face that had been threatening us, or rather me because you already fell out of the equation. Here I was staring face to face with the devil herself(I will not be kind with my words)She asked for you. She even said you left your watch at her place the previous night and handed it to me, the watch I got you on your birthday. I held my composure as everything inside me broke into a storm. As I shut the door, I sat down and began to sob. My whole world was falling apart.

For months now I had a hunch she existed, or rather they existed. A long trail of evidence from lipstick stains on your lips and collars to receipts to late nights with the excuse of work(You forgot I worked side by side with you and I knew the timings well), to you being distant and finally no affection or remorse towards me. My blood began to boil with anger as I paced up down trying to construct a speech to recite to you, my lover.

One thing I hated about you was how you made me feel. Your words constantly tore me down which was accompanied by your refusal to admit you were wrong, making me feel like the reason for your infidelity. I was never a saint and I always felt as though your rejection was penance for all the ills I had committed. What makes me sick is that I loved you through it all. I was told a woman should protect her home, be the rock when the man is failing. Which has made me realize how barbaric some of the expectations placed on a woman are. If a man is being unfaithful it’s the woman’s fault, the woman must be the one to fight to keep a relationship. To hell with all this nonsense I am here to re-write the rules that govern us, women.

It had been months of anguish and sorrow. A loveless relationship. There were days I didn’t even want to look at you, have you next to me let alone having you hold me in the steamy moments. I cried day and night wondering what I could do to save you because there was no more us. Save you from leaving me, because I thought I was the best decision you have ever made. My friends spoke in one accord, to leave you and begin afresh. But I stayed. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t love being sad and lonely but to have you I would do anything, even walking on fire…..(LOL Hypothetically).

I put the surgical blade aside and decided to write a farewell note and posted it on my WhatsApp status, then turned my phone off. I was ready to end my penance. Ready to get solace. Hot tears welled down my cheek. One….Two…Three… hahaha! I heard your laughter fill the house. Yes, my reason not to do it. You came to save me. I pretended to be sleeping because knowing you you would ask me why were my eyes swollen as if you cared. I heard you take out a bag and pack a few clothes. You called my name thrice and I pretended to be in deep slumber. Then you slapped me, yes slapped me for no reason. You told me you will be travelling for the weekend and will be back on Sunday. I nodded my head and you left.

You didn’t even notice my swollen eyes. How this love turned out to be a bitter pill still puzzles me. On Saturday night I went out with my friend to a rock event. I pretended to be okay because it was his first rock gig in a long while with a new band. I had to support him no matter what. Fake smiles hardly hide anything from your person. He noticed right through my fake smile. We talked about it and by the end of the night I remember how I hugged him goodbye repeatedly and in the last hug, I just held him a little bit longer because I knew what I was going to do. I knew this was the last time I would feel this peace because I would go to hell anyway for killing myself.

As I held the surgical blade this final time I took my phone and opened my WhatsApp over fifty messages from people who cared about me, several I tried calling you notifications. Not to sound like a jerk but their concern did not matter because the only concern I needed was from you. Un, Deux, Trois it was done.

As I lay on the bed I felt my life fleeting away and a sigh of relief for a brief moment. I must have passed out for several hours because by the time I woke up it was 7 pm. I couldn’t believe it. why was I still here?. Was there a reason for this failed suicide attempt? If people notice the scars on my hands. I whispered, “It’s not the end Michelle” turned off the pity party, cleaned myself up and prepared some food, and ate and for the first time in four days.

I am alive, God saved me. I decided not to take this failed suicide attempt lightly. I immediately knelt down and cried out to God because that was the only source of strength I knew. God saved me, God healed me and God preserved me. I texted back my friends and assured them I’m okay. But no one knew what transpired that day in the closed walls all alone, I saw God. I gained strength that I had never had and decided it’s not the end for Michelle.